The Chess game

106. Like it or not, we are both competitive individuals. We don't like to lose, probably one of the reasons why we fought so much in the beginning. One time, you, me and a friend were staying over at my house to complete a project. Once, more or less, that project was finished we decided to have snacks and play a few games. I invited you to play chess. It was a long game, and enjoyable too until you got around to teasing and taunting me when it was apparent I was losing. You didn't mean it of course, but then, I didn't take it so well. It was as if with every move I made wrong, you threw little fireballs into my brain, until I couldn't bear it no more that I exploded with anger. With only a few moves left, I swept aside the chess pieces and packed them up, openly glaring at you. You told me that it was my fault I lost since I dared played a game with you. I retorted that I wouldn't have minded losing if you hadn't teased me to the brim and made me look like a sourpuss in front of our other friend. You shook your head and told me I was just a sore loser. And I guess that I was, since my tarnished pride got the best of it. I don't know why but I find losing to you quite annoying especially if you paraded the fact in front of me. Friends do that sort of thing too, being competitive. I believe that a little competition is healthy in relationships but not to the point wherein we put our relationship on the line just for the pleasure of winning. There's always a limit to everything.

Almost Caught

105. It's common knowledge how parents freak out when they find their children have grown up and have relationships of their own. No longer little but not full-fledged adults as of yet that is why they become so protective and try to have those little awkward talks, trying to be a beacon of guidance for teenagers. Well, that's how it was for me, maybe not for you. My mother wasn't so surprised to find me in a relationship already but she would probably faint if she caught us even so much as kissing. Not that we've gone all the way as of yet. Remember that close call when we were in one of the rooms at my house making out? She had arrived and had gone to her room straight away and I had heard her moving in that room. You quickly hid under the covers while I slipped out of the room  and went downstairs. When she had opened the door to that room, she found you, half- asleep and looking sick and asked what you were doing there. You told her you felt ill and had an awful headache and that I let you rest there since the room was unused. When she asked where I was, you told her I went downstairs to buy something at the store. And that exact timing, I went up and greeted her. She bought it and suspected nothing. Half-paniking, half- laughing we went through the day acting as normal around my family as we could and when we were finally alone we finally let out a roar of laughter in each others arms. There were a few other close calls I could compare to this but still, I find this to be the most memorable. It doesn't really matter so much now because we're older and have fully managed to control our urges but the excitement of getting caught still gets me.

Puppy Love

104. In all my years, I've never had my own dog before. I don't really count the German Shepherd that bit you in the butt since he technically belonged to my father. That is why I was so very happy that when my mother's friend's found out about how we were looking for a dog, she offered to give us one of the puppies of her dog. I had just gotten home from school and there in a box was the cutest, furriest black little face you've ever seen. I named her Bella, after the twilight girl for no other reason but that I thought she was beautiful though she was only a mixed breed. She couldn't see or walk well but she was such a noisy little thing with her adorable squeeks. When I showed her to you thought she was a boy. But you checked and was surprised to find that he was actually a she. You agreed that she was a beauty but your face twisted into a grimace when you observed that she had so many ticks and fleas. I didn't even notice them but when I came for a closer inspection I was truly grossed out by the crawling vampires sucking the life out of my new puppy. You told me not to worry about her and began to remove the ticks one by one and killing them using a stone in the garden. Of course I couldn't get them all on that day. The worst part was on her paws and ears. It was actually several weeks that I could claim that she was mostly tick- free thanks to a doggie shampoo. That first night I kept her in the living room in her box but some family members couldn't sleep due to her whining so I was forced to keep her in my room. I woke up many times just to pacify her. Feeding her too was a challenge since she didn't like the dropper, so I let her lick from my fingers until she got used to licking from a bowl. I remember fondly how we liked to tickle the special spot on her stomach, which caused her leg to furiously kick in response. It was hilarious and we loved her. Somehow it was like I was the mother and you were the father because we cared so much for this living creature. Her favorite spot in the entire house would be the bathroom because she liked how the tiles were cool. Tailwagging she would emerge there excitedly when we arrived home from school and jump on us. The joys of having a pet. She would be joined by another puppy a year leater a half-breed of Daschund and Dalmatian. Another joy to have around. When we talk about our future, there would always be pets in it, a Siberian Husky for you while I'm contended with a smaller sized dog. Just imagine, a nice home filled with laughter and barking. Doesn't that give you a fuzzy feeling inside? That's just what puppy love is about.

Palabok Memories

103. Time for another entry dedicated to food! One word. Palabok. Delicious bihon noodles smothered in scrumptious bright orange shrimp sauce and heavenly toppings. It's one of my favorite foods ever in spite of the fact that I am deathly allergic to shrimp. I just take some anti-allergy medications before submitting myself to temptation especially since your grandmother makes the best palabok I've ever had the pleasure to taste. I must say that I'm thankful to you for inviting me to some of your family events. I cannot put my finger as to what exactly made it so special. I admire your family because all of you are such good cooks. Before my grandmother had a stroke she was the greatest cook  in our family and her specialty was the caldereta and ironically, that's one of the only few dishes I know. We just seemed to have more quality food in those days than the fare we have now due to the lack of talented cooks and limited budget for experimenting. That's what I like about being at your house, so many people there are such good cooks. I know we've had days wherein we've experimented with cooking but somehow nothing compares to have someone doing the actual teaching while cooking. Someday I will have to ask your grandmother for her recipe and have you cook it with me. 

The First Christmas

102. It was strange that I had my first very lonely Christmas. In spite of the food, family and gifts, somehow I just felt incomplete. And I've never had a less exuberant celebration before. So this is what is meant by a blue Christmas. Along with the usual cliches of 'food just loses it's taste', 'colors just seem so dull', is my very own 'I wish one of the boxes of gifts contained you'. How great would that be to have you pop out to give me a kiss? I swear, at Christmas break, my lips got so dry from missing you. Thank God for text messaging then. Then at midnight, you called me from the landline of your grandmother's house and greeted me. My ears practically burned from holding the phone too close just to hear your voice. I didn't want to put down the phone since it was actually the first time you called in this manner. As they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. I guess that holds true for our relationship especially on holidays without you. Your family doesn't make a big celebration out of Christmas unlike my own wherein all members of the family strive to come home and our house becomes somewhat noisy. I recall that you've even said that you rarely celebrate or have gift-giving since you reserve all that festivity for New Year. I guess it is practical but I've never known a Christmas without gifts before. There always were, no matter how simple it was. It dawned on me then that I didn't care to receive gifts or not. What mattered was that we were together as a family and that I had your love. Nothing was more important than that. I may not have everything I wanted, but I did have what I needed. And that was love. And that kind of commodity is priceless.    

Mothers

101. Mothers, by nature, are nurturing, caring and protective creatures but does it hold true for all? This kind of thinking leads me to think if I'll be any good as a mother. Certainly, I've had a great rolemodel in my own. In fact, there is no other woman whom I admire more though she could do with more cooking and organizing skills. But it's alright because she does everything out of love. And she's an expert juggler at responsibilities. And there's no greater lesson I've learned from her than self- sacrifice. Your mother is also a branch from the same tree. There's no one I know who's as loving and as involved in her own children's lives. I know it must not have been so easy raising four boys but she's made it all work out and she's very kind to me too. There's somehow a great hesitation in me, owing to the fact that I am far too young and unprepared to have children of my own. I have pet dogs whom I love as my own children but that is far different. In my opinion, one cannot compare the feeling one has of holding the fruit of their own loins, in one's arms for the first time. Perhaps it's all the bodily chemicals just acting up. In any case, you love your children and will do anything for them and will do anything to keep them safe and provided for. That's simply how parents are. I had a dream once that we had two children. One boy and one girl, and I felt enormously contented as the home we had set out to make was complete. Strange as it was, everything just fellinto place. Maybe I shouldn't worry so much about being a good mother, there's no reason I shouldnt be after all. And I always have dependable you to lean on. Not to mention two very experienced mothers to give advice on both sides. In addition to that, we are both nurses so caring for children should be second nature to us by then. I have to say though that it's far to early for me to even thinking this way but it's good to be prepared. 

The Ring

100. It's the 100th entry already and it seems like only yesterday that I've started this blog. There were little delays due to technical and connection problems and the very lack of inspiration that I am battling every day. Sometimes digging in my brain cells is challenging so I've reserved this special entry in advance for the time I gave you a very special surprise. When my father just out of the blue gave me some money to spend to whatever I fancied, I opted with all my heart to buy you a special ring, my 'engagement' ring to you, the very same you've been wearing up to now. It frustrated me that for all the love, joys and companionship you've given me and the opal ring you've given, I had not given you anything in return to show you how much I loved you back. It may have been impulsive of me, but I felt dead set on getting you an expensive ring to show you just how much you mean to me. I am serious about you and there is nothing more serious than a silver ring, studded with zirconiums in an elegant but sturdy design somehow akin to an infinity symbol especially when paired. And although sometimes I tell you that it is unfair that you are so experienced with relationships, I find it comforting that I've chosen the right person the first time around. It saved a lot of heartbreak. This much I know is true, commitment has many forms and as young as I was then, I knew it would take more than a ring to show it. After I bought the ring, I kept looking at it in anticipation inside its little light blue box. I smiled as I went over and over in my head how to give it to you. As the sun was setting one afternoon after our classes were over for the day, I talked you into coming to the school chapel with me to pray. After we prayed, we sat quietly together and I pulled out the letter that I printed out the night before and gave it for you to read. I wanted to be sure that you understood me properly, and I couldn't let my being too emotional get in the way thus the typed letter. After you read it, our eyes locked and I saw tears in your eyes and I couldn't help but let my own be filled. 'I love you', I said and pulled out the box and asked you to marry me. 'Of course I will', you replied. I inserted the ring into your finger and it fit perfectly to my relief. 'So this is what you were up to, the past few days. I was waiting for a surprise.' you whispered lovingly as you enveloped me in an embrace.'Really, you shouldn't have. I already know how much you love me.' Then suddenly your face fell as you let me go. 'It must have been expensive. How much did it cost?'  I chuckled and told you that I wasn't telling you no matter how much you pleaded. It was just like you to break the moment by asking for the cost of things. How typically Capricorn. Although you protested by saying that this ring made the opal ring you gave me pale in comparison, I convinced you that it didn't matter and that the important thing was that you now had a constant reminder of my love for you. You'll never be alone. No matter how awful things between us could get, this is a physical testament of love that binds us far greater than anything can. We held hands as we walked out of the chapel, our hearts aflame and rings intact, closer than ever, knowing that we're part of a grander plan that someday, somehow will find fulfillment. We couldn't have been happier. The princess has found her prince. 

Fainting Spells

99. I don't know why I had fainting spells before when I was younger. They just happened usually in the middle of masses and in other embarrassing places. My doctor told me it was because according to my bloodwork that I was slightly anemic and perhaps ate too little. Perhaps it was because prior to entering college, I entered a self-made diet plan that involved eating less rice than I was used to and more water. But anyway, I'd like to talk about the time that I faked my syncope. It was during a red cross training and was because the trainer talked me into it. For the last day, we had a practical test that required us to act as the rescuers in a disaster zone. It was quite amazing the effort they put to it and I commend the Red Cross staff who were very good actors as they played victims and the crowd giving in to mass hysteria. They had costumes and everything to make the area believable. Obviously, you were made to be the team leader and since our trainer knew about our relationship, she decided to test your leadership skills by asking me on cue to faint on the scene in the middle of treating one of the victims. It was cruel of me, I know. But what was I to do? I told you as we were dressing the wounds that I was feeling dizzy and before I fainted I had one hand on your shoulder and made sure I fell onto the back of another team member. So on cue, I fainted and you naturally turned all you focus to me. You believed everything I did. Concentrating on trying to look unconscious, not bursting out in laughter and the guilt of the deception was the most challenging part of it. You left the team, carried me off in your arms to the emergency room of the Red Cross. When I had awakened from my 'fainting', I told you weakly to return to our team because they were probably panicking without a leader to guide them. At least you took my advice and went back and afterwards returned to me. Later on, other members asked me if my fainting was staged and I told them yes. Overhearing, you laughed at me and told them that I sometimes had fainting spells and shouldn't be ashamed to admit it. Eyes wide, I whispered to you that I had only been acting the entire time. My oh my the expression on your face was indescribable. You stepped away from me, and when I touched your arm you flinched away and told me, accusingly, 'you lied to me and you made me look like a fool to everyone!' I apologized and told you why I had done so. You were still so angry that your face was red from the humiliation of it. And that was one thing you absolutely hated. I apologized to you many times that day. Thankfully, you eventually forgave me for that incident. That little acting wasn't worth the stress and friction it gave us. And let me tell you that I'll never be doing that again anytime soon. 

Green Monster Dream

98. We are both quite possessive with one another. It's nice because it adds a wee bit of excitement on an ordinary day however, can be so infuriating at times. One of those times actually happened in this creative brain of mine. My subconscious has a crazy way of putting my fears into reality in my dreams. In one dream, you left me for another classmate and kissed her in front of me. I shudder to say who although I would have to say that 'hindi kayo bagay'. I was so pissed off that I stalked off, chin held way up high, to plan my revenge to show you what you're missing. I don't even understand why of all eligible classmates, you picked her. She'd be the last one you'd pick in real life. I remember getting so very angry with you and yelling at you in that dream asking you repeatedly why have you done this awful thing. I think you replied that you did it just because you wanted too and you couldn't help yourself. I think I slapped you at that point. It was awful. I wish I would never have another green monster dream again. More than that I wish I would never experience that horrid thing in real life. If only I had remembered in my dream to blast the two of you with my supernatural powers or perhaps turn into a vampire and use my unnatural magical monster eyes, and wicked smile to charm you back into my arms without much difficulty.  

Practice Makes Perfect

98. It's true what they say. Practice does make perfect. Even if the practice only took one session. One of the most precious memories I have is of my perfect debut. It was the defining moment in my life that for the first time I would be recognized as a young adult, one that held her dreams at the palm of her hand. I could never have had such a perfect moment without you and our last dance. You see, of the 18 men I picked out as my roses, the last dance, the last red rose would be you. And you took care of the choreography the best that you can, and the result was just simply beautiful and perfect. We rehearsed just the day before. And I had to admit, I felt shy, giddy, excited and nervous all at the same time as you held me gently in our living room, leading the dance. However, I had to admit that the romantic atmosphere made me a bit uncooperative at times because I simply had to laugh and tease you. You had a sleepless night trying to come up with the steps. And many times you would shake me out of feigned frustration, begging me to concentrate because the dance made you more nervous than I. Our practice that afternoon was well worth the several hours of practice. The end resut was flawless. Our dance was a modified waltz to the song of "beautiful as you". There was even a little drama involved in the beginning where you approched me and asked me to dance, and I all but fell into your arms to be lead and twirled in the mdidle of the dance floor. Approaching the end of the song, you lead me around the floor, presenting me to everyone. I couldn't have pictured a more perfect sight than the two of us proclaiming our love to the world, not a care to what they think, lost in each other. Practice does make perfect. Love isn't instant as some people would have you think. Love also takes practice and a mountainfull of patience. The truest love is perfect in every way, and we could only aspire to such greatness if we are to live our lives together, spent and intertwined, still in the throes of the dance of love. 

Lost Things

97. I absolutely detest it when I lose things because it is a testament to my utter carelessness and stupidity. You were there of course when I bawl over such happenings and have even encouraged me to let my frustrations out on the expense of your clean shirt or handkerchief. Sometimes bad things just happen to me for no reason though you always say that it's just material things and to just look at the bright side. When you lose things, it's another matter entirely though. One time, I lost my bag, and all its contents, including my cell phone and an expensive pepper spray for protection that my dad gave me on the front yard of my friend's house. It just disappeared when we went indoors for lunch. She, in turn, found out that many things from her house were missing as well. And that incuded her housemaid. Of course the police were notified and a few days later, caught the thief in her cousin's home. My friend, after retrieving her personal belongings and even checking the underwear of the theif which belonged to her and her sister, then slapped the girl to her senses. Unfortunately, only my phone was recovered since she just tossed my bag and the rest of it in a ditch somewhere. No matter how many hours you searched for my bag in that particular neighborhood, and I was sorry you had to put in such effort for me, they were all in vain. I am glad though that at least something turned up. Strange though, how lost things sometimes become found in the end, coming back when least expected them. I lost your smile for a moment and now have it back. I lost a chance and now have another. I lost a part of myself but found something better, more lasting in you. And all the while, I thought my world was going to end just because I lost that something when all it meant that I was meant for something greater. Isn't that ironic? Isn't life grand? No wonder it is said that one shouln't become so attached to material things, and that we should gather instead, otherworldly riches for our lives in heaven.  

Karaoke Time

96. We've had a lot of fun times with our barkada. I remember one time we had a spontaneous karaoke session at one of our friend's house in lieu of cancelled classes for the afternoon. Her parents weren't around so we took liberty in singing as much as we wanted in her living room, no matter how out of tune and loud we were. She had a great selection of songs, both from the past and present. We even had a random song challenge wherein we had to sing whatever came up no matter how ridiculous or unknown the song. We grooved to 'she bangs' and I swooned over you as you sang 'only you'  and 'how did you know' to me. Heart all aflutter, I in turn dedicated my songs to you as well. We had other karaoke moments at the mall, but for certain, this episode has always been a favorite memory of mine. A good dose of camaraderie and a sprinkling of 'kilig' moments are always a great way to relax after school hours. There's probably no better way to spend it too and I'm very thankful to have such fine friends with us as we make our journey through life. 

The Red Cross Youth

95. One of the great perks of having a barkada who's a do-it-all is being dragged into joining an organization that actually makes a difference in the world. I knew we both really liked it because we got to help the less fortunate as well as learn a thing or two about first aid and life support.  Twice we actually cooked a gigantic potful of delicious arroz caldo or rice porridge together which thankfully came out as well as it did to give out. Several times we went to the plaza and gave out food to street urchins, and help out a few times with Gawad kalinga projects. Those moments were the most heart-rendering because for a moment we put smiles on those strangers faces, and for a moment we alleviated their hunger and problems though only for a short while. We had tree-planting and seed-bagging activities and seminars. We also had a great time during U-week in helping out at the booth. It was great because it actually led to many interesting, productive and fun moments for us all. The only regret I had with it was because we had to stop at our 4th year because it was hard to juggle with all our other activities.

Sleeping Outdoors

94. At our second year in college, you were the class president and were tasked to organize the class trip. After much planning it was decided to be held at a friend's private resort at Murcia. It had cabins, a pool, huts, a place to grill and even a nearby piggery and chicken houses. Luckily, the smells did not reach us because the location was hilly. All in all it was the perfect place for some fun in the sun with our classmates. Although only half of the class was present it is still on record, one of the best times we've had together. For one thing we made so many memories there. We swam in the pool which was very very cold and you even did back dives to show off. After eating the food you and a classmate prepared, we decided to drink. Strange things happen when our classmates are drunk and you and some of the guys had a challenging time maintaining order. One classmate danced on the table and broke a light bulb with her forehead. One began to see ghosts. One claimed that friends were gonna visit him which was quite impossible because the venue was in the middle of nowhere up in the mountains. One was crying because she wanted some pizza. One continuously declared his undying love to another classmate and wouldn't leave her side all night which made it so awkward for him in the morning. I was quite tipsy and even threatened to jump in the pool with all my clothes on if you didn't pay attention to me. I apologize that I added to your headaches. Our teacher was useless and later on fell asleep in the cabin, only to surface later on to sleep on an outside table because that cabin became so noisy. What I remember most about it though was our sweetest  first time to sleep together outdoors. It was just like heaven to cuddle with you and I truly felt at peace when I crept up close next to you, intoxicated with your scent. Even though it was on a table and you were dreadfully uncomfortable, I still fell fast asleep. You thought it was amazing because you hurt your back and was tried many times to maneuver your arm so that my head wouldn't fall off the hard, narrow, bamboo table. You had a pleasant time though stealing kisses from me, smelling my hair and just staring at my face thoughtfully. What was it like for you? I think you enjoyed a lot even and there wasn't anything sexual about it. Just the closeness. That's what we really cherished. Being together the entire day and being together at night till the morning is just so special and just solidified our bond. Even if it happened on top of an outdoor table.

Sweet tooth Indulgence

93. To prove that everything has a saturation point, our economics teacher tasked us to bring sweets to class and eat them in groups of six. Some of us bought store bought sweets and I think I made some leche flan for the event. Others opted to by cakes and ice cream. We didn't have lunch so that we'd be hungry just in time for the event which was after lunch time. It was great at first. There was just so much food to share. However, we continued eating and eating until we felt sick to our stomachs and some of us even became nauseous. Our teacher was right. At some point we had to say no because we were simply just too full. I wonder if it's true even in relationships. Once we've had our needs satisfied and we feel secure up to the brim, things become nauseating once the sweetness overflows. Perhaps it is true. Goodbyes makes hellos so much sweeter. And time apart makes us grow and appreciate the things that make our partner special. It would be so boring if we were together all the time and we'd soon run out of things to say to each other or discover in each other. I guess that's one of the thing's that makes marriage challenging. Just one of the many how to's we have to work through. As for now, I'm savoring the indulgence your presence gives to me and even if it fades out through time, I think at some point it will reach a level that is just right for the both of us, lasting for the rest of our lives.

A Day of Firsts

92. Remember that day I first got lost? It was also the day of the debut of one of our friends. After we resolved our argument and I made myself look decent, we arrived at the poolside party. It was a day of firsts actually. It was the first time I've attended a fun, stylish debut beside the pool. It was the first time we swam together, the first time I've worn a bikini and the first time you've seen me in one. It took a lot of strength for you not to cover me with a towel all throughout the party to ease of the stares of the opposite sex. Teasing you in the water was such fun. It was the first we've played couples games together. First time that we saw some of our classmates and teacher drunk, which wasn't such a pretty site. Tipsy, one group pushed another group into the pool, along with their cellphones and cameras unfortunately. One friend broke a glass as he slipped into the pool. And one friend kept on boasting to all the girls, in an unseemly manner, about his car and some of his past exploits. On a positive note, it was the first time I've ever seen a gorgeous mad-hatter inspired cake and the exquisite dress of the celebrant. And lastly it was the first time I was one of the ten sparklers that after a short sweet tribute speech to the birthday girl had to down a tequila shot. It was great, interesting and inspiring and to top it all off, I not only witnessed another side of our classmates the experience made us closer as a couple. 

The Impulsive Trip

91. Throughout this blog is an insatiable desire to talk about things that brings us together. Love, memories, family and food. Today I choose to talk about food namely- batchoy. It's basically a local noodle soup with egg, garlic, onions and an assortment of meat. I can't even count how many times we had the stuff. And you'd always remark how 'sunog-baga' I was because I always put so much black pepper on my soup and noodles because I liked the dish very spicy. You once tasted mine and regretted it because it made your mouth and throat feel as if it was on fire. Once we did something out of pure impulsiveness. Tired of the usual dates that we had, we decided one day to take a bus to go to a place called E.B. Magalona, where I once had my duty, to eat some batchoy at this small shop near the health center. Imagine that, a one-hour bus ride just for the sake of food. I sometimes shake my head at the impractical things we've done together over the years, but nevertheless they still bring a smile to my face. They were fun and the food, besides, was delicious, and company, made it complete.

Let's Get Lost

90. One would be shocked to find out that I've once gotten lost in my own city. I'm a homebody, and I prefer to be in my home than anywhere else, except with you of course. We were to attend a debut of one of our classmates and the venue was at a clubhouse I think. I was expecting you to come to my house so that we could go there together but you refused me, saying that we'll just meet up at a friend's house instead. I begged you to reconsider and fetch me but you refused and just gave me instructions on how to commute. I knew how to commute using public transportation mind you, but wasn't so familiar with the routes of other jeepneys other than the ones I normally used. In spite of my hesitation and my disappointment with you, I soldiered on and commuted though it was already dark. I told the driver where I was going but I really had no clue where that was in the first place. I soon found myself lost so I just got off the jeep in front of a certain church. Horrified and trying to keep myself calm, I texted you my dillema and you told me that we'll meet at a school. I got on a taxi, in spite of the added cost, and met you there. I was furious at you because you knew that I wasn't familiar with the routes. Does a good boyfriend expose his girlfriend to the risk of travelling alone, at night and to getting lost? No way. A good boyfriend would have at least met her at a place where she was familiar with. I wouldn't have minded so much if I was with someone but alas I was alone. So next time, be there with me, let's get lost together. It will be infinitely more fun.  

Butterfly Kisses

89. I love butterflies, it's one of my favorite little things. I admire thier beauty, their freedom, their capacity to bring smiles and pleasure in being simply themselves no matter how short their time is on earth. And to think they came from earth-bound caterpillars. You knew of this and sometimes gave me gifts with butterflies on them. You bought me necklaces, one with a blue butterfly, and the other with a larger yellow one. You took me to butterfly gardens, once at the Panaad festival and once at Mambucal. Some of them had glorious wings on them and one could even let them alight on your hand. It was beautiful and breathtaking and I couldn't thank you enough for bringing me there. At home, I have my own little collection of butterflies in jewelry and decorations that I've shown you and worn frequently. They were mostly gifts from my family and friends and you of course. Somehow with you, I feel that I've grown stronger and perhaps one day I shall be a butterfly as well and I'll shower you in every way and every day with butterfly kisses.   

Letters

88. Letters, both the exquisite hard-to- read long hand and the crystal clear typewritten kind have played a large part in our relationship simply because it defines special moments. The first letter you have ever written me was for our anniversary. That year, I requested that that would be the only gift you'd give me and in turn it was my also my gift to you. And really, I wasn't only thinking on the practicallity of it since we were but students at that time, I was also thinking how it would be nice to receive something that had great effort spent on it so transparently. I know how challenging brainstorming about a project is. And I know that you are not too creative. Probably I was asking much of you. But that's what I like: things that cost little but mean so much. It was a beautiful, simple letter in a home-made card. With the heart and balloons that you drew at the front of the card,  with pictures of you when you were little and meaningful words within. You were so adorable when you were small, and already so popular. And you showed me a bit of your simple life before, even of your big pet pig that you loved. Until now I've kept that letter in my cabinet. It symbolized your commitment to me and assured me an everlasting place in your heart. Written words leave a permanent mark on paper and my heart, coupled with your actions then it's an ultimate declaration of love. What girl could ask for more?

Time Out

87. I've written once before about our first break up that lasted for only four hours because you were so quick to appear at my doorstep to apologize. Everything we built was indeed saved from permanent devastation but honestly it wasn't the only break up we had. Like other relationships though, we still had other skirmishes, including drama-induced break-ups. These were relatively of short duration. Most of our friends don't even believe that we'd ever had a break up, citing that high emotions just simply caused tiny time- outs in our relationship. I don't know if they're right. Perhaps they are right simply because the longest break-up we've had was only around a day. Then one or both parties would apologize since we couldn't stand the tension and being apart. It just seemed unnatural since you're in my thoughts most of the day. It is quite painful to think of breaking up with you for real. To not see your smile and share your life, is indeed quite demoralizing because like it or not you've played such a large part in my own life. I'd like to think of you as part of my eventual future no matter how exciting and scary I think it is. Call me a coward but I'm both afraid of a life with you and a life without you. I guess there's nothing else to do but take each day at a time and take things as they come. We'll figure it out somehow.

The Poem

86. You can be such a romantic at times, that's one of the things I love about you. And it's surprising, though you're not so good at grammar, and you're far from bookish, you managed to come up with a dramatic poem you presented at our speech class, dedicated to me. Perhaps it's another one of your hidden talents. I admit, I edited some tiny errors in it, but even if I hadn't it was still quite understandable. I find it quite beautiful and admire how you put so much effort into writing it Hearing it caused a hot flush to come to my cheeks and ears and I thought 'wow, that's one of the most romantic things a guy has ever done for me'. It always puts a smile on my face until now. 

Blessing in Disguise

It was the month of the goddess Juno

where two seasons were in transition

the month where life starts to grow

yet for me it was my oblivion

The day of my desolation was drawing closer

when I submitted myself to my superior

My visage was out of nowhere

I know that in time I'll be a failure

Suddenly I became weary

This heart became uncertain

Because of such ailment without remedy

I felt the force of my extermination

Yet as I was entering the palace of ideas

a light of evangelion flashes at my sight

It was form a lady of the Scholastics

where powerful sorceresses amplify their might

her heart was vibrant and pure

with a smile that would replenish a soul

she greets me with a cure

cure to my dying heart 

And I, the knight from the Excellence

prevailed with the heart of the lion

I drew first blood with my force

it was the start of my expedition 

An expedition not only by me

but also with her loving presence

her love rejuvenates me

when I'm in the sate of losing entity

As a song once said

"You were my strength when I was weak,

You were my voice when I couldn't speak,

You were my eyes when I couldn't see,

You saw the best there was in me."

And until now we still fight

the obstacles of life

Although there may be awaiting dangers

I promise that I will protect her

I'll be always her knight and shining armor

Living to my lady with might and valor

for me, loving her is an honor

my heart is for her until forever

This is the story 

of reality 

I will love you my lady 

until death 

Listen To Me

85. One of the things I find appealing in you is your readiness to listen to me. I find it very surprising since I've never had a person values my opinions as much as you. Even if I don't feel like talking to you, you're quite skilled at prying the locks of my brain open anyway. Somehow I find resisting you when you do that only leads to more problems involving trust. I know you care a lot that is why you'd like to know. My family upbringing is different from yours in that generally, we are quiet, pleasant people that avoid strong emotions. However, things can get suppressive when one feels that one does not have a say in things or just typically feel like there's no one to confide in the family. And my family values peace and quiet, thus we don't talk so much. Sometimes it's really nice to just have some peace but unfortunately, this has led to us sometimes becoming strangers to one another. I'd wager you'd never had such problems with your family because everyone's so talkative and open. I admit though, I am in no position to complain, for I've never been in want of anything my whole life. I know that I am loved and accepted, and that is what matters. Still, what I've found lacking in my own family, I've found an outlet in my relationship with you. You may be stubborn at times and talk about unnecessary things that cause a bit of an annoyance but you only mean well, and you're honest. And always ready to listen without hesitation.

Library Hour

84. It is not new knowledge to you that I adore fiction, especially the fantasy, historical, romantic kind. Every time I'd find myself alone during those days apart from you, I'd find solace in books. I'm an avid borrower at the library and would read there during my free time. I think that it was because I was a bit of a loner when I was in grade school; books were simply friends that were always unquestioningly there. Once I got into reading, I just kind of didn't stop. My real circle of friends were readers too. When we'd have one of our fights, I'd practically seek sanctuary there at the library, burying my nose in a good novel. I had hoped that you'd change your attitude towards books through time, but to no avail. The only books you'd ever come within touching distance of were hardcore history books. One time I had lent you a short pocketbook but you'd never even finished a chapter. You returned it to me after a month. I've often daydreamed once we were married that I'd read to you before we'd sleep. Perhaps starting out with funny little short stories to pique your interest. But I don't know, I'd also imagined you tired after a long hard day at work and just longing for a soft bed and a warm female body beside you ready for cuddling or something else. We could perhaps do a bit of both, don't you think? And it doesn't have to be a book since we'd have access to the internet anyway.  

Just a Little Change

83. Remember that scene from beauty and the beast wherein Belle inspired the beast to use a spoon while drinking soup instead of slobbering over the bowl? The way you look at it, something of a similar  nature happened to us when we had a date at Mang Inasal. Instead of tableware, however, it was about eating with one's fingers. I had done it once or twice before when I was younger but found the crudeness distasteful. I just didn't care for the sliminess it left on my fingers as well as the lingering smell, even after handwashing several times.  That is why I was so hesitant when you invited me to eat in such a way. The restaurant didn't give their  customers utensils unless they asked because it was commonplace to eat with only bare fingers. Sensing my unease, you laughed and showed me the proper way of eating it caveman style. You tore the chicken to pieces, dipped it in sauce and placed it in your mouth, gathered rice with one hand, squished it to make it more compact then ate it with gusto. Eyebrow raised I followed you, strangely liking how you were patient with me. You found it unbelievable that I didn't like eating in this manner and even encouraged me to practice. I told you the reasons why I didn't like it. But over the years those reasons somehow became irrelevant as I adapted the little change you asked of me. I grew to enjoy eating with my fingers so as long as there was a washing area and sufficient soap. Now, I will have to do my best to teach you how to eat using chopsticks. 

The Arcade

82. Though we do so rarely now, we used to go to the local arcade lots of times. We had quite a few memories there. Our favorite game would be the table hockey and we were quite good at it. It was always a blast competing with you head on. In fact, we were always toe to toe with one another. You'd win some, you'd lose some. The loser would sulk a little, but the loss would be taken in good stride in the end. Sometimes other people would watch us having fun. We'd play it till our arms hurt. Another game that you liked was that punching machine. It was basically a show of brute strength, but oh how boyfriends always favored it to show off to their cheering girlfriends. And I was one of those girlfriends. You'd wear the glove and punch the cloth-covered target with a loud boom, and the machine would calculate the strength and score of it. When you'd beat the record, I would simply gush and cheer and always remark how strong your arm strength was. Once or twice we rode the bumper cars and relished crashing into one another. Once or twice we sang in one of their karaoke rooms. One time, your family came along and we discovered your mother's hidden talent at winning stuffed toys from that metal claw game. How many toys had she won exactly? Six? Seven? Quite admirable. And of course, we'd play other games as well, like coin games, shooting games and even racing games. You'd avoid the dance revolution machine like the plague because stepping on arrows like an idiot wasn't your thing. I once even sprained my wrist while exerting too much effort in a basketball shooting game. In spite of that I really had a good time and our ticket collection grew and grew. In fact, we have yet to claim our prizes from those many tickets; which are currently residing in a large cardboard bag inside my cabinet. I don't really mind though since what matters most are the memories we've shared from those special laughter-filled moments.    

Impressions Count

81. Dressing yourself isn't one of your strong suits. Sometimes you forget to shave and brush your hair. Sometimes you just wear your slippers to the mall. Sometimes you wear that overly large colorful tribal shirt that I detest because it makes you look like a mountain man coming out from a cave to gaze upon the modern civilization. Much to my dismay, everything aforementioned occurred one faithful day when we had our date. You probably felt too tired to place any effort in making yourself presentable. But what was a girl to do? We went on that date regardless. Since I was running out of my favorite hair conditioner, I decided to buy some at my favorite beauty shop before we saw a movie. Due to manly pride, you refused to step inside the girly shop and contented yourself by waiting for me and hovering outside the shop door. The gay salesclerk, all cheery and familiar, assisted me with my purchase and asked me, in all friendliness, if the man he saw waiting for me outside was my father. I could barely suppress a giggle. No, he isn't my father, I replied, he's actually my boyfriend. I couldn't wait to relay the news to you that you were actually mistaken as my father. It would be a great motivator, I thought. Before I could even tell you though, I burst into a laughing fit and you asked me what had happened as we went on our way. When I managed to tell you, you were so horrified that you almost went back to the shop to give that clerk a piece of your mind. You couldn't believe it and you asked me repeatedly if you indeed looked that old. I only told the truth. Your horrible fashion sense made you look older than you actually were. I encouraged you to take more time to dress and prepare yourself better. Even for a simple date. Shave, fix your hair, pick a better shirt, wear better footwear. The least you could do was appear as clean as possible. Even if you feel like crap, the whole world doesn't need to know it. Besides, if you appear so handsome, how can I resist such a tempting man like that? I'd be all over you in a heartbeat. 

Count the Clicks

80. Just between the two of us, we had a private game that we sometimes played when we were out during dates. Something like an ego booster for the both of us. We called it the clicking game, derived I think from one Axe commercial. I would dress my prettiest for our date, then arm linked, we'd go around the mall and in a whisper, count all the glances, second glances,  and stares the opposite sex would give me. As we'd smile at each other, giggle, and talk brightly and laugh, as  if nothing else in the world existed but us two, we'd nonchalantly mark each stare as a click. Click, click, click. I think my record for a day was around 80- something clicks. Eyebrows raised, you smiled cunningly as one guy, gave me second once over,  although he obviously had his own girlfriend wrapped around him. Sorry dude, you whispered to me though addressing him, she's already taken; she's mine; too bad for you. It's a nice feeling to be noticed and appreciated. But I must say, it's a nicer feeling to actually feel your possessiveness up close. On your part, you felt proud that such a girl was on your arm and happy at how envious other men were getting. Prouder still at the fact that I chose you out of all of them. See? Ego- booster for the both of us. Let's play it again sometime, shall we?  

The Santacruzan

79. From my 4th year at highschool throughout my 3rd year of college, I've regularly participated in our annual parish Flores de Mayo and Santacruzan. Our country adores fiestas, and some even consider this historical/religious/beauty pageant to the be one of the most popular ones. This flower festival is dedicated to the Virgin Mary and is usually held in every town or city. The people, girls and escorts, aren't selected for their looks alone, but rather for the qualities they embody. I guess I should consider myself lucky and now a veteran of such affairs. Although I was never chosen as the Reyna Elena during those years, I got to be Reyna de las Estrellas(Queen of Stars, I held a wand), Reyna Fe(Queen of Faith, I held a cross), Reyna de Libertad(Queen of Liberty, I held a torch) and Rosa Mystica(Mystic Rose). I must say that my favorite queen was Rosa Mystica because of the intense red gown and the red rose bouquet. I still remember the sweet smell of flowers that hung over my own bamboo canopy, and on the Church aisle and altar. I wore beautiful gowns, sometimes my sister was one of the flower girls and wore a pretty white dress too. There were times that an escort was required and two boys to hold my canopy and I relied on you and some of my male friends to fit the roles, which they happily obliged. I remember you, wearing a white camisachino with a red scarf around your neck telling me that I looked exquisite.  I also remember how you remarked that one of the friends I invited as a carrier behaved awkwardly in his presence, then we shared a private laugh about it afterwards. After the mass and the long  procession down neighborhood streets, a program and dinner was usually held in the neighborhood covered court. The last santacruzan was special because it was not only held here in our parish, but also at a mall, so more people could participate and appreciate the event. It was fun though I felt a bit embarrassed. But there was nothing else to do than to hold my head up high, float as a I walked, and hope that my high heals wouldn't get stuck at the escalators. There were no canopies nor escorts, however, you were still staring at me like a proud hawk from afar. I'm not sure whether or not your were seething in jealousy at the male eyes who were watching me but it was fun. My heart skipped a beat. That last event wasn't as religious as I hoped it would be though.    

Reflections

78. I know that as an outsider to your family, I don't really understand and am in no place to judge. Made up of so many men, you're right in saying that I may not survive if I were to stay with them to bear everything. I bear them no ill will of course, but there are just some things that are hard for me to accept. I am not used to a liberal environment, that is why it is quite challenging for me. If I do become a part of your family, I will have to undergo a lot of changes, especially in my mindset. You've already changed how I've dealt with problems. And I daresay, I've become a bit stronger though not enough. If I stand next to you, I don't want to be perceived as this delicate little thing that needs to be taken care of. I want to be able to stand with my head held high and proud, be able to voice out my opinions confidently, and be respected by your family and by you most of all. I love you but it is unfair for me to change just because being with you merits it to be whether I want to or not. I want to change because I choose it to be, because it's for the greater good of myself and for all involved. I can't please everyone you know and I want to be my own person as well. Just like how you want to travel the world on your own, I too have dreams that are separate from you. No one else knows I had wanted to become a dancer but lost the guts to do it because it would interfere with my studies. No one else knows that I wanted to play volleyball but since it would risk destroying my fingers, my piano teacher forbid it. No one else knows I wanted to write a bestselling novel but never got around to finish it because life got in the way, and inspiration ran out. There's just a voice somewhere in my head saying, someday indeed I will. I really have no business being with you till the end of time if I give you anything less than the best version of me. 

Little Notes

77. Communication is a vital part in keeping a relationship alive. Though we don't text each other every second of every minute of every hour of every day, I know we talk to each other enough throughout the years. Though I know it can get a bit boring at times for you, I find talking to you quite enjoyable. We have differing opinions about certain things, and I find that knowing an opposing view to be quite refreshing when it's not too hostile. It's better than silence I suppose. And your opinions are usually reliable because you apparently know more about the world than I do. It's a sad truth. But never mind me, I'd actually like to talk about communicating by passing notes in class. Remember when every time I'd get my hands on highlighter pencil shavings that I'd write little notes, roll them up and have it passed to you up front the class where you sat. You collected most of them and even wrote little notes of your own. I remember how it usually put a smile on my face even on inopportune times. Then you'd turn your head, you'd wink, and our eyes met, sharing a conspirator-like gleam. That's the kind of effect that you have on me. It was fun, these little things. It's kept things alive and interesting even after years of being together.