The Wedding

201. No, not our wedding. A friend's wedding. Specifically, the first friend to take a plunge. And hers was the first wedding we attended together. The wedding was perfect. Traditional. Expensive. The works. Lots of flowers. Lots of food. Lots of guests. He was handsome. She was divine. And people cried when they said their I do's as well as when she and her father had the father- daughter dance. I wore a beautiful rented honeysuckle gown and you wore my father's barong tagalog. We were quite a pair that the priest even acknowledged that we may be the next couple to tie the knot. Talk about pressure. I could positively see you sweat and your hair stand on end at what he said. I just blushed really hard and waved it off saying, that's not happening anytime soon. But this induced many teasings from my friends at the reception. After my friend and her groom said their I do's the priest bent down his head and whispered secret words to them. I wonder what he's telling them, you said to me. Maybe someday we'll find out, I replied. And you laughed. At the reception, they showed several videos, one was pictures of them growing up, another was their prenup photoshoot and the finale was the video of the entire wedding, music- video style. It was a perfect. They made a beautiful couple. I was certain that they will have their happily ever after. As all girls wish for it once they've found their real- life prince. I looked at you, and wondered when you would ask me for real. Or would you even ask, given that I've already accepted all your informal proposals since seven years ago? I told you that I desired a simple church wedding... but will not compromise on the gown, pictures and video as mementos. And that was fine with you. You said you wanted to be married here, close to family and friends. And that was fine with me. I wonder how many times we have talked about our somedays as neither of us was in a hurry. The wedding we've attended certainly reminded us how time flew. It was wonderful to be reminded to stop and dream together once again. 

  

Of Ends and Beginnings

200.

Of ends.

The past few years I have had to say goodbye to a lot of things. To a lot of people. To things I've gotten used to. To familiarity. To my first hospital where I started to become who I was meant to be, where I learned to stretch out my wings and take that very first step outside my comfort zone. But it was not meant to be. I got one year there then I had to leave... whereas you got to stay. Ironic, when I was the one who helped apply in the first place. You've stayed there for more than 2 years now. It wasn't fair. Life rarely is fair. I finished my masteral degree, but was still jobless and hopeless. I saw you during your free time and sometimes when we had gym sessions together and that made me happier. You gave me my purple qwerty phone as a consolation gift so I could text you when I went job hunting in manila since my old phone was dead. You couldn't have been more supportive. I was gone more than a month. It was a fruitless effort though since all those agencies I've applied for wanted to send me off to obscure clinics in Saudi or wanted to fake my paperwork, things my good moral sense could never take. Another dead end. I was really at my lowest, and no amount of pep talk from you could shake that dark cloud over my head. It's true what they say, when you're at your lowest, you are open to the most change. I prayed for a job. Any job that is even a little related to healthcare. I needed the money. More than that I needed to preserve my self- worth. I wanted to start living. 

Of beginnings. 

One month after I applied, I got that fateful call to appear for an interview in Iloilo for a job at our national health insurance corporation. I was ecstatic. I called you and you were equally excited. I told my family and they were so happy for me too. In no time at all, I got in. I was one of the lucky 23 chosen for the whole region. Of more than  20,000 applicants, only 500 were taken in. I thanked my lucky stars for that. It was a whole new ball game and it wasn't even in my own field. Suddenly I had it all again. It was a job that required me to help people, talk to them, travel around the island, and help sort out the muddy health financing system of our country. I was well- paid and happy. I had new friends. I was able to contribute to the needs of my family. I had you. I shone. Apparently, I shone too much that the chief of hospital of one of the hospitals I was assigned too, invited me to apply to his hospital as a nurse. And I did, though I did not hope that I would be accepted from the thousand other applicants who already have had experience in their hospital. After only a month, I got another fateful call. In spite of being happy at my job, I missed being a nurse. And when you pressured me into coming back into my field, I remember how irritated I was that I snapped at you. You were only trying to help. I am sorry about that. Suddenly I found myself at a crossroads. To leave or to stay? Leave for a hard job that paid little, a one year contract only, but will be better in the long term? Or stay at an easy job that I shone in but had little room for advancement? I asked my father for advice that he gave willingly and I followed it though it was painful. I had to say goodbye to everything once again when I got accepted into this new hospital. I may have hurt others for my decisions but these were for my own good. I was forgetting how I loved my real profession. No matter what, you told me, you will always be mine and I will love you no matter what you do with your life. Choose what will make you happy, you said. And I did. And stepping into this new phase of my life was like stepping into old shoes, retracing my old steps and conquering a challenge. It was tiring but I felt it in my bones that I was exactly where I was meant to be. Beginning again. And you were with me every step of the way, with an open hand, advice and a loving embrace.    

Love Song

199. Our 7th anniversary last July 28, 2012 was quite a memorable one indeed. We had our annual picturetaking, a fantastic dinner at Mely's Garden, gift-giving at Felicia's, heartwarming letter- reading(remember my funny letter that resembled nurses' notes?) and lastly- my serenade to you. I had been wanting to show you in an extra special way that I loved and adored you but no matter how much I thought about getting you a gift, my  ideas which involved material things seemed to pale. And so I came up with 3 gifts instead- a wallet, a special tumbler and a song. It took me only 2 days to compose  the music and lyrics for that song since I was especially inspired. A friend helped me get started with the tune and my brother, I commend, for teaching me the guitar pro6 program to help me transpose the keys from my piano to the computer. It was challenging but everything was ready by the time our anniversary came. I designed the tumbler myself as well, using our picture and lyrics. I couldn't wait to see the look on your face. It was challenging to keep my mouth shut during the entire week. I was a bad liar. 

When the day came at last, I wowed you with my little black dress. Lovers that we were, we could hardly take our eyes and hands off each other especially that day. I was happy that I could still have that effect on you after all these years. When we had our picturetaking at our usual studio even though we were so unprepared, the pictures still came out great especially our twilight-horror shot which was in a word- breathtaking. We could have been really in showbiz. Then you, since you asked me to choose a gift(to make sure I liked it), took me to a shop, and I happily picked out a bag. After our dinner, we went to Felicia's and settled in at a booth in the very back. The place was thankfully empty except for us. When we exchanged gifts (the bag and the wallet), you already seemed pleased. Then I remember asking you if you liked my gift. You replied that you loved it, especially since your old wallet was tearing apart. Then I whispered to you that I was so happy you loved it because now came part 2 and part 3 of my gifts. You looked confused. Then I played my mp3 accompaniment on my cell phone and beautiful music filled the air as I started to sing my song: 

Love Song

I close my eyes and see

that first day that we met

that day you fell in a dream

and I was finally awake

Under a kind of spell

since that kiss you stole from me

can't you tell that I've been waiting

for someone to love me for me

Chorus 1

Your love is all I need

To get through today

tell the world

that I'll fight for you

Coz I will, come what may

So sing with me this love song

that would never be over

Coz you will always be the one

say you'll be mine

say you'll be mine

forever 

Seven years have passed since then

And our love grew ever stronger

Now we worry for grown up things

But with you, it could only get better

You still kiss me like the day

you let me take off your armor

And when you hold me in your arms

Wish we'd stay this way forever

Chorus 2

Your love is all I need

To get through everyday

Tell the world

that I'll fight for you

Coz I will, come what may

So I'll sing with you this love song

that would never be over

Coz you will always be the one

Say you'll be mine

Say you'll be mine

Coz I will be yours

I will be yours

Forever

Do I even need to say that I made you the happiest person in the world that day? Though you were a bit shocked. And I felt in my heart that our love could only grow more and more stronger. I tried to keep the tears from falling but I couldn't. I gave you the tumbler with the lyrics so that you would always remember how cherished you are especially within my heart. As the room filled with people, we whispered our I love you's to each other, oblivious to them, wrapped up in our own world. I will love you forever. Happy anniversary my love.    

  

 

Fight For You

198. Imagine a lady standing in the middle of a pool of flames, desperate for a way to safely escape the danger beset upon her. When all hope seems lost, a knight in shining armor astride a magnificent steed breaks through the flickering pyre and rescues the helpless lady. She is grateful for the greatest gift of a second chance at life given to her by this handsome and courageous stranger, a stranger she repays with a kiss and a promise- that her heart will be his alone. Then comes happily ever after. Reality hits. I am not this lady. And you are not this knight. We're just two ordinary people, not characters out of a fairy tale; with far more ordinary lives and flaws sometimes too many to count. You've had your heart broken even by me and somehow have pieced it together like a jigsaw puzzle. You're never there the moments I need the most rescuing, making me wonder if I attract these seemingly bad elements naturally. And I am left to fend for myself at times. These moments challenge us. They make us grit our teeth and wonder if this is really worth it  in the end. They taunt us and call us names, calling out to us... are you willing to fight for this? Whatever 'this' is still highly changeable no matter how good the outlook and bright the horizon. A risk. A dare. The very word life has an 'if' right at the center of it. Our world doesn't revolve around us, and can so easily break apart at the mere snap of unseen fingers just as easily as it has fallen into place for us. And again comes the question, in spite of everything, are you willing to go on and tell the world with the greatest confidence, that you knew I would fight for you? Some nights I wish our lives were easier, that I knew what went on inside your head and you'd know what's really inside my heart. Face it, words can be empty and can potentially form terrible lies. But do you know what's truly amazing though? It's not how long we've lasted together, nor our undeniable chemistry. It's our complete willingness to be led and to lead. To hurt and be hurt. To fight until the center of our chests tighten and our hearts feel like they could explode and we are out of breath. And although I face some of my battles alone, wearing my own kind of armor, that at the end of the day, I can simply run into the safety of your arms and all is right with the world. And you have that special trait that allows you to show your vulnerability to me without the least sense of insecurity. Two people just loving each other the the best way they know how. Breathless and dizzy and giddy for the next chapters in their story. Yes, we are ordinary people but our love is indeed something extraordinary. Something real. Something to fight for. To die for. I would die for you any day. Any day  at all. 

The Letter

197. It' been a long time since I've posted here for you my dear since we've both been leading busy lives as of late. It's very hard to find more time for us yet a necessary sacrifice for our future and it will make our reunions all the more sweeter after all. So for now I'll just post here the letter I gave you on our anniversary last year. I recently read it as I was contemplating the letter I would be writing for our 7th anniversary next month. It's amazing how we've come so far in just a year. Just a blink of an eye I can't believe it...

7/28/11

Dearest S,                                                                                                                                        

Happy 6^th Anniversary! It’s truly an amazing feat to be with you for this long. Sometimes it feels longer than that and sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday that we met at La Salle and I hit you with my book as you stole my precious first kiss. Just the same, I think you’re the greatest gift and blessing given to me in this life. If I can help it, I won’t write such a long letter to you since this card’s given message is already quite long, though extremely beautiful and appropriate.  I didn’t have a hard time picking it because it was quite accurate in the depiction of my feelings for you. 

I want to thank you for being in my life. You’ve been the greatest truest friend to me these past years, especially these past few weeks wherein I’ve felt really down and crazy. When I needed you, you were simply there for me and I couldn’t ask for more. When I feel that I am continuously sinking or lost or falling, I always question myself why oh why do you keep helping me? Even when I push you away by testing your patience. Why are you still here? Why do you stay? You tell me it’s because you love me.  What on earth could have I possibly done to deserve such a man? Such an amazing, loving, caring, selfless, intelligent, generous,  beautiful man such as you. That is why it killed me when I hurt you in more ways than one. I am so very sorry for those times.  Thank you for staying. I will continue to endeavor to deserve your love because I am so committed to you and this relationship.  There is nothing in the world I want more than to spend the rest of my life with you till we’re old and gray.

Lot’s of changes occurred in the past year. You, with a lot of luck, attained a good job with decent pay and was able to start doing all those things you couldn’t before- like helping with your family financially, delving into business, attaining a leadership status at work, being looked up to and depended upon and many others. As I watched you grow professionally, I admit I was so very proud because you were moving forward in spite of your challenges…but here I was, remaining the same old me. There were times I felt like I’m getting left behind once again and it’s not a very nice feeling.  More than once I’ve cried in your arms because of my insecurities and I’m sorry for that. Thank you for being so kind to me and endlessly patient when I become such a crybaby.  You wipe my tears away and somehow know exactly what to say. I love how you always manage to make me laugh. You’re like the sun to me. No, you’re even brighter than the sun.  I could never live without you. I wouldn’t survive.

I know that there will be changes coming in the near future. We’ll most probably be parted from each other and go into a long-distance relationship. My love, if I don’t take the opportunities coming my way, there may never be for me again you see. I agree it’s bold. But I know I have a lot on the line and many people are depending on me that I don’t want to let down. No mater how innocent or unprepared or frightened I am. It just doesn’t matter.  I have to move forward too.  I don’t want to leave you Stan. But I have to. So I can be with you and make my life with you in the future. I know you understand that mentally though I feel your heart screaming at me to stay. You’re being kind by trying to hide that fact from me. But the truth is that I feel it to even when you don’t say it. I see it in your eyes. And I know you see it in mine. When the day comes that I have to leave, I don’t think I have the strength to look back at you. I may end up just staying.  Building my life around you has made me afraid of change. So I cannot and will not look back. Just wish me well. With you in my heart, how could I ever be lost? We aren’t truly apart.

So… I want to say on this special day of ours; because it may be probably the last anniversary we ever have. I love you. For the first time you stole my kiss. I love you. For the first time you won my heart. I love you. For all those times, I’ve hurt you in the past. I love you. For this moment as I look in your eyes, shining with all the love I can show. I love you. For all those times I will miss. I love you. For all the loneliness you will feel when I am gone. I love you. For always and always. I love you. And when we meet again I shall tell you face to face as many times as you want once again.  I love you. Happy Anniversary. 

Lots of love, hugs and kisses, M

Safe Harbor

196. When I look at you I see a miracle. This perfect person who was made to complement my every being. Truly, there is nothing more satisfying and being in your arms and feeling the two halves of our hearts made whole. I don't expect our relationship to be perfect but I do continue to hope for the best for all the aspects of our lives to fall into place. I know there will be trials ahead, there always are. I am secured by the knowledge that you will be my safe harbor and I shall be yours. When you shall someday cross oceans without me, you'll carry with you that knowledge. I wonder about those in long distance relationships; how they've stayed good and strong and loyal through all the years in spite of being apart. I guess I'll find that out myself when that time comes and I have this feeling that it will be coming soon. God always has uncanny timing with his blessings. I believe that now more than ever. But I'd like you to know that wherever life takes us that I shall never love another person the way that I love you. No matter the storms nor gales that threaten us, we shall return to each other safe and sound. And that will be one miracle I cannot wait to experience. To feel that even though you are not within my sight nor reach, that when I close my eyes, we are still together. This life, in all it's ups and downs, I will never get enough of as long as I'm with you.