The First and the Second

208. I know and you know that we have made love countless times over the years. As a woman, however, I take a longer time to get there and it is frustrating at times when you get to finish and I'm still on the uphill climb. I don't really blame you. I actually think that it was my problem. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy making love. I enjoy it far too much. You are a bad influence. I am happy to say that I consider 'the first' and 'the second' to be one of the best experiences that have happened to me this year. And I admit you are getting to be quite orally talented. The first last January was a complete knockout surprise. The second was a delicious deliberate undertaking involving belts(a memorable Valentine's). Afterwards, I remember distinctly how I felt so darn shy around you. I thought long and hard why this was so. Then I realized that it was perhaps I wasn't used to being pleasured by someone other than myself in all of this time we were together. When you finally took the time and when I finally relaxed and just accepted that it was happening I think it was easier. I am still shy around you when it happens though. My heart flutters so much and I think I've tasted a little bit of heaven. I think your ego just rose by 10 points every time it happened though. Maybe there's room for a little more leveling up in the bedroom and I think 'the second' will be burned in our minds for quite a long time. Can't wait for the 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th................................  

Changes

207. Admit it. Things are going much faster for me than it is for you as of the moment. Professionally I have suddenly been promoted into a unit manager position where I am part of a team managing professionals in health care. I suddenly have status. I suddenly have money. I suddenly have a surge of pride. I am able to provide. Lots of things in my life are suddenly on track this year while on the other hand your have has reached a plateau professionally. Funny how things change. Four years ago I was nothing- jobless and depressed all of the time. I remember crying my eyes out on the beach in Boracay and I prayed with all of my might, with all of my heart, with all of my being that God would have a place for me in this world. That He knew what was best for me, more than any human ever could. I knew it was wrong of me, but at this time when your career was soaring and I was at my lowest I admit it-- that I was frankly jealous of you. In our relationship, it's not all about love. We both have a tendency to compete with each other at times. And although that is healthy, when it becomes jealousy it is very bad for us. At my lowest point, you were both like the sun and the darkness to me. You were my life and source of everything and yet you were the constant, nagging reminder that I was way off my destined path. It hurt me more than I can say yet you could not help it. I took a deep breath and bore it and prayed a lot. Time passed. And things started to look up. Funny how things work themselves out. And yet at this point in my life where I have finally found stability professionally I know and feel that God has even greater plans for me. I remember the song 'Temporary home" by Carrie Underwood and I know that in a few years I will be leaving here. After I have learned all that I was meant to learn, I will be leaving with you when you finally ask me to marry you. I will take your hand and leave everything, you can count on that. We will be leaving for greater things. We will be leaving for love, for family and a real chance to make a difference in the world. If you ask me if I will hesitate when the time comes, I will honestly reply yes... but that won't stop me from running away with you. That's how much you mean to me. I love you. And you will forever will be my sun and my darkness. You will always be a risk I will be willing to take. Thank you for letting me see that. 

The Cohabitation Anniversary

206. Is it just me? How the years are flying by without me even blinking. Nine years of you and me. Should I feel anxious and afraid that our happy ever after cannot be? I don't know. The only thing I know is that when I saw you today, on this absolutely special day, I felt truly happy and alive. There were lights in my eyes and the smile on my face was genuine and my heartbeats were faster. I was still in love. 

Happy anniversary. 

This year we planned a cohabitation anniversary: literally living together overnight at your place, pretending to be man and wife-- or what it could be. Or maybe just our honeymoon night, come to think about it.You came to pick me up at home, to the ruse of going to Mambukal with friends, then we went to SM to take our annual couple pictorial with the theme: nurses in love. Our pictures were adorable and the we hanged the framed picture at your place. We bought some alcohol, some maki and sushi and some of our favorite brownies for dessert. We set up the table at your place, a one-bedroom and bathroom, and you opened the present I gave you which was a foldable desk, which you loved. And you got me a pink pulse oximeter that I found very handy at work. Amidst the glow of the electric candle that I brought, and the delicious food, we toasted our love and togetherness. We talked like old friends and made love like pros. It couldn't get more perfect. We made love six times, which was a new record for us and made a lot of firsts. First time we made love while I wore a robe(a red silk dragon robe), which reminded you of a geisha. And first time that I woke you up at 4am and just basically tackled you again on the bed. I think I ended up surprising you more than I surprised myself at my boldness. I think you created a monster. And you enjoyed every minute of it. Did you know I almost cried when you told me that you did not ever regret choosing me? There I was, trying to maintain my pace and you were trying to make me cry. Sleeping together with you continues to be one of the best and most relaxing times of my life as well. The next day, we went to Balaring(a seaside community), and ate at Edgewater restaurant were we had the best ever gambas and squid. Then we went to Mambukal(so that our consciences were clear, and to have more photos). While we were there it rained pretty hard, just like our anniversary 5 years ago. Wasn't that memory so funny? We went to the butterfly sanctuary drenched in rainwater, changed and had hot chocolate while it rained. We took a bunch of pictures with the wet butterflies and bought a gigantic langka(jackfruit) for my family to enjoy. By the end of the day, we were pretty exhausted. After depositing my things at my house, we went out to have dinner at Shawarma Habibi and Qualitea  at Lacson St., another new restaurant at Lacson St., and discovered the best shawarma in town. All in all, a very very perfect successful two-day one-night cohabitation anniversary. I would do it again in a heartbeat. I love you. My heart (and my stomach) was so full. Can't wait for next year.  

Another Proposal

205. I've been with you for 8 years and it is no surprise that our lovey- dovey ways have sprouted several propositions from you that I have always accepted. Thrice occurred during our college days, both in chapels with one of them on your knees and the other one at an inconvenient time before my birthday on a jeep, riding through a market where you gave me our promise ring. You were very serious about having a future with me and it was apparent to me that you weren't going to give the chance to any other man, securing your place in my life. Still, I knew there was fear in you every time you said those words to me. Fear of the unknown, fear of being a provider, fear of being a father, insecurity and the ultimate fear of rejection. However this was natural but I didn't want your hesitancy to plague our relationship. What was the point of your proposals if you cannot follow through on those promises? I gave you an ultimatum that you had to marry me by age 29, with or without the security of material things, else I find another man to do it, I was serious. All this waiting was driving me crazy and I didn't want to have a child at the high risk age of 30 and furthermore, I didn't want money to be one of your reasons for holding back on me. Three more years. And that would mean we've been together for 11 years. 11 years is long enough if you ask me. You had to, if you loved me enough and had enough faith in us. You promised me you would ask for my hand from my parents. I know I pressured you but sometimes a little push is needed to get to where you want. Three days ago, as we were lying in bed together, you proposed to me again. "Marry me," you said, "Two scenarios. We go to Canada next year, marry there legally, have a church wedding here in the Philippines. Or second, we marry next year, since we both have stable jobs here, then reapply to Canada under our new status." I giggled at the thought. We're you actually serious this time around? You had to marry me was very different from you will marry me. I told you no matter what that I will marry you no matter how many times you ask me. No matter the circumstances. My heart skipped a beat. I loved you and you loved me. Maybe in the coming year things will be actually different. I look forward to your next proposal. Maybe you'll just surprise me. 

A New Chapter

204. I can't believe how our lives have continued to evolve throughout the years. From our relationships' stormy infancy we have actually crossed the threshold into steady, serious, full- blown adulthood; facing challenges we could only dream about ten years ago. Immigrating? Looking for well-paid jobs? Tying the knot? Children? Heck, just thinking about those responsibilities sometimes make me want to puke. I feel that I am absolutely not ready for this new chapter in our reality of life. However, no matter how much I just want to close my eyes, shut out the world and focus inwardly, life calls and shouts, "get out of your shell and deal with it! You've been an adult for quite some time." I admit that I've never been happier in my relationship with you. Ever since you finally decided to take that first leap of faith to that immigration consultancy at Iloilo, my faith in our evolving love story was absolutely restored. I was proud of you. I am proud of you for being courageous enough to leave the familiar and take risks into the unknown. With me. You've been doing great at your current job, securing a nice permanent position in an area that you have total dominion over; it's nuances, it's stresses, it's ability to test your patience and love for your calling, all fit into your life like a glove. Yet you're willing to forego that, all for me and family, and the hope that the future could be even better than we could have ever imagined if we just stayed where we are. Perhaps that talk I gave you a few months ago struck a  cord in your heart. I hope I didn't scare you too much with my ultimatum, that if by the time we've reached age 29 and still we haven't settled down, I would leave your side. Although it was said with certainty, I did not think you would let me leave you anyway, had I even the strength to leave, which I don't. It was a wake up call, was it not? For us. To move. To evolve. To live. Nothing ever remains the same even if we willed it to be so. Even us. I really think that we are ready for greater things and greater challenges. Gathering our papers here and there, taking exams, reviewing, putting out large sums of money are all for the benefit of a bigger and better future for the both of us and our families and just the tip of the iceberg for the new and improved chapter of our life. And you know what the best part is? We're never alone. We have each other no matter what happens. We can do this hand in hand. 

Korean Buffet

203. Yet another blog entry about our love for food. It's a wonder that we both aren't obese by now. Good thing that we  don't indulge in this too often. When this little restaurant opened at the Robinson's we couldn't get enough of it. The place was called Shabuniku Warawara and it is a heavenly korean BBQ buffet. For a mere 380 pesos you get unlimited Korean food, the works. Where else can you find unlimited meat, pork, beef and chicken seasoned in all ways, soup, veggies, desert, rice and a kimbap, maki and tempura station? Every time I step in and get my guilty food pleasures fulfilled here I swear I gain 2 pounds in just one sitting. Worth every penny spent, the young Korean owner even acts like the waiter sometimes and helps you BBQ your meat right in front of you on a Korean stove.Very unique. The first time you took me here was the first time I had actually sampled any Korean BBQ and I was so happy to have tried it. Now we are practically veterans of the place and the owner actually noticed since one time he sent over a complimentary ice cream sandwich. More than the food is the quality of talk time we have here. We spend half of the time cooking our meat and the other half talking while eating until our stomachs can't take it anymore. I really love talking to you over delicious food. It really is the perfect combination since it fills our hearts and stomachs at the same time. I can't wait to eat here again.  

Firsts

202. Here we are again... another year came and flew by in a blink of an eye. Eight wonderful years together and the second I thought that things couldn't get better, they do. When I am with you I feel like I can conquer the world, unafraid and confident. You always were a great leader and I have always been your follower, whether or not I have been in love with you in the first place. July 28, 2013 will always remain one of the most beautiful memories I will treasure in our relationship. We made a lot of firsts on this day, and I mean a lot. You'd think in eight years our firsts would be limited but this day proved that there will always be firsts for us as a couple. This was probably the very first time you planned such a trip for just us two. And the first time my parents let me go without complaint. The fact that they trusted you touched me very deeply. Also, it was the first time  that they recognized me as a woman... though I have this feeling that they did because I was already at an age wherein they were already settled and married. Regardless, these things made the start of our journey all the more sweeter.

For weeks, our overnight trip at La Vista highlands was all I could think about and I found myself a little out of breath at my day dreaming and the way my thoughts always ended up with us alone in a room atop a mountain. It was all very romantic. And you made it so. I didn't even made a quip when you offered to pay for the entire thing. I thought that the trip was a perfect gift for our anniversary.

You came to my house in the morning and we took a jeepney ride to the bus station. I couldn't wait to show you the video I made as a gift to you. A compilation of our eight years together as couple. You couldn't wait to see it and even started playing it as we rode to the station. They made your eyes tear up with emotion and people started to stare and I scolded you saying, you shouldn't have played it here and waited until we arrived at the resort.We ended up laughing about it many times throughout the day. When we arrived, nothing could spoil the mood, even the resort manager who was being a little too nosy and noisy for her own good. I didn't expect that the moment we entered our room, you'd pounce on me like a tiger, a testament that told me that you had definitely reached the limit of your self- control. Still, I was innocent enough to expect you to wait until nighttime but no, that wasn't happening tonight, I thought, it was really happening right now. In the depths of my heart, I was happy that you were the one that claimed me finally after all these years. It has always been you. Still, it did not stop me from panicking and crying when you held me down on the bed. That pure female response made my heart hammer in my chest and the blood to surge through my brain. The pain that I felt wasn't as fleeting as I read in the books, and I urged you to be gentle. You were actually afraid that I might faint and fall off the bed and pulled me even closer. When it was done, we showered together and I felt dizzy seeing the blood from my maidenhood dripping down my thighs. I think your heart soared knowing that I now truly belonged to you physically as well as in all other aspects yet you were still so careful with me. I was so happy to give you such a gift- my maidenhood. You have made your permanent mark on me. I always joked with you, how frustrated I was to still be a virgin after eight years yet somehow mourned that final jump over the edge that would  turn me into a true woman. Mourned and rejoiced at the same time. And that was your gift to me- my womanhood. It was beautiful, my love, thank you. We were now truly lovers in every sense of the word, for the first time. I could not imagine a better first. After we had rested a little, we took lunch overlooking a beautiful view. The food was divine, especially the spicy diavolo rolls made of chili and cheese, and we could not finish it all. We did a little sightseeing and rested our stomachs before doing the next thing on our firsts list-- ziplining, superman style. It was exhilarating, like nothing else I've ever experienced. It was another first, the most adventurous thing we have ever done. When we were pushed into the air, streaming down that hill attached to that cable, I screamed my lungs out thinking I was going to die (and it was my idea to go ziplining). The people, the trees, the cows, the little brook, the flowers all looked so small from up there and when my initial fear disappeared, I enjoyed the freedom of it. I finally knew what was like to fly, cutting through the air like a bird in flight. And I flew with you, just like in my dreams. Experiencing freedom with you. It was another first. When all the other resort guests went home, only we and a family were left behind. The family stayed in a little house down the hill and remained there for the remainder of the night. End result- we had the entire resort to ourselves. Couldn't there have been a scenario more romantic? We had a sweet candlelit dinner for two and went night swimming at the gorgeous resort pool even though the night was so cold. It even drizzled. I didn't mind because being with you sent my thermostat higher to keep me warm enough. We talked like the best of friends, and we kissed as if nothing could tear us apart. Not that night. You even tried to teach me how to dive. The majority of our energy spent, we went back to our room, our beautiful room that was cool enough from the mountain air. It sent us cuddling into the covers to keep our bodies warm and wanting. We could not get our hands off each other. It was all familiar and new at the same time. We made love a second time and the pain I felt earlier disappeared. I tried to seduce you with sexy underwear but that cold night sent me shivering so much that you made me wear your jogging pants instead. How like a child I was, having you tie up your jogging pants around me and rubbing me to keep me warm. You were so thoughtful. And you made me feel like the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth. That night we slept without a care in the world. I woke up first the next day and found the courage to initiate, to make love to you. And that was another first. Instead of breakfast in bed, we took it on the balcony and it was simply delicious. Then we dressed up for our outdoor photoshoot. We took so many souvenir pictures to commemorate our trip. We didn't care when people stared. They would only see two lovers so completely immersed in each other. The photos we took were so beautiful that  I later made it into another video. When we left the resort to return to our normal lives, I still felt like I was floating on a cloud. Like I had been in a dream and wasn't so keen on being awake. My body betrayed me as it still searched for you. Your eyes, your hands, your lips, and your skin against mine. Never in my life will I leave you, my body knows this. Memories of this day.. and night.. will now always bring a smile to my lips. It was a perfect anniversary trip. I could never thank you enough.

I am in love. And after eight years, I still am. And now you will forever be my first.

The Wedding

201. No, not our wedding. A friend's wedding. Specifically, the first friend to take a plunge. And hers was the first wedding we attended together. The wedding was perfect. Traditional. Expensive. The works. Lots of flowers. Lots of food. Lots of guests. He was handsome. She was divine. And people cried when they said their I do's as well as when she and her father had the father- daughter dance. I wore a beautiful rented honeysuckle gown and you wore my father's barong tagalog. We were quite a pair that the priest even acknowledged that we may be the next couple to tie the knot. Talk about pressure. I could positively see you sweat and your hair stand on end at what he said. I just blushed really hard and waved it off saying, that's not happening anytime soon. But this induced many teasings from my friends at the reception. After my friend and her groom said their I do's the priest bent down his head and whispered secret words to them. I wonder what he's telling them, you said to me. Maybe someday we'll find out, I replied. And you laughed. At the reception, they showed several videos, one was pictures of them growing up, another was their prenup photoshoot and the finale was the video of the entire wedding, music- video style. It was a perfect. They made a beautiful couple. I was certain that they will have their happily ever after. As all girls wish for it once they've found their real- life prince. I looked at you, and wondered when you would ask me for real. Or would you even ask, given that I've already accepted all your informal proposals since seven years ago? I told you that I desired a simple church wedding... but will not compromise on the gown, pictures and video as mementos. And that was fine with you. You said you wanted to be married here, close to family and friends. And that was fine with me. I wonder how many times we have talked about our somedays as neither of us was in a hurry. The wedding we've attended certainly reminded us how time flew. It was wonderful to be reminded to stop and dream together once again. 

  

Of Ends and Beginnings

200.

Of ends.

The past few years I have had to say goodbye to a lot of things. To a lot of people. To things I've gotten used to. To familiarity. To my first hospital where I started to become who I was meant to be, where I learned to stretch out my wings and take that very first step outside my comfort zone. But it was not meant to be. I got one year there then I had to leave... whereas you got to stay. Ironic, when I was the one who helped apply in the first place. You've stayed there for more than 2 years now. It wasn't fair. Life rarely is fair. I finished my masteral degree, but was still jobless and hopeless. I saw you during your free time and sometimes when we had gym sessions together and that made me happier. You gave me my purple qwerty phone as a consolation gift so I could text you when I went job hunting in manila since my old phone was dead. You couldn't have been more supportive. I was gone more than a month. It was a fruitless effort though since all those agencies I've applied for wanted to send me off to obscure clinics in Saudi or wanted to fake my paperwork, things my good moral sense could never take. Another dead end. I was really at my lowest, and no amount of pep talk from you could shake that dark cloud over my head. It's true what they say, when you're at your lowest, you are open to the most change. I prayed for a job. Any job that is even a little related to healthcare. I needed the money. More than that I needed to preserve my self- worth. I wanted to start living. 

Of beginnings. 

One month after I applied, I got that fateful call to appear for an interview in Iloilo for a job at our national health insurance corporation. I was ecstatic. I called you and you were equally excited. I told my family and they were so happy for me too. In no time at all, I got in. I was one of the lucky 23 chosen for the whole region. Of more than  20,000 applicants, only 500 were taken in. I thanked my lucky stars for that. It was a whole new ball game and it wasn't even in my own field. Suddenly I had it all again. It was a job that required me to help people, talk to them, travel around the island, and help sort out the muddy health financing system of our country. I was well- paid and happy. I had new friends. I was able to contribute to the needs of my family. I had you. I shone. Apparently, I shone too much that the chief of hospital of one of the hospitals I was assigned too, invited me to apply to his hospital as a nurse. And I did, though I did not hope that I would be accepted from the thousand other applicants who already have had experience in their hospital. After only a month, I got another fateful call. In spite of being happy at my job, I missed being a nurse. And when you pressured me into coming back into my field, I remember how irritated I was that I snapped at you. You were only trying to help. I am sorry about that. Suddenly I found myself at a crossroads. To leave or to stay? Leave for a hard job that paid little, a one year contract only, but will be better in the long term? Or stay at an easy job that I shone in but had little room for advancement? I asked my father for advice that he gave willingly and I followed it though it was painful. I had to say goodbye to everything once again when I got accepted into this new hospital. I may have hurt others for my decisions but these were for my own good. I was forgetting how I loved my real profession. No matter what, you told me, you will always be mine and I will love you no matter what you do with your life. Choose what will make you happy, you said. And I did. And stepping into this new phase of my life was like stepping into old shoes, retracing my old steps and conquering a challenge. It was tiring but I felt it in my bones that I was exactly where I was meant to be. Beginning again. And you were with me every step of the way, with an open hand, advice and a loving embrace.    

Love Song

199. Our 7th anniversary last July 28, 2012 was quite a memorable one indeed. We had our annual picturetaking, a fantastic dinner at Mely's Garden, gift-giving at Felicia's, heartwarming letter- reading(remember my funny letter that resembled nurses' notes?) and lastly- my serenade to you. I had been wanting to show you in an extra special way that I loved and adored you but no matter how much I thought about getting you a gift, my  ideas which involved material things seemed to pale. And so I came up with 3 gifts instead- a wallet, a special tumbler and a song. It took me only 2 days to compose  the music and lyrics for that song since I was especially inspired. A friend helped me get started with the tune and my brother, I commend, for teaching me the guitar pro6 program to help me transpose the keys from my piano to the computer. It was challenging but everything was ready by the time our anniversary came. I designed the tumbler myself as well, using our picture and lyrics. I couldn't wait to see the look on your face. It was challenging to keep my mouth shut during the entire week. I was a bad liar. 

When the day came at last, I wowed you with my little black dress. Lovers that we were, we could hardly take our eyes and hands off each other especially that day. I was happy that I could still have that effect on you after all these years. When we had our picturetaking at our usual studio even though we were so unprepared, the pictures still came out great especially our twilight-horror shot which was in a word- breathtaking. We could have been really in showbiz. Then you, since you asked me to choose a gift(to make sure I liked it), took me to a shop, and I happily picked out a bag. After our dinner, we went to Felicia's and settled in at a booth in the very back. The place was thankfully empty except for us. When we exchanged gifts (the bag and the wallet), you already seemed pleased. Then I remember asking you if you liked my gift. You replied that you loved it, especially since your old wallet was tearing apart. Then I whispered to you that I was so happy you loved it because now came part 2 and part 3 of my gifts. You looked confused. Then I played my mp3 accompaniment on my cell phone and beautiful music filled the air as I started to sing my song: 

Love Song

I close my eyes and see

that first day that we met

that day you fell in a dream

and I was finally awake

Under a kind of spell

since that kiss you stole from me

can't you tell that I've been waiting

for someone to love me for me

Chorus 1

Your love is all I need

To get through today

tell the world

that I'll fight for you

Coz I will, come what may

So sing with me this love song

that would never be over

Coz you will always be the one

say you'll be mine

say you'll be mine

forever 

Seven years have passed since then

And our love grew ever stronger

Now we worry for grown up things

But with you, it could only get better

You still kiss me like the day

you let me take off your armor

And when you hold me in your arms

Wish we'd stay this way forever

Chorus 2

Your love is all I need

To get through everyday

Tell the world

that I'll fight for you

Coz I will, come what may

So I'll sing with you this love song

that would never be over

Coz you will always be the one

Say you'll be mine

Say you'll be mine

Coz I will be yours

I will be yours

Forever

Do I even need to say that I made you the happiest person in the world that day? Though you were a bit shocked. And I felt in my heart that our love could only grow more and more stronger. I tried to keep the tears from falling but I couldn't. I gave you the tumbler with the lyrics so that you would always remember how cherished you are especially within my heart. As the room filled with people, we whispered our I love you's to each other, oblivious to them, wrapped up in our own world. I will love you forever. Happy anniversary my love.    

  

 

Fight For You

198. Imagine a lady standing in the middle of a pool of flames, desperate for a way to safely escape the danger beset upon her. When all hope seems lost, a knight in shining armor astride a magnificent steed breaks through the flickering pyre and rescues the helpless lady. She is grateful for the greatest gift of a second chance at life given to her by this handsome and courageous stranger, a stranger she repays with a kiss and a promise- that her heart will be his alone. Then comes happily ever after. Reality hits. I am not this lady. And you are not this knight. We're just two ordinary people, not characters out of a fairy tale; with far more ordinary lives and flaws sometimes too many to count. You've had your heart broken even by me and somehow have pieced it together like a jigsaw puzzle. You're never there the moments I need the most rescuing, making me wonder if I attract these seemingly bad elements naturally. And I am left to fend for myself at times. These moments challenge us. They make us grit our teeth and wonder if this is really worth it  in the end. They taunt us and call us names, calling out to us... are you willing to fight for this? Whatever 'this' is still highly changeable no matter how good the outlook and bright the horizon. A risk. A dare. The very word life has an 'if' right at the center of it. Our world doesn't revolve around us, and can so easily break apart at the mere snap of unseen fingers just as easily as it has fallen into place for us. And again comes the question, in spite of everything, are you willing to go on and tell the world with the greatest confidence, that you knew I would fight for you? Some nights I wish our lives were easier, that I knew what went on inside your head and you'd know what's really inside my heart. Face it, words can be empty and can potentially form terrible lies. But do you know what's truly amazing though? It's not how long we've lasted together, nor our undeniable chemistry. It's our complete willingness to be led and to lead. To hurt and be hurt. To fight until the center of our chests tighten and our hearts feel like they could explode and we are out of breath. And although I face some of my battles alone, wearing my own kind of armor, that at the end of the day, I can simply run into the safety of your arms and all is right with the world. And you have that special trait that allows you to show your vulnerability to me without the least sense of insecurity. Two people just loving each other the the best way they know how. Breathless and dizzy and giddy for the next chapters in their story. Yes, we are ordinary people but our love is indeed something extraordinary. Something real. Something to fight for. To die for. I would die for you any day. Any day  at all. 

The Letter

197. It' been a long time since I've posted here for you my dear since we've both been leading busy lives as of late. It's very hard to find more time for us yet a necessary sacrifice for our future and it will make our reunions all the more sweeter after all. So for now I'll just post here the letter I gave you on our anniversary last year. I recently read it as I was contemplating the letter I would be writing for our 7th anniversary next month. It's amazing how we've come so far in just a year. Just a blink of an eye I can't believe it...

7/28/11

Dearest S,                                                                                                                                        

Happy 6^th Anniversary! It’s truly an amazing feat to be with you for this long. Sometimes it feels longer than that and sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday that we met at La Salle and I hit you with my book as you stole my precious first kiss. Just the same, I think you’re the greatest gift and blessing given to me in this life. If I can help it, I won’t write such a long letter to you since this card’s given message is already quite long, though extremely beautiful and appropriate.  I didn’t have a hard time picking it because it was quite accurate in the depiction of my feelings for you. 

I want to thank you for being in my life. You’ve been the greatest truest friend to me these past years, especially these past few weeks wherein I’ve felt really down and crazy. When I needed you, you were simply there for me and I couldn’t ask for more. When I feel that I am continuously sinking or lost or falling, I always question myself why oh why do you keep helping me? Even when I push you away by testing your patience. Why are you still here? Why do you stay? You tell me it’s because you love me.  What on earth could have I possibly done to deserve such a man? Such an amazing, loving, caring, selfless, intelligent, generous,  beautiful man such as you. That is why it killed me when I hurt you in more ways than one. I am so very sorry for those times.  Thank you for staying. I will continue to endeavor to deserve your love because I am so committed to you and this relationship.  There is nothing in the world I want more than to spend the rest of my life with you till we’re old and gray.

Lot’s of changes occurred in the past year. You, with a lot of luck, attained a good job with decent pay and was able to start doing all those things you couldn’t before- like helping with your family financially, delving into business, attaining a leadership status at work, being looked up to and depended upon and many others. As I watched you grow professionally, I admit I was so very proud because you were moving forward in spite of your challenges…but here I was, remaining the same old me. There were times I felt like I’m getting left behind once again and it’s not a very nice feeling.  More than once I’ve cried in your arms because of my insecurities and I’m sorry for that. Thank you for being so kind to me and endlessly patient when I become such a crybaby.  You wipe my tears away and somehow know exactly what to say. I love how you always manage to make me laugh. You’re like the sun to me. No, you’re even brighter than the sun.  I could never live without you. I wouldn’t survive.

I know that there will be changes coming in the near future. We’ll most probably be parted from each other and go into a long-distance relationship. My love, if I don’t take the opportunities coming my way, there may never be for me again you see. I agree it’s bold. But I know I have a lot on the line and many people are depending on me that I don’t want to let down. No mater how innocent or unprepared or frightened I am. It just doesn’t matter.  I have to move forward too.  I don’t want to leave you Stan. But I have to. So I can be with you and make my life with you in the future. I know you understand that mentally though I feel your heart screaming at me to stay. You’re being kind by trying to hide that fact from me. But the truth is that I feel it to even when you don’t say it. I see it in your eyes. And I know you see it in mine. When the day comes that I have to leave, I don’t think I have the strength to look back at you. I may end up just staying.  Building my life around you has made me afraid of change. So I cannot and will not look back. Just wish me well. With you in my heart, how could I ever be lost? We aren’t truly apart.

So… I want to say on this special day of ours; because it may be probably the last anniversary we ever have. I love you. For the first time you stole my kiss. I love you. For the first time you won my heart. I love you. For all those times, I’ve hurt you in the past. I love you. For this moment as I look in your eyes, shining with all the love I can show. I love you. For all those times I will miss. I love you. For all the loneliness you will feel when I am gone. I love you. For always and always. I love you. And when we meet again I shall tell you face to face as many times as you want once again.  I love you. Happy Anniversary. 

Lots of love, hugs and kisses, M

Safe Harbor

196. When I look at you I see a miracle. This perfect person who was made to complement my every being. Truly, there is nothing more satisfying and being in your arms and feeling the two halves of our hearts made whole. I don't expect our relationship to be perfect but I do continue to hope for the best for all the aspects of our lives to fall into place. I know there will be trials ahead, there always are. I am secured by the knowledge that you will be my safe harbor and I shall be yours. When you shall someday cross oceans without me, you'll carry with you that knowledge. I wonder about those in long distance relationships; how they've stayed good and strong and loyal through all the years in spite of being apart. I guess I'll find that out myself when that time comes and I have this feeling that it will be coming soon. God always has uncanny timing with his blessings. I believe that now more than ever. But I'd like you to know that wherever life takes us that I shall never love another person the way that I love you. No matter the storms nor gales that threaten us, we shall return to each other safe and sound. And that will be one miracle I cannot wait to experience. To feel that even though you are not within my sight nor reach, that when I close my eyes, we are still together. This life, in all it's ups and downs, I will never get enough of as long as I'm with you.

Someday

195. There was once a time wherein we played this "Someday" game. It was after one of our regular dates then persisted long throughout the night through text. This was not really a game, for there were no rules and we just made it up on the spot however, we enjoyed it immensely and we learned so much about each other and affirmed many commonalities and differences we had. Most of all shared what we wanted out of our lives. We are young. We are hopeful. We still dream and hope to forever. Someday I shall wake up with you beside me and be absolutely at peace. Someday we shall have our own home. Someday we shall travel and see the world with new eyes. Someday we will get lost together. Someday we shall have children. Someday I shall rude a horse once more. Someday I shall find a job that will make me feel fulfilled. Someday I shall provide well for my family. Someday I shall not worry about money. Someday I shall wear a white dress and say my I do's with the man that was meant for me. Someday we shall kiss torridly in public. Someday I shall find happiness. Someday I shall help others fulfill their dreams. Someday we shall make passionate love, as slow or as fast and in all ways, without worrying about the consequences. Someday I shall stand on my own two feet. Someday I shall have a room that I can call my own. Someday I shall always be inspired. Someday I shall be strong. Someday I shall learn how to cook like a pro. Someday I shall be a great nurse. Someday we shall be more daring and risk-taking. Someday I shall be successful. Someday I shall be powerful. Someday I shall save many lives. Someday I shall be a good leader. Someday I shall lose control. Someday I shall teach my child how to play the piano. Someday I shall teach my child how to play basketball and volleyball. Someday I shall learn a new sport. Someday we shall make love on a deserted beach. Someday I shall finish my novel. Someday we shall eat breakfast in bed together. Someday I shall be well-known for something good I've done. Someday I shall have a Siberian husky. Someday I shall make my parents proud. Someday I shall have a formal romantic date at an expensive restaurant with you. Someday I shall kiss you good night and tuck you in. Someday I shall sleep beside you and wake up with you beside me. Someday all my dreams will come true. Someday all your dreams will come true. Someday all our dreams will come true. Someday there will no more be somedays because they will be all be real. I believe they will eventually someday, with you by my side.  

My Novel

194. I sometimes asked myself why I've never continued writing my novel- the one I've started writing since  my high school years. I poured my heart and soul into those two hundred or so pages of pure fantasy about a goddess thrown out of heaven, inspired by my dreams and internal wishes. Writer's block or what not, I just suddenly felt no desire to continue writing. Fiction, no matter how beautiful or exciting, paled in comparison to reality the moment I entered the next chapter in my life- college and... you. When I read my work with the new older critical eyes, the perfectionist side of me saw scribbles made by a child who had no direction in her life. The story itself was a mess. It lacked fluidity, grace, focus and character development. There were also some good points- the storyline was quite interesting, and the world was intensely creative but it wasn't enough. I rewrote twenty pages before putting down the pen. Taking a deep breath, I told myself I had to start anew. But not today. I had so many things to do in my life yet. So many things I've yet to experience and develop within myself first before I could complete this book. I was still a girl waiting for her adventure to start. I then realized that that was what exactly I had to do. I had to wait and live. The girl with the red hair and violet eyes had to grow up first. She had to die so she could start a new life. And she had to fall in order to be free. To learn the real meaning of love, sacrifice and family. And lastly, love a man she would have never dreamed of possibly loving in a million lifetimes. To live would be the greatest adventure. I shall write my novel seriously again one day. Someday. Until completion. I hope that you would read it then.    

How Long?

193. People frequently ask me about how long we've been together. When I tell them six years, they have varied and frankly surprising reactions. Some are happy for us and think that our blissful monogamous relationship is undoubtedly blessed because of its longevity. They encourage us to keep our love strong. Others continually prod me as to the reason why we haven't tied the knot yet, seemingly impatient to be invited to our wedding. I laugh at how they corner me into inviting them to our imaginary nuptials sometime into our imaginary future. And the least favorite reactions are that of skepticism, superstition and that of negativity. 'Six years is a long time. Too long.'. 'Tie the knot soon, don't let it get to seven years or else you won't be together.' 'It's bad luck to be in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship longer than 7 years.' 'You're young. If it doesn't work out there's lots of time so just take it slow.' 'I know couples breaking up on their 7th year.' 'Six years already? You might get bored of him soon so get married quickly.' I just cringe at all of them. I don't need their unsolicited advice that borders on the insulting. At times, these kinds of reactions just makes my blood boil. I believe that they have no right to butt into other people's business. What do they know about our relationship? Nothing. They only see the surface of us as a couple. They don't see all the challenges we've had to overcome. All the heartache we've endured. All the love, time and effort and self- sacrifice we've given to each other. All the memories, good and bad and seemingly ordinary, that we've shared. If they gave advice it should have been that of concern, encouragement and love. Not meant to strike fear. Not meant to incite anger. Not meant to warn. Not meant to show apparent jealousy. Not meant to pressure. Not meant to insult. If they have nothing good to say about us then they should have just kept their mouths shut and their opinions to themselves. I don't know when exactly we are getting married. I don't know if we're going to end up with each other forever even with all the love we have. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. All I know is about today. Today, I love you with all of my heart, with all of my soul, and with all of my mind. Today, I am happy with you and I do hope you are happy with me too. Today, I am here with you to dream with you, to laugh and cry with you, and to love you through all the ways I know how. I can only hope for the best for tomorrow. For our tomorrow.  'How long we've been together' is not what they should have asked me. Instead, they should have asked, 'what has kept you together all this time'. It is a simple answer. Love. And love doesn't have an expiration date.    

Puppies Galore

192. When my dog, Bella, got impregnated by the black dog that went inside our gate my initial reaction was that of shock. My first dog, our baby practically, was going to be a mother. She was only two years old although in human years that meant she was already between 14-21 years old. We already had two dogs, Bella who was a black spitz-like mixed breed and Kloe, who was a daschund-dalmatian cutie. I couldn't imagine having even more dogs since they were already a handful. Through the next few months I monitored her pregnancy, perhaps like I would a real human being. I listened for heartbeats using a stethoscope though I couldn't be certain exactly as to how many sets there were. I read about dog pregnancy in the internet and even started preparing a space for her at the house. Too bad the puppies took me by surprise anyway so I wasn't able to witness nor assist in their delivery no matter how much it would have fascinated me. It was around 10pm that I lay down on my bed to sleep. As I was starting to doze, I heard small whimpers coming from underneath. My eyes immediately flew open and I turned on the lights and looked under my bed. Bella was there, with four adorable black, wrinkly puppies. I shrieked and called my mother to come look. It was a bloody mess under my bed, my dog had used a part of my comforter as her birthing area. My father warned that Bella may be aggressive if we attempt to touch the puppies so we first lured her out of the room using food and water. We then examined the the tiny puppies one by one and discovered that one was a still born. I attempted chest compression but it was useless. Poor little puppy. We covered him up and buried him the next day. We didn't show my dog her dead puppy because we thought it would only upset her. We placed the rest of the healthy puppies, two boys and a girl, into the box that I prepared for them which was lined with towels. We then let Bella rejoin them. I then phoned you and practically shouted in your ear about what happened. You said you couldn't wait to see them, it was like we were grandparents we joked. Over the next weeks, she searched for the dead puppy that we had buried. It was heartbreaking to see her whimper and scratch around the spot she had given birth in and kept on searching my room. Maybe we should have let her spent more time with her dead little one so she would understand that he was gone. At least she had her other healthy puppies to care for. It was amazing to see her breastfeed for the first time, lick them clean and equally revolting to see her eat her puppies' yellowish poo. So instinctive. Life is amazing. My family first thought of giving away the puppies but attachment grew so we were unable to. And now our house is full of dogs. Their maintenance is expensive but we love them all. Well, at least we would never have problems with neighborhood thieves.  

A Memorable Valentines

191. Time has flown by so fast and now we find ourselves facing another valentines day. Our 6th one in fact. Since the fist time we've celebrated this day dedicated to lovers, I've seen and experienced the many ways love is expressed. Through roses, love songs, letters, dates and kisses. Everywhere, shops put up decorations on their windows of red hearts, arrows, cupids and couples kissing. On the way to the office, I saw several boys, lining up at the entrance of my old all-girl alma mater with roses and chocolates. The girls that would be receiving the attention would incite admiration and envy in their own sex. I remembered even sending myself a gift just to not feel out of place, labeling the gift from a secret admirer. But you know what? Love isn't just shown through those material things accompanied by sweet nothings. I suddenly remember from religion class that there are actually many different kinds of love. Love for god. Love for family. Love for comrades. The romantic kind. And lastly, the lusty kind. I believe that we all have felt these kinds of love at some point in our lives. If not all than most of them. When I woke up that valentines day, the first thing I did was to thank God for today, for my family and for you. Even though my mother was a bit flighty because she wanted to go to the office earlier than usual, leaving me no time for brainstorming gift options for you, she did patiently help me with my wardrobe that day. She knew I had a date with you and even joked with me. I didn't expect this day to be completely magical as I'd hoped, but I appreciated that everything that happened that day went absolutely right. I didn't prepare a gift for you because although I racked my brain about gift ideas, I came up empty. To ease my dilemma you told me to buy something useful to you- thus the boxers. I seem to be giving you boxers as gifts more often. I wonder what that means. That day, I was just waiting for you at the office, chatting with a co-worker who undeniably had a crush on me but was absolutely not my type, when the radio suddenly played our song "how did you know." When I heard it, I felt my heart squeeze in my chest, like the old days, I had the feeling that you would be arriving at any moment so I stood up in my seat and my intuition couldn't have been more spot on for I saw you alighting from the jeepney. Our office security guard, upon seeing you, opened our doors and you walked toward me, your arms filled with the most beautiful roses and a breathtaking giant handwritten letter. Co- workers cheered. I gushed and we kissed as I received your gifts. Truthfully, I hadn't expected flowers at all, much less the giant handwritten card. I was pleasantly surprised and deeply touched that you made that card, even with all the grammar challenges and the tiny font filling the entire two foot page. The meaning behind those words washed over my heart like a hot wave upon the shore, an affirmation and declaration of love and appreciation. No one else could have gone to great lengths to confidently display their affection in public, if it wasn't true and good. And your love is exactly that. But even without all that thoughtful flourish, I would have still known you loved me and would have been content just being with you for the day. We ate at a great Chinese restaurant that we recently discovered at the Terra Dolce building and since our giant piece chess game didn't push through, we went back home to drop off the gifts and do some picture taking to commemorate the day before we continued our valentine date. As we went to the mall, with raised eyebrows we observed the many people we encountered. Some were in peaceful bliss like ourselves, others were fighting, crying, some were still eagerly searching for the perfect gift, and some girls went about carrying their roses like proud trophies, still, others were alone. Young and old, it seemed everyone was at the mall that time getting into the lovey- dovey spirit of the season. We encountered a classmate and waited with her as she waited for her other girlfriends for a single's date. It was good to catch up with her. We browsed cellular phones and bought my gift for you at the department store and drank your favorite mango shake from zagu. That was actually your second mango shake of the day since your first green mango shake was from the Chinese restaurant. We watched for a short time the free mall concert that was being given before you finally accompanied me home. We cuddled for a bit at the sofa, watching television, and I gave u a relaxing whole back and arm massage using some special aromatherapy oil. It was sweet and romantic. When we kissed and said our eventual goodbyes, we reflected on what a perfect day we had. It was definitely a valentines day I will remember for the rest of my life. 

Worst Eating Experience Ever

190. Do you remember our date at this restaurant? Of course you do since you wasted so much money here. Not for great food, unfortunately. Prior to our horrid experience there, we were clueless. There was a buzz going around that this new restaurant in town, famed for their blueberry pancakes and other arrays of comfort food, had opened and we just had to try it even once. Our curiosity led us to the worst eating experience of our lives. When we arrived there, the waiters and waitresses gave a very good first impression on us because they were so polite, well-mannered and good looking. However, first impressions don't last. The potato salad side dish that I ordered tasted horribly rancid as if it had gone bad. They had to replace it with something else- pasta. Pasta side dish to go with pasta main dish. Their pasta was a tad overcooked yet tasted good but their portions were disappointing considering the price. Their blueberry pancakes were only a quarter blueberry. The rest was just pancake. One had to drenched it in syrup to get any blueberry in them. It was nothing special. One could easily get more value for money by just buying the easy-to-cook version in the supermarkets. Their expensive coffee tasted just ordinary. The chicken dish that we ordered was overly seasoned with aromatics and left a dreadful taste in our mouths afterward. Indeed, once you get past the sleek, modern and orangey exterior, there was nothing else much to that blasted restaurant. We certainly would never eat at this place again nor endorse this place to our friends. I'd prefer any fast food burger joint than this place ever again. As I pass by this restaurant, I can observe that their customers are starting to dwindle. I guess we're not the only disappointed ones. There are a ton of great restaurants in our city so if they don't shape up soon they will have to pack up and take their pancakes with them. 

Soul mates

189. The idea of soul mates instantly triggers a spark of interest in me. What is a soul mate? A quick search on the internet reveals so many inconclusive things- beliefs that border on the absurd and the intensely romantic notions of two separate halves to be united. That the very purpose of life is to find "the one" is something to be questioned. Who is "the one" who is your "soul mate"? Some people believe that the person whom they are currently with romantically is "the one", even after all the failed relationships they've undergone. Even after all the "the ones" turned out to be "wrong ones" they continue to believe in that notion. We used to be four-legged creatures split into two by the old gods, fearing our power as whole human beings. Some beliefs regard soul mates as one soul, split into two, destined to search for each other in each reincarnation of their lives. Only then, after finding the other, will they return to God. Another theory is that we were all married in heaven by God, and after being born here on earth, we find the one God meant for us. Of all these theories I like the last one best because it would mean that there is someone for each of us, all we have to do is find them. I believe that we, as human beings, were never meant to be alone. If our God is love then He has always meant us to experience that love in our fellow human beings. A life partner is one of the best ways to fill that longing that has been engraved deep into our souls, whether we recognize it or not. To love and be loved is the greatest thing in all of the universe. It is important to recognize our soul mate when he or she comes along but what is the most important is making yourself into the best person you can be, the you that God meant for you to be, and the you your partner deserves. If you focus on being "the one" then "the one" will just come along naturally that's what I believe. Like flowers and bees. I met my soul mate in my dreams and I met him in real life. The one I was waiting for. I found him in you. I must be so lucky to find you so soon in this life. You have made my life more meaningful in so many ways. I cannot thank you enough. Although we may occasionally drive each other insane. I cannot love you enough, my soul mate. I will love you forever.