Of Ends and Beginnings

200.

Of ends.

The past few years I have had to say goodbye to a lot of things. To a lot of people. To things I've gotten used to. To familiarity. To my first hospital where I started to become who I was meant to be, where I learned to stretch out my wings and take that very first step outside my comfort zone. But it was not meant to be. I got one year there then I had to leave... whereas you got to stay. Ironic, when I was the one who helped apply in the first place. You've stayed there for more than 2 years now. It wasn't fair. Life rarely is fair. I finished my masteral degree, but was still jobless and hopeless. I saw you during your free time and sometimes when we had gym sessions together and that made me happier. You gave me my purple qwerty phone as a consolation gift so I could text you when I went job hunting in manila since my old phone was dead. You couldn't have been more supportive. I was gone more than a month. It was a fruitless effort though since all those agencies I've applied for wanted to send me off to obscure clinics in Saudi or wanted to fake my paperwork, things my good moral sense could never take. Another dead end. I was really at my lowest, and no amount of pep talk from you could shake that dark cloud over my head. It's true what they say, when you're at your lowest, you are open to the most change. I prayed for a job. Any job that is even a little related to healthcare. I needed the money. More than that I needed to preserve my self- worth. I wanted to start living. 

Of beginnings. 

One month after I applied, I got that fateful call to appear for an interview in Iloilo for a job at our national health insurance corporation. I was ecstatic. I called you and you were equally excited. I told my family and they were so happy for me too. In no time at all, I got in. I was one of the lucky 23 chosen for the whole region. Of more than  20,000 applicants, only 500 were taken in. I thanked my lucky stars for that. It was a whole new ball game and it wasn't even in my own field. Suddenly I had it all again. It was a job that required me to help people, talk to them, travel around the island, and help sort out the muddy health financing system of our country. I was well- paid and happy. I had new friends. I was able to contribute to the needs of my family. I had you. I shone. Apparently, I shone too much that the chief of hospital of one of the hospitals I was assigned too, invited me to apply to his hospital as a nurse. And I did, though I did not hope that I would be accepted from the thousand other applicants who already have had experience in their hospital. After only a month, I got another fateful call. In spite of being happy at my job, I missed being a nurse. And when you pressured me into coming back into my field, I remember how irritated I was that I snapped at you. You were only trying to help. I am sorry about that. Suddenly I found myself at a crossroads. To leave or to stay? Leave for a hard job that paid little, a one year contract only, but will be better in the long term? Or stay at an easy job that I shone in but had little room for advancement? I asked my father for advice that he gave willingly and I followed it though it was painful. I had to say goodbye to everything once again when I got accepted into this new hospital. I may have hurt others for my decisions but these were for my own good. I was forgetting how I loved my real profession. No matter what, you told me, you will always be mine and I will love you no matter what you do with your life. Choose what will make you happy, you said. And I did. And stepping into this new phase of my life was like stepping into old shoes, retracing my old steps and conquering a challenge. It was tiring but I felt it in my bones that I was exactly where I was meant to be. Beginning again. And you were with me every step of the way, with an open hand, advice and a loving embrace.