Here is the dreamer. One who created and played with the pen and the keys of a world soon unmade. She remembers the wind, water, earth and flame. She loved even shadows but knew naught of hate. With a heart too soft and a strength unseen, she loved the world and she lived a dream.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The Letter

197. It' been a long time since I've posted here for you my dear since we've both been leading busy lives as of late. It's very hard to find more time for us yet a necessary sacrifice for our future and it will make our reunions all the more sweeter after all. So for now I'll just post here the letter I gave you on our anniversary last year. I recently read it as I was contemplating the letter I would be writing for our 7th anniversary next month. It's amazing how we've come so far in just a year. Just a blink of an eye I can't believe it...






7/28/11


Dearest S,                                                                                                                                        
Happy 6th Anniversary! It’s truly an amazing feat to be with you for this long. Sometimes it feels longer than that and sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday that we met at La Salle and I hit you with my book as you stole my precious first kiss. Just the same, I think you’re the greatest gift and blessing given to me in this life. If I can help it, I won’t write such a long letter to you since this card’s given message is already quite long, though extremely beautiful and appropriate.  I didn’t have a hard time picking it because it was quite accurate in the depiction of my feelings for you. 
I want to thank you for being in my life. You’ve been the greatest truest friend to me these past years, especially these past few weeks wherein I’ve felt really down and crazy. When I needed you, you were simply there for me and I couldn’t ask for more. When I feel that I am continuously sinking or lost or falling, I always question myself why oh why do you keep helping me? Even when I push you away by testing your patience. Why are you still here? Why do you stay? You tell me it’s because you love me.  What on earth could have I possibly done to deserve such a man? Such an amazing, loving, caring, selfless, intelligent, generous,  beautiful man such as you. That is why it killed me when I hurt you in more ways than one. I am so very sorry for those times.  Thank you for staying. I will continue to endeavor to deserve your love because I am so committed to you and this relationship.  There is nothing in the world I want more than to spend the rest of my life with you till we’re old and gray.
Lot’s of changes occurred in the past year. You, with a lot of luck, attained a good job with decent pay and was able to start doing all those things you couldn’t before- like helping with your family financially, delving into business, attaining a leadership status at work, being looked up to and depended upon and many others. As I watched you grow professionally, I admit I was so very proud because you were moving forward in spite of your challenges…but here I was, remaining the same old me. There were times I felt like I’m getting left behind once again and it’s not a very nice feeling.  More than once I’ve cried in your arms because of my insecurities and I’m sorry for that. Thank you for being so kind to me and endlessly patient when I become such a crybaby.  You wipe my tears away and somehow know exactly what to say. I love how you always manage to make me laugh. You’re like the sun to me. No, you’re even brighter than the sun.  I could never live without you. I wouldn’t survive.
I know that there will be changes coming in the near future. We’ll most probably be parted from each other and go into a long-distance relationship. My love, if I don’t take the opportunities coming my way, there may never be for me again you see. I agree it’s bold. But I know I have a lot on the line and many people are depending on me that I don’t want to let down. No mater how innocent or unprepared or frightened I am. It just doesn’t matter.  I have to move forward too.  I don’t want to leave you Stan. But I have to. So I can be with you and make my life with you in the future. I know you understand that mentally though I feel your heart screaming at me to stay. You’re being kind by trying to hide that fact from me. But the truth is that I feel it to even when you don’t say it. I see it in your eyes. And I know you see it in mine. When the day comes that I have to leave, I don’t think I have the strength to look back at you. I may end up just staying.  Building my life around you has made me afraid of change. So I cannot and will not look back. Just wish me well. With you in my heart, how could I ever be lost? We aren’t truly apart.
So… I want to say on this special day of ours; because it may be probably the last anniversary we ever have. I love you. For the first time you stole my kiss. I love you. For the first time you won my heart. I love you. For all those times, I’ve hurt you in the past. I love you. For this moment as I look in your eyes, shining with all the love I can show. I love you. For all those times I will miss. I love you. For all the loneliness you will feel when I am gone. I love you. For always and always. I love you. And when we meet again I shall tell you face to face as many times as you want once again.  I love you. Happy Anniversary. 
Lots of love, hugs and kisses, M

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