Reflections

78. I know that as an outsider to your family, I don't really understand and am in no place to judge. Made up of so many men, you're right in saying that I may not survive if I were to stay with them to bear everything. I bear them no ill will of course, but there are just some things that are hard for me to accept. I am not used to a liberal environment, that is why it is quite challenging for me. If I do become a part of your family, I will have to undergo a lot of changes, especially in my mindset. You've already changed how I've dealt with problems. And I daresay, I've become a bit stronger though not enough. If I stand next to you, I don't want to be perceived as this delicate little thing that needs to be taken care of. I want to be able to stand with my head held high and proud, be able to voice out my opinions confidently, and be respected by your family and by you most of all. I love you but it is unfair for me to change just because being with you merits it to be whether I want to or not. I want to change because I choose it to be, because it's for the greater good of myself and for all involved. I can't please everyone you know and I want to be my own person as well. Just like how you want to travel the world on your own, I too have dreams that are separate from you. No one else knows I had wanted to become a dancer but lost the guts to do it because it would interfere with my studies. No one else knows that I wanted to play volleyball but since it would risk destroying my fingers, my piano teacher forbid it. No one else knows I wanted to write a bestselling novel but never got around to finish it because life got in the way, and inspiration ran out. There's just a voice somewhere in my head saying, someday indeed I will. I really have no business being with you till the end of time if I give you anything less than the best version of me.