Someday

195. There was once a time wherein we played this "Someday" game. It was after one of our regular dates then persisted long throughout the night through text. This was not really a game, for there were no rules and we just made it up on the spot however, we enjoyed it immensely and we learned so much about each other and affirmed many commonalities and differences we had. Most of all shared what we wanted out of our lives. We are young. We are hopeful. We still dream and hope to forever. Someday I shall wake up with you beside me and be absolutely at peace. Someday we shall have our own home. Someday we shall travel and see the world with new eyes. Someday we will get lost together. Someday we shall have children. Someday I shall rude a horse once more. Someday I shall find a job that will make me feel fulfilled. Someday I shall provide well for my family. Someday I shall not worry about money. Someday I shall wear a white dress and say my I do's with the man that was meant for me. Someday we shall kiss torridly in public. Someday I shall find happiness. Someday I shall help others fulfill their dreams. Someday we shall make passionate love, as slow or as fast and in all ways, without worrying about the consequences. Someday I shall stand on my own two feet. Someday I shall have a room that I can call my own. Someday I shall always be inspired. Someday I shall be strong. Someday I shall learn how to cook like a pro. Someday I shall be a great nurse. Someday we shall be more daring and risk-taking. Someday I shall be successful. Someday I shall be powerful. Someday I shall save many lives. Someday I shall be a good leader. Someday I shall lose control. Someday I shall teach my child how to play the piano. Someday I shall teach my child how to play basketball and volleyball. Someday I shall learn a new sport. Someday we shall make love on a deserted beach. Someday I shall finish my novel. Someday we shall eat breakfast in bed together. Someday I shall be well-known for something good I've done. Someday I shall have a Siberian husky. Someday I shall make my parents proud. Someday I shall have a formal romantic date at an expensive restaurant with you. Someday I shall kiss you good night and tuck you in. Someday I shall sleep beside you and wake up with you beside me. Someday all my dreams will come true. Someday all your dreams will come true. Someday all our dreams will come true. Someday there will no more be somedays because they will be all be real. I believe they will eventually someday, with you by my side.  

My Novel

194. I sometimes asked myself why I've never continued writing my novel- the one I've started writing since  my high school years. I poured my heart and soul into those two hundred or so pages of pure fantasy about a goddess thrown out of heaven, inspired by my dreams and internal wishes. Writer's block or what not, I just suddenly felt no desire to continue writing. Fiction, no matter how beautiful or exciting, paled in comparison to reality the moment I entered the next chapter in my life- college and... you. When I read my work with the new older critical eyes, the perfectionist side of me saw scribbles made by a child who had no direction in her life. The story itself was a mess. It lacked fluidity, grace, focus and character development. There were also some good points- the storyline was quite interesting, and the world was intensely creative but it wasn't enough. I rewrote twenty pages before putting down the pen. Taking a deep breath, I told myself I had to start anew. But not today. I had so many things to do in my life yet. So many things I've yet to experience and develop within myself first before I could complete this book. I was still a girl waiting for her adventure to start. I then realized that that was what exactly I had to do. I had to wait and live. The girl with the red hair and violet eyes had to grow up first. She had to die so she could start a new life. And she had to fall in order to be free. To learn the real meaning of love, sacrifice and family. And lastly, love a man she would have never dreamed of possibly loving in a million lifetimes. To live would be the greatest adventure. I shall write my novel seriously again one day. Someday. Until completion. I hope that you would read it then.    

How Long?

193. People frequently ask me about how long we've been together. When I tell them six years, they have varied and frankly surprising reactions. Some are happy for us and think that our blissful monogamous relationship is undoubtedly blessed because of its longevity. They encourage us to keep our love strong. Others continually prod me as to the reason why we haven't tied the knot yet, seemingly impatient to be invited to our wedding. I laugh at how they corner me into inviting them to our imaginary nuptials sometime into our imaginary future. And the least favorite reactions are that of skepticism, superstition and that of negativity. 'Six years is a long time. Too long.'. 'Tie the knot soon, don't let it get to seven years or else you won't be together.' 'It's bad luck to be in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship longer than 7 years.' 'You're young. If it doesn't work out there's lots of time so just take it slow.' 'I know couples breaking up on their 7th year.' 'Six years already? You might get bored of him soon so get married quickly.' I just cringe at all of them. I don't need their unsolicited advice that borders on the insulting. At times, these kinds of reactions just makes my blood boil. I believe that they have no right to butt into other people's business. What do they know about our relationship? Nothing. They only see the surface of us as a couple. They don't see all the challenges we've had to overcome. All the heartache we've endured. All the love, time and effort and self- sacrifice we've given to each other. All the memories, good and bad and seemingly ordinary, that we've shared. If they gave advice it should have been that of concern, encouragement and love. Not meant to strike fear. Not meant to incite anger. Not meant to warn. Not meant to show apparent jealousy. Not meant to pressure. Not meant to insult. If they have nothing good to say about us then they should have just kept their mouths shut and their opinions to themselves. I don't know when exactly we are getting married. I don't know if we're going to end up with each other forever even with all the love we have. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. All I know is about today. Today, I love you with all of my heart, with all of my soul, and with all of my mind. Today, I am happy with you and I do hope you are happy with me too. Today, I am here with you to dream with you, to laugh and cry with you, and to love you through all the ways I know how. I can only hope for the best for tomorrow. For our tomorrow.  'How long we've been together' is not what they should have asked me. Instead, they should have asked, 'what has kept you together all this time'. It is a simple answer. Love. And love doesn't have an expiration date.    

Puppies Galore

192. When my dog, Bella, got impregnated by the black dog that went inside our gate my initial reaction was that of shock. My first dog, our baby practically, was going to be a mother. She was only two years old although in human years that meant she was already between 14-21 years old. We already had two dogs, Bella who was a black spitz-like mixed breed and Kloe, who was a daschund-dalmatian cutie. I couldn't imagine having even more dogs since they were already a handful. Through the next few months I monitored her pregnancy, perhaps like I would a real human being. I listened for heartbeats using a stethoscope though I couldn't be certain exactly as to how many sets there were. I read about dog pregnancy in the internet and even started preparing a space for her at the house. Too bad the puppies took me by surprise anyway so I wasn't able to witness nor assist in their delivery no matter how much it would have fascinated me. It was around 10pm that I lay down on my bed to sleep. As I was starting to doze, I heard small whimpers coming from underneath. My eyes immediately flew open and I turned on the lights and looked under my bed. Bella was there, with four adorable black, wrinkly puppies. I shrieked and called my mother to come look. It was a bloody mess under my bed, my dog had used a part of my comforter as her birthing area. My father warned that Bella may be aggressive if we attempt to touch the puppies so we first lured her out of the room using food and water. We then examined the the tiny puppies one by one and discovered that one was a still born. I attempted chest compression but it was useless. Poor little puppy. We covered him up and buried him the next day. We didn't show my dog her dead puppy because we thought it would only upset her. We placed the rest of the healthy puppies, two boys and a girl, into the box that I prepared for them which was lined with towels. We then let Bella rejoin them. I then phoned you and practically shouted in your ear about what happened. You said you couldn't wait to see them, it was like we were grandparents we joked. Over the next weeks, she searched for the dead puppy that we had buried. It was heartbreaking to see her whimper and scratch around the spot she had given birth in and kept on searching my room. Maybe we should have let her spent more time with her dead little one so she would understand that he was gone. At least she had her other healthy puppies to care for. It was amazing to see her breastfeed for the first time, lick them clean and equally revolting to see her eat her puppies' yellowish poo. So instinctive. Life is amazing. My family first thought of giving away the puppies but attachment grew so we were unable to. And now our house is full of dogs. Their maintenance is expensive but we love them all. Well, at least we would never have problems with neighborhood thieves.  

A Memorable Valentines

191. Time has flown by so fast and now we find ourselves facing another valentines day. Our 6th one in fact. Since the fist time we've celebrated this day dedicated to lovers, I've seen and experienced the many ways love is expressed. Through roses, love songs, letters, dates and kisses. Everywhere, shops put up decorations on their windows of red hearts, arrows, cupids and couples kissing. On the way to the office, I saw several boys, lining up at the entrance of my old all-girl alma mater with roses and chocolates. The girls that would be receiving the attention would incite admiration and envy in their own sex. I remembered even sending myself a gift just to not feel out of place, labeling the gift from a secret admirer. But you know what? Love isn't just shown through those material things accompanied by sweet nothings. I suddenly remember from religion class that there are actually many different kinds of love. Love for god. Love for family. Love for comrades. The romantic kind. And lastly, the lusty kind. I believe that we all have felt these kinds of love at some point in our lives. If not all than most of them. When I woke up that valentines day, the first thing I did was to thank God for today, for my family and for you. Even though my mother was a bit flighty because she wanted to go to the office earlier than usual, leaving me no time for brainstorming gift options for you, she did patiently help me with my wardrobe that day. She knew I had a date with you and even joked with me. I didn't expect this day to be completely magical as I'd hoped, but I appreciated that everything that happened that day went absolutely right. I didn't prepare a gift for you because although I racked my brain about gift ideas, I came up empty. To ease my dilemma you told me to buy something useful to you- thus the boxers. I seem to be giving you boxers as gifts more often. I wonder what that means. That day, I was just waiting for you at the office, chatting with a co-worker who undeniably had a crush on me but was absolutely not my type, when the radio suddenly played our song "how did you know." When I heard it, I felt my heart squeeze in my chest, like the old days, I had the feeling that you would be arriving at any moment so I stood up in my seat and my intuition couldn't have been more spot on for I saw you alighting from the jeepney. Our office security guard, upon seeing you, opened our doors and you walked toward me, your arms filled with the most beautiful roses and a breathtaking giant handwritten letter. Co- workers cheered. I gushed and we kissed as I received your gifts. Truthfully, I hadn't expected flowers at all, much less the giant handwritten card. I was pleasantly surprised and deeply touched that you made that card, even with all the grammar challenges and the tiny font filling the entire two foot page. The meaning behind those words washed over my heart like a hot wave upon the shore, an affirmation and declaration of love and appreciation. No one else could have gone to great lengths to confidently display their affection in public, if it wasn't true and good. And your love is exactly that. But even without all that thoughtful flourish, I would have still known you loved me and would have been content just being with you for the day. We ate at a great Chinese restaurant that we recently discovered at the Terra Dolce building and since our giant piece chess game didn't push through, we went back home to drop off the gifts and do some picture taking to commemorate the day before we continued our valentine date. As we went to the mall, with raised eyebrows we observed the many people we encountered. Some were in peaceful bliss like ourselves, others were fighting, crying, some were still eagerly searching for the perfect gift, and some girls went about carrying their roses like proud trophies, still, others were alone. Young and old, it seemed everyone was at the mall that time getting into the lovey- dovey spirit of the season. We encountered a classmate and waited with her as she waited for her other girlfriends for a single's date. It was good to catch up with her. We browsed cellular phones and bought my gift for you at the department store and drank your favorite mango shake from zagu. That was actually your second mango shake of the day since your first green mango shake was from the Chinese restaurant. We watched for a short time the free mall concert that was being given before you finally accompanied me home. We cuddled for a bit at the sofa, watching television, and I gave u a relaxing whole back and arm massage using some special aromatherapy oil. It was sweet and romantic. When we kissed and said our eventual goodbyes, we reflected on what a perfect day we had. It was definitely a valentines day I will remember for the rest of my life. 

Worst Eating Experience Ever

190. Do you remember our date at this restaurant? Of course you do since you wasted so much money here. Not for great food, unfortunately. Prior to our horrid experience there, we were clueless. There was a buzz going around that this new restaurant in town, famed for their blueberry pancakes and other arrays of comfort food, had opened and we just had to try it even once. Our curiosity led us to the worst eating experience of our lives. When we arrived there, the waiters and waitresses gave a very good first impression on us because they were so polite, well-mannered and good looking. However, first impressions don't last. The potato salad side dish that I ordered tasted horribly rancid as if it had gone bad. They had to replace it with something else- pasta. Pasta side dish to go with pasta main dish. Their pasta was a tad overcooked yet tasted good but their portions were disappointing considering the price. Their blueberry pancakes were only a quarter blueberry. The rest was just pancake. One had to drenched it in syrup to get any blueberry in them. It was nothing special. One could easily get more value for money by just buying the easy-to-cook version in the supermarkets. Their expensive coffee tasted just ordinary. The chicken dish that we ordered was overly seasoned with aromatics and left a dreadful taste in our mouths afterward. Indeed, once you get past the sleek, modern and orangey exterior, there was nothing else much to that blasted restaurant. We certainly would never eat at this place again nor endorse this place to our friends. I'd prefer any fast food burger joint than this place ever again. As I pass by this restaurant, I can observe that their customers are starting to dwindle. I guess we're not the only disappointed ones. There are a ton of great restaurants in our city so if they don't shape up soon they will have to pack up and take their pancakes with them. 

Soul mates

189. The idea of soul mates instantly triggers a spark of interest in me. What is a soul mate? A quick search on the internet reveals so many inconclusive things- beliefs that border on the absurd and the intensely romantic notions of two separate halves to be united. That the very purpose of life is to find "the one" is something to be questioned. Who is "the one" who is your "soul mate"? Some people believe that the person whom they are currently with romantically is "the one", even after all the failed relationships they've undergone. Even after all the "the ones" turned out to be "wrong ones" they continue to believe in that notion. We used to be four-legged creatures split into two by the old gods, fearing our power as whole human beings. Some beliefs regard soul mates as one soul, split into two, destined to search for each other in each reincarnation of their lives. Only then, after finding the other, will they return to God. Another theory is that we were all married in heaven by God, and after being born here on earth, we find the one God meant for us. Of all these theories I like the last one best because it would mean that there is someone for each of us, all we have to do is find them. I believe that we, as human beings, were never meant to be alone. If our God is love then He has always meant us to experience that love in our fellow human beings. A life partner is one of the best ways to fill that longing that has been engraved deep into our souls, whether we recognize it or not. To love and be loved is the greatest thing in all of the universe. It is important to recognize our soul mate when he or she comes along but what is the most important is making yourself into the best person you can be, the you that God meant for you to be, and the you your partner deserves. If you focus on being "the one" then "the one" will just come along naturally that's what I believe. Like flowers and bees. I met my soul mate in my dreams and I met him in real life. The one I was waiting for. I found him in you. I must be so lucky to find you so soon in this life. You have made my life more meaningful in so many ways. I cannot thank you enough. Although we may occasionally drive each other insane. I cannot love you enough, my soul mate. I will love you forever. 

A Sign from Above

188. You and I know that I am horribly guilty of questioning whether or not we were "meant to be together". I supposed it all started when you stole my kiss without any semblance of a courtship and I found myself with a boyfriend the following day. Perhaps it was also being your seventh girlfriend and having six other women to watch out for since the start and you being my first. You and I know that had I just a bit more mature and strong-willed, or you a tad bit "torpe" and less magnetic the entire universe would have conspired against us and we would not have been together in the slightest. Yet here we are still together after a good six years, still fighting. One day we had a horrible quarrel because of you know who. I was terribly unhappy not only because I  hurt you needlessly but also of feeling that you deserved much better. So much better than what I can offer you. So much better than what I did. Like a tainted, brittle, cracked glass, I was close to my breaking point that time. I took deep breaths and stopped myself from crying, sitting by myself in a bus, preparing to depart the station to work. It was a strange place to pray to the Lord and ask for guidance but that's what I did. I prayed my heart out and asked for a sign. Lord, I said, should I stay with him after what I did? Please give me a sign. Something. If he is still the one you want me to be with, let him come to me on this bus right now. Then at that moment you stepped inside the bus and we locked eyes. There never was a more heart stopping moment. It was nothing short of a miracle. I gasped in surprise and a tear escaped my eye. Thank you Lord, I prayed. That was fast. I'll take it from here. Since that day, I've always tried my hardest to make it up to you. I swore that I'd become the kind of girl that you deserve to be with; the kind of girl who unconditionally loved; someone you'd be perpetually honored to have on your arm. Someone to never hurt you. Someone you could always rely on. Someone who can always make you happy. Maybe make you laugh at times. Someone to be your friend. I pray for us even more now. I pray for us to last the way we should. To be forever together, for infinity. We will, I am sure of it now.  

The Sea Dragon

187. One fine sunny day in October, a fair came to our city and set up behind one of our malls. I had just returned from an exhausting unsuccessful job-hunting trip in Manila and found out from one of my classmates in graduate school about the said fair and its many exciting rides which could only be usually found in Luzon. Naturally, from the moment I heard about it, I pestered you constantly until you agreed to take me one evening. The grounds were jam-packed with so many people, so many of them couples and children. There was so much excitement around that you could feel the night air positively tingling. We chose only one ride, the sea dragon, because of the extremely long lines. It would have been impossible to finish all of the rides in time for a family dinner anyway. The ride resembled a smaller version of Enchanted Kingdom's Anchor's away which was akin to a gigantic boat swinging back and forth like a swing. We chose to sit at the farthest end of the boat so we could savor the exciting plunge. With the bright lights and exciting music, the boat started to swing back and forth and back and forth. Up and down repeatedly and violently. Then we felt it. That awful sensation of our internal organs  being dropped and taken back up again. It was nauseating. I was afraid that I might be tossed off the ride when it went up to the highest point and sustain some broken bones or puke my insides out. Luckily we were buckled up real tight. However, I still thought it was so much fun. I held on to you tight and you even took a video and a picture. You were more scared than I was. That was the funny part. But you felt so ill afterwards you vowed never to ride the damn thing again. It didn't spoil our appetite for pizza with your family though.

Shawarma

186. Let's have another blog about food! I haven't talked about our favorite eats in awhile so I shall dedicate this entry about another one of our our personal favorites: Shawarma. The best way to describe this is that basically it's like a sandwich wrap made of delicious beef and vegetables like onions and cucumbers, flat bread and some special sauces. The beef is placed on a spit and roasted and after a few hours is shaved off using a huge knife. Another variation we have tasted is the Shawarma rice which is exactly the same except instead of the flat bread, fried rice is used. This is topped with a fried egg and oozing white sauce. Incredible unhealthy goodness. Just a serving of this rice dish could fill us up for hours. However, I still think we prefer the original wrapped kind. It's much healthier and we could actually savor the vegetables and sauce. I like mine with some hot sauce because it just adds something extra. All in all, this is one satisfying side-walk treat that makes one's mouth water and one's stomach very much fulfilled. The only negative things I can say about this dish is that you can't seem to get enough of it and it gives you bad breath. Not good for kissing at all.     

The Puppeteer

185. I find it amusing how you form relationships with people in general. For instance, your charming arrogance immediately places people on guard and at ease at the same time. Paired with the deadly combination of humor and wit and intelligence, I observe that you make people connect to you and trust you so easily. And this is the part where you attach your invisible strings, unbeknownst to them. I don't think anyone wants to be on your bad side because you tend to be so menacing and manipulative when provoked. When you pull their strings, they dance. They follow whatever you will. And they aren't even aware of it. Even I fall victim at times. The willing victim.  I'm constantly in awe of how you maneuver yourself in sticky situations, and it always seems that you know exactly what to say. In line of this I'm left with the curiosity of how you handled yourself in the past when you were younger. To the time when your confidence was still building up. And your handling of people, women in particular, was still being polished. Were you as manipulative and charming then as you are now? I wish I could see how you were in the past. I'd probably fall head over heels for you the moment you took your shirt off stage at that school beauty contest you won and probably abhor your innate cockiness. You told me recently that if I wanted to see how you looked then, I should look at your younger brother because he too participated in such events. My curiosity got the best of me and I did look at his pictures on facebook. He looked almost exactly like you except younger. Great genes, I thought. He won second place. Your family was so proud of him as they were of you in the past. As they are now of the man you've become. I sometimes get the feeling that you'd very much like to return to your glory days and all the attention-getting activities you participated in. Sports, contests, student council activities and your overly active love life. The boy with the golden tongue. The one with so many puppets at his beck and call. But you've changed a lot, you know. You're so much more mature now then you were then. I wondered what triggered this change of heart in you. Was this just a part of growing up and growing older each day? Or a conscious decision? Or something with regards to the environment? But whatever it is, this is for certain: that I'll love you just the same. After all, as a master puppeteer, you sure know how to pull good strings. Especially with my heart.     

The Importance of Friendship

184. Having someone as a friend is like a breath of fresh air. Indispensable. Prevents us from feeling loneliness. Keeps our sanity intact. Problems dissolve with just a hand to hold on, a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, a smile and an open heart and mind. People need people. And the relationships we have with them are blessings to be cherished and nurtured. Friends are like angels sent by God to light our darkest days and share our brightest ones. They have seen us at our worst and our best yet are there through it all. They are the first ones to notice the glints of starlight in our eyes when we are happy and the sadness in our eyes, hidden behind a smile. The best and most important part of it all: they are the ones that take all our sorrows, regardless of their own, and try to make everything better for us, restoring that equilibrium in our lives. I've had many friends in my lifetime and a few close ones, each of them important to my life in their own unique way. Giving happiness and color in their own time, and receiving them in kind. Thank you for being one of my true friends. Sometimes I forget how truly important you are to me, not only in terms of love and chemistry but friendship as well. You're not just my boyfriend, lover and future life partner. You're my very best friend in the world. I think you're the one who understands me best of all. Though we do get into misunderstandings and disagreements sometimes, amazingly, you're still here with me, far longer than anyone has ever been inside my restless heart and have never once let go of my hand. I love you, dearest friend. No matter the words I utter, cannot even begin to compare the love in my heart for you- one that is unconditional and that will last for as long as I live. Nothing you do could possibly extinguish that love. Absolutely nothing at all. I will remain devoted to you and to our friendship.         

Spooky Memories

183. To a certain point, I loved being scared. Every single time there is a horror room I never fail to prod you to come with me. I like hearing ghost stories and it amuses me that although they make the hairs on the back of my neck to prickle and cause increased heart rates, it causes the skeptic in me to shut down and the imaginative side of me to come out and play. I find horror to be mostly psychological. And that is what makes it thrilling. I remember one time, at our annual school fair, the grand entrance of the horror room where a bloody, ghostly bride walked with two zombie flower girls around the school. It was splendid. I remember when we watched a horror flick at a friend's house during our free time. He was essentially a scaredy-cat even with such things so we even had to tie him up to keep him from fleeing the room as we watched the Ring. When we watched movies at the mall, we would hold each other close and tremble together in the dark together. You were just as scared as I was. The most terrifying event for you would probably be when you saw ghosts at our university and at my  house. But if you would ask me, there is wisdom in the saying that the living should be more feared than the dead. After all, given enough faith and positivity, ghosts cannot harm us. Facing a flesh and blood murderer, robber or rapist is a much more horrifying thing. It scares me to be in the shoes of families of victims who've died so brutally. It scares me to imagine myself or loved ones hurt in any kind of way. It scares me to death to imagine you taken from me because of a number of things like accidents or you leaving me for another woman. Nothing is more spookier than being in the dark. Alone. Cold. Hungry. As I imagine so many people are in the world. These are worse things than dying. It's the loss of dignity. It's so awful that many people go to war for it which only compounds the problem. Ghosts probably all watch these with dismay that they cannot do anything corporeal to avenge their own deaths and preserve the lives of others. So they remain as lost souls in my opinion. And every November 1 and 2, people visit their graves, some with a festive air, some with heavy hearts, to pray. And ghosts probably are thankful for that event that remembers them once a year- the event wherein the veil between the living and the dead are at its thinnest.

The Realization

182. Funny. I just realized an amusing fact about myself. I am a guy magnet. Not an ordinary guy magnet. An already-taken-guy-magnet. I attract guys who are already in relationships. Does that make me the other woman on all counts? Perhaps. Does it make me evil? I really don't know. Does it make me potentially attracting disastrous relationships? Yes and no. Just great. Even with you. I started out as the other woman. Yes, you didn't love your girlfriend then but the fact was that you were still in a relationship. Currently, there are even two guys who are in relationships currently flirting with me though they fully know that I'm perfectly happy with you. And there's another who broke up with his girlfriend because the more he got to know me, the more unhappy he got with his girlfriend. No, this one didn't fall for me much, it just made him so picky when it came to women. He admired the qualities I possessed too much that I didn't like the way he put me on a pedestal because I knew I wasn't perfect. I doubt that this one will ever be satisfied if he came across a perfectly good woman if he himself doesn't reform his own character flaws. And then there was he who should not be named. Well, that was just such a horrid affair that I refuse to speak about it at this time because it just upsets the both of us because this event only proved how gullible, careless and stupid I am at times. Of all these guys, I do think that only you are the only successful one I've had a successful relationship with which says a lot. One is that you were responsible and decent enough to break it up with your girlfriend first before you pursued me actively. And two is that you have such a secure view of our relationship that though others may come in the way at times, we will survive it no matter what. And three is that though you hate it that I'm so nice and friendly that I attract this much unneeded attention from the opposite sex,  you have never once reacted physically violent to any of them in the least. Jealous as though you may be, you handled all these quite maturely. I love that about you. And lastly, you think of the long-term, even more than myself which shows how invested you are in our relationship. I've realized that I should handle awkward situations with other men as careful and responsible as possible, being assertive though friendly but not giving much of myself away because it could be taken differently. There is wisdom to be had from learning the art of saying "no". In doing so, I am not only protecting our relationship but also myself. I may have not realized it readily at first, but I could have saved myself a lot of heartache by stepping away when the warning signals in my brain sounded. As they say, guard your heart for it is the director of your being. I have already given my heart away to you, therefore I cannot give away what is not mine to give anymore. It wouldn't be right. And it wouldn't be true. It is simple logic.