Someday

195. There was once a time wherein we played this "Someday" game. It was after one of our regular dates then persisted long throughout the night through text. This was not really a game, for there were no rules and we just made it up on the spot however, we enjoyed it immensely and we learned so much about each other and affirmed many commonalities and differences we had. Most of all shared what we wanted out of our lives. We are young. We are hopeful. We still dream and hope to forever. Someday I shall wake up with you beside me and be absolutely at peace. Someday we shall have our own home. Someday we shall travel and see the world with new eyes. Someday we will get lost together. Someday we shall have children. Someday I shall rude a horse once more. Someday I shall find a job that will make me feel fulfilled. Someday I shall provide well for my family. Someday I shall not worry about money. Someday I shall wear a white dress and say my I do's with the man that was meant for me. Someday we shall kiss torridly in public. Someday I shall find happiness. Someday I shall help others fulfill their dreams. Someday we shall make passionate love, as slow or as fast and in all ways, without worrying about the consequences. Someday I shall stand on my own two feet. Someday I shall have a room that I can call my own. Someday I shall always be inspired. Someday I shall be strong. Someday I shall learn how to cook like a pro. Someday I shall be a great nurse. Someday we shall be more daring and risk-taking. Someday I shall be successful. Someday I shall be powerful. Someday I shall save many lives. Someday I shall be a good leader. Someday I shall lose control. Someday I shall teach my child how to play the piano. Someday I shall teach my child how to play basketball and volleyball. Someday I shall learn a new sport. Someday we shall make love on a deserted beach. Someday I shall finish my novel. Someday we shall eat breakfast in bed together. Someday I shall be well-known for something good I've done. Someday I shall have a Siberian husky. Someday I shall make my parents proud. Someday I shall have a formal romantic date at an expensive restaurant with you. Someday I shall kiss you good night and tuck you in. Someday I shall sleep beside you and wake up with you beside me. Someday all my dreams will come true. Someday all your dreams will come true. Someday all our dreams will come true. Someday there will no more be somedays because they will be all be real. I believe they will eventually someday, with you by my side.  

My Novel

194. I sometimes asked myself why I've never continued writing my novel- the one I've started writing since  my high school years. I poured my heart and soul into those two hundred or so pages of pure fantasy about a goddess thrown out of heaven, inspired by my dreams and internal wishes. Writer's block or what not, I just suddenly felt no desire to continue writing. Fiction, no matter how beautiful or exciting, paled in comparison to reality the moment I entered the next chapter in my life- college and... you. When I read my work with the new older critical eyes, the perfectionist side of me saw scribbles made by a child who had no direction in her life. The story itself was a mess. It lacked fluidity, grace, focus and character development. There were also some good points- the storyline was quite interesting, and the world was intensely creative but it wasn't enough. I rewrote twenty pages before putting down the pen. Taking a deep breath, I told myself I had to start anew. But not today. I had so many things to do in my life yet. So many things I've yet to experience and develop within myself first before I could complete this book. I was still a girl waiting for her adventure to start. I then realized that that was what exactly I had to do. I had to wait and live. The girl with the red hair and violet eyes had to grow up first. She had to die so she could start a new life. And she had to fall in order to be free. To learn the real meaning of love, sacrifice and family. And lastly, love a man she would have never dreamed of possibly loving in a million lifetimes. To live would be the greatest adventure. I shall write my novel seriously again one day. Someday. Until completion. I hope that you would read it then.    

How Long?

193. People frequently ask me about how long we've been together. When I tell them six years, they have varied and frankly surprising reactions. Some are happy for us and think that our blissful monogamous relationship is undoubtedly blessed because of its longevity. They encourage us to keep our love strong. Others continually prod me as to the reason why we haven't tied the knot yet, seemingly impatient to be invited to our wedding. I laugh at how they corner me into inviting them to our imaginary nuptials sometime into our imaginary future. And the least favorite reactions are that of skepticism, superstition and that of negativity. 'Six years is a long time. Too long.'. 'Tie the knot soon, don't let it get to seven years or else you won't be together.' 'It's bad luck to be in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship longer than 7 years.' 'You're young. If it doesn't work out there's lots of time so just take it slow.' 'I know couples breaking up on their 7th year.' 'Six years already? You might get bored of him soon so get married quickly.' I just cringe at all of them. I don't need their unsolicited advice that borders on the insulting. At times, these kinds of reactions just makes my blood boil. I believe that they have no right to butt into other people's business. What do they know about our relationship? Nothing. They only see the surface of us as a couple. They don't see all the challenges we've had to overcome. All the heartache we've endured. All the love, time and effort and self- sacrifice we've given to each other. All the memories, good and bad and seemingly ordinary, that we've shared. If they gave advice it should have been that of concern, encouragement and love. Not meant to strike fear. Not meant to incite anger. Not meant to warn. Not meant to show apparent jealousy. Not meant to pressure. Not meant to insult. If they have nothing good to say about us then they should have just kept their mouths shut and their opinions to themselves. I don't know when exactly we are getting married. I don't know if we're going to end up with each other forever even with all the love we have. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. All I know is about today. Today, I love you with all of my heart, with all of my soul, and with all of my mind. Today, I am happy with you and I do hope you are happy with me too. Today, I am here with you to dream with you, to laugh and cry with you, and to love you through all the ways I know how. I can only hope for the best for tomorrow. For our tomorrow.  'How long we've been together' is not what they should have asked me. Instead, they should have asked, 'what has kept you together all this time'. It is a simple answer. Love. And love doesn't have an expiration date.    

Puppies Galore

192. When my dog, Bella, got impregnated by the black dog that went inside our gate my initial reaction was that of shock. My first dog, our baby practically, was going to be a mother. She was only two years old although in human years that meant she was already between 14-21 years old. We already had two dogs, Bella who was a black spitz-like mixed breed and Kloe, who was a daschund-dalmatian cutie. I couldn't imagine having even more dogs since they were already a handful. Through the next few months I monitored her pregnancy, perhaps like I would a real human being. I listened for heartbeats using a stethoscope though I couldn't be certain exactly as to how many sets there were. I read about dog pregnancy in the internet and even started preparing a space for her at the house. Too bad the puppies took me by surprise anyway so I wasn't able to witness nor assist in their delivery no matter how much it would have fascinated me. It was around 10pm that I lay down on my bed to sleep. As I was starting to doze, I heard small whimpers coming from underneath. My eyes immediately flew open and I turned on the lights and looked under my bed. Bella was there, with four adorable black, wrinkly puppies. I shrieked and called my mother to come look. It was a bloody mess under my bed, my dog had used a part of my comforter as her birthing area. My father warned that Bella may be aggressive if we attempt to touch the puppies so we first lured her out of the room using food and water. We then examined the the tiny puppies one by one and discovered that one was a still born. I attempted chest compression but it was useless. Poor little puppy. We covered him up and buried him the next day. We didn't show my dog her dead puppy because we thought it would only upset her. We placed the rest of the healthy puppies, two boys and a girl, into the box that I prepared for them which was lined with towels. We then let Bella rejoin them. I then phoned you and practically shouted in your ear about what happened. You said you couldn't wait to see them, it was like we were grandparents we joked. Over the next weeks, she searched for the dead puppy that we had buried. It was heartbreaking to see her whimper and scratch around the spot she had given birth in and kept on searching my room. Maybe we should have let her spent more time with her dead little one so she would understand that he was gone. At least she had her other healthy puppies to care for. It was amazing to see her breastfeed for the first time, lick them clean and equally revolting to see her eat her puppies' yellowish poo. So instinctive. Life is amazing. My family first thought of giving away the puppies but attachment grew so we were unable to. And now our house is full of dogs. Their maintenance is expensive but we love them all. Well, at least we would never have problems with neighborhood thieves.  

A Memorable Valentines

191. Time has flown by so fast and now we find ourselves facing another valentines day. Our 6th one in fact. Since the fist time we've celebrated this day dedicated to lovers, I've seen and experienced the many ways love is expressed. Through roses, love songs, letters, dates and kisses. Everywhere, shops put up decorations on their windows of red hearts, arrows, cupids and couples kissing. On the way to the office, I saw several boys, lining up at the entrance of my old all-girl alma mater with roses and chocolates. The girls that would be receiving the attention would incite admiration and envy in their own sex. I remembered even sending myself a gift just to not feel out of place, labeling the gift from a secret admirer. But you know what? Love isn't just shown through those material things accompanied by sweet nothings. I suddenly remember from religion class that there are actually many different kinds of love. Love for god. Love for family. Love for comrades. The romantic kind. And lastly, the lusty kind. I believe that we all have felt these kinds of love at some point in our lives. If not all than most of them. When I woke up that valentines day, the first thing I did was to thank God for today, for my family and for you. Even though my mother was a bit flighty because she wanted to go to the office earlier than usual, leaving me no time for brainstorming gift options for you, she did patiently help me with my wardrobe that day. She knew I had a date with you and even joked with me. I didn't expect this day to be completely magical as I'd hoped, but I appreciated that everything that happened that day went absolutely right. I didn't prepare a gift for you because although I racked my brain about gift ideas, I came up empty. To ease my dilemma you told me to buy something useful to you- thus the boxers. I seem to be giving you boxers as gifts more often. I wonder what that means. That day, I was just waiting for you at the office, chatting with a co-worker who undeniably had a crush on me but was absolutely not my type, when the radio suddenly played our song "how did you know." When I heard it, I felt my heart squeeze in my chest, like the old days, I had the feeling that you would be arriving at any moment so I stood up in my seat and my intuition couldn't have been more spot on for I saw you alighting from the jeepney. Our office security guard, upon seeing you, opened our doors and you walked toward me, your arms filled with the most beautiful roses and a breathtaking giant handwritten letter. Co- workers cheered. I gushed and we kissed as I received your gifts. Truthfully, I hadn't expected flowers at all, much less the giant handwritten card. I was pleasantly surprised and deeply touched that you made that card, even with all the grammar challenges and the tiny font filling the entire two foot page. The meaning behind those words washed over my heart like a hot wave upon the shore, an affirmation and declaration of love and appreciation. No one else could have gone to great lengths to confidently display their affection in public, if it wasn't true and good. And your love is exactly that. But even without all that thoughtful flourish, I would have still known you loved me and would have been content just being with you for the day. We ate at a great Chinese restaurant that we recently discovered at the Terra Dolce building and since our giant piece chess game didn't push through, we went back home to drop off the gifts and do some picture taking to commemorate the day before we continued our valentine date. As we went to the mall, with raised eyebrows we observed the many people we encountered. Some were in peaceful bliss like ourselves, others were fighting, crying, some were still eagerly searching for the perfect gift, and some girls went about carrying their roses like proud trophies, still, others were alone. Young and old, it seemed everyone was at the mall that time getting into the lovey- dovey spirit of the season. We encountered a classmate and waited with her as she waited for her other girlfriends for a single's date. It was good to catch up with her. We browsed cellular phones and bought my gift for you at the department store and drank your favorite mango shake from zagu. That was actually your second mango shake of the day since your first green mango shake was from the Chinese restaurant. We watched for a short time the free mall concert that was being given before you finally accompanied me home. We cuddled for a bit at the sofa, watching television, and I gave u a relaxing whole back and arm massage using some special aromatherapy oil. It was sweet and romantic. When we kissed and said our eventual goodbyes, we reflected on what a perfect day we had. It was definitely a valentines day I will remember for the rest of my life. 

Worst Eating Experience Ever

190. Do you remember our date at this restaurant? Of course you do since you wasted so much money here. Not for great food, unfortunately. Prior to our horrid experience there, we were clueless. There was a buzz going around that this new restaurant in town, famed for their blueberry pancakes and other arrays of comfort food, had opened and we just had to try it even once. Our curiosity led us to the worst eating experience of our lives. When we arrived there, the waiters and waitresses gave a very good first impression on us because they were so polite, well-mannered and good looking. However, first impressions don't last. The potato salad side dish that I ordered tasted horribly rancid as if it had gone bad. They had to replace it with something else- pasta. Pasta side dish to go with pasta main dish. Their pasta was a tad overcooked yet tasted good but their portions were disappointing considering the price. Their blueberry pancakes were only a quarter blueberry. The rest was just pancake. One had to drenched it in syrup to get any blueberry in them. It was nothing special. One could easily get more value for money by just buying the easy-to-cook version in the supermarkets. Their expensive coffee tasted just ordinary. The chicken dish that we ordered was overly seasoned with aromatics and left a dreadful taste in our mouths afterward. Indeed, once you get past the sleek, modern and orangey exterior, there was nothing else much to that blasted restaurant. We certainly would never eat at this place again nor endorse this place to our friends. I'd prefer any fast food burger joint than this place ever again. As I pass by this restaurant, I can observe that their customers are starting to dwindle. I guess we're not the only disappointed ones. There are a ton of great restaurants in our city so if they don't shape up soon they will have to pack up and take their pancakes with them. 

Soul mates

189. The idea of soul mates instantly triggers a spark of interest in me. What is a soul mate? A quick search on the internet reveals so many inconclusive things- beliefs that border on the absurd and the intensely romantic notions of two separate halves to be united. That the very purpose of life is to find "the one" is something to be questioned. Who is "the one" who is your "soul mate"? Some people believe that the person whom they are currently with romantically is "the one", even after all the failed relationships they've undergone. Even after all the "the ones" turned out to be "wrong ones" they continue to believe in that notion. We used to be four-legged creatures split into two by the old gods, fearing our power as whole human beings. Some beliefs regard soul mates as one soul, split into two, destined to search for each other in each reincarnation of their lives. Only then, after finding the other, will they return to God. Another theory is that we were all married in heaven by God, and after being born here on earth, we find the one God meant for us. Of all these theories I like the last one best because it would mean that there is someone for each of us, all we have to do is find them. I believe that we, as human beings, were never meant to be alone. If our God is love then He has always meant us to experience that love in our fellow human beings. A life partner is one of the best ways to fill that longing that has been engraved deep into our souls, whether we recognize it or not. To love and be loved is the greatest thing in all of the universe. It is important to recognize our soul mate when he or she comes along but what is the most important is making yourself into the best person you can be, the you that God meant for you to be, and the you your partner deserves. If you focus on being "the one" then "the one" will just come along naturally that's what I believe. Like flowers and bees. I met my soul mate in my dreams and I met him in real life. The one I was waiting for. I found him in you. I must be so lucky to find you so soon in this life. You have made my life more meaningful in so many ways. I cannot thank you enough. Although we may occasionally drive each other insane. I cannot love you enough, my soul mate. I will love you forever. 

A Sign from Above

188. You and I know that I am horribly guilty of questioning whether or not we were "meant to be together". I supposed it all started when you stole my kiss without any semblance of a courtship and I found myself with a boyfriend the following day. Perhaps it was also being your seventh girlfriend and having six other women to watch out for since the start and you being my first. You and I know that had I just a bit more mature and strong-willed, or you a tad bit "torpe" and less magnetic the entire universe would have conspired against us and we would not have been together in the slightest. Yet here we are still together after a good six years, still fighting. One day we had a horrible quarrel because of you know who. I was terribly unhappy not only because I  hurt you needlessly but also of feeling that you deserved much better. So much better than what I can offer you. So much better than what I did. Like a tainted, brittle, cracked glass, I was close to my breaking point that time. I took deep breaths and stopped myself from crying, sitting by myself in a bus, preparing to depart the station to work. It was a strange place to pray to the Lord and ask for guidance but that's what I did. I prayed my heart out and asked for a sign. Lord, I said, should I stay with him after what I did? Please give me a sign. Something. If he is still the one you want me to be with, let him come to me on this bus right now. Then at that moment you stepped inside the bus and we locked eyes. There never was a more heart stopping moment. It was nothing short of a miracle. I gasped in surprise and a tear escaped my eye. Thank you Lord, I prayed. That was fast. I'll take it from here. Since that day, I've always tried my hardest to make it up to you. I swore that I'd become the kind of girl that you deserve to be with; the kind of girl who unconditionally loved; someone you'd be perpetually honored to have on your arm. Someone to never hurt you. Someone you could always rely on. Someone who can always make you happy. Maybe make you laugh at times. Someone to be your friend. I pray for us even more now. I pray for us to last the way we should. To be forever together, for infinity. We will, I am sure of it now.  

The Sea Dragon

187. One fine sunny day in October, a fair came to our city and set up behind one of our malls. I had just returned from an exhausting unsuccessful job-hunting trip in Manila and found out from one of my classmates in graduate school about the said fair and its many exciting rides which could only be usually found in Luzon. Naturally, from the moment I heard about it, I pestered you constantly until you agreed to take me one evening. The grounds were jam-packed with so many people, so many of them couples and children. There was so much excitement around that you could feel the night air positively tingling. We chose only one ride, the sea dragon, because of the extremely long lines. It would have been impossible to finish all of the rides in time for a family dinner anyway. The ride resembled a smaller version of Enchanted Kingdom's Anchor's away which was akin to a gigantic boat swinging back and forth like a swing. We chose to sit at the farthest end of the boat so we could savor the exciting plunge. With the bright lights and exciting music, the boat started to swing back and forth and back and forth. Up and down repeatedly and violently. Then we felt it. That awful sensation of our internal organs  being dropped and taken back up again. It was nauseating. I was afraid that I might be tossed off the ride when it went up to the highest point and sustain some broken bones or puke my insides out. Luckily we were buckled up real tight. However, I still thought it was so much fun. I held on to you tight and you even took a video and a picture. You were more scared than I was. That was the funny part. But you felt so ill afterwards you vowed never to ride the damn thing again. It didn't spoil our appetite for pizza with your family though.

Shawarma

186. Let's have another blog about food! I haven't talked about our favorite eats in awhile so I shall dedicate this entry about another one of our our personal favorites: Shawarma. The best way to describe this is that basically it's like a sandwich wrap made of delicious beef and vegetables like onions and cucumbers, flat bread and some special sauces. The beef is placed on a spit and roasted and after a few hours is shaved off using a huge knife. Another variation we have tasted is the Shawarma rice which is exactly the same except instead of the flat bread, fried rice is used. This is topped with a fried egg and oozing white sauce. Incredible unhealthy goodness. Just a serving of this rice dish could fill us up for hours. However, I still think we prefer the original wrapped kind. It's much healthier and we could actually savor the vegetables and sauce. I like mine with some hot sauce because it just adds something extra. All in all, this is one satisfying side-walk treat that makes one's mouth water and one's stomach very much fulfilled. The only negative things I can say about this dish is that you can't seem to get enough of it and it gives you bad breath. Not good for kissing at all.     

The Puppeteer

185. I find it amusing how you form relationships with people in general. For instance, your charming arrogance immediately places people on guard and at ease at the same time. Paired with the deadly combination of humor and wit and intelligence, I observe that you make people connect to you and trust you so easily. And this is the part where you attach your invisible strings, unbeknownst to them. I don't think anyone wants to be on your bad side because you tend to be so menacing and manipulative when provoked. When you pull their strings, they dance. They follow whatever you will. And they aren't even aware of it. Even I fall victim at times. The willing victim.  I'm constantly in awe of how you maneuver yourself in sticky situations, and it always seems that you know exactly what to say. In line of this I'm left with the curiosity of how you handled yourself in the past when you were younger. To the time when your confidence was still building up. And your handling of people, women in particular, was still being polished. Were you as manipulative and charming then as you are now? I wish I could see how you were in the past. I'd probably fall head over heels for you the moment you took your shirt off stage at that school beauty contest you won and probably abhor your innate cockiness. You told me recently that if I wanted to see how you looked then, I should look at your younger brother because he too participated in such events. My curiosity got the best of me and I did look at his pictures on facebook. He looked almost exactly like you except younger. Great genes, I thought. He won second place. Your family was so proud of him as they were of you in the past. As they are now of the man you've become. I sometimes get the feeling that you'd very much like to return to your glory days and all the attention-getting activities you participated in. Sports, contests, student council activities and your overly active love life. The boy with the golden tongue. The one with so many puppets at his beck and call. But you've changed a lot, you know. You're so much more mature now then you were then. I wondered what triggered this change of heart in you. Was this just a part of growing up and growing older each day? Or a conscious decision? Or something with regards to the environment? But whatever it is, this is for certain: that I'll love you just the same. After all, as a master puppeteer, you sure know how to pull good strings. Especially with my heart.     

The Importance of Friendship

184. Having someone as a friend is like a breath of fresh air. Indispensable. Prevents us from feeling loneliness. Keeps our sanity intact. Problems dissolve with just a hand to hold on, a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, a smile and an open heart and mind. People need people. And the relationships we have with them are blessings to be cherished and nurtured. Friends are like angels sent by God to light our darkest days and share our brightest ones. They have seen us at our worst and our best yet are there through it all. They are the first ones to notice the glints of starlight in our eyes when we are happy and the sadness in our eyes, hidden behind a smile. The best and most important part of it all: they are the ones that take all our sorrows, regardless of their own, and try to make everything better for us, restoring that equilibrium in our lives. I've had many friends in my lifetime and a few close ones, each of them important to my life in their own unique way. Giving happiness and color in their own time, and receiving them in kind. Thank you for being one of my true friends. Sometimes I forget how truly important you are to me, not only in terms of love and chemistry but friendship as well. You're not just my boyfriend, lover and future life partner. You're my very best friend in the world. I think you're the one who understands me best of all. Though we do get into misunderstandings and disagreements sometimes, amazingly, you're still here with me, far longer than anyone has ever been inside my restless heart and have never once let go of my hand. I love you, dearest friend. No matter the words I utter, cannot even begin to compare the love in my heart for you- one that is unconditional and that will last for as long as I live. Nothing you do could possibly extinguish that love. Absolutely nothing at all. I will remain devoted to you and to our friendship.         

Spooky Memories

183. To a certain point, I loved being scared. Every single time there is a horror room I never fail to prod you to come with me. I like hearing ghost stories and it amuses me that although they make the hairs on the back of my neck to prickle and cause increased heart rates, it causes the skeptic in me to shut down and the imaginative side of me to come out and play. I find horror to be mostly psychological. And that is what makes it thrilling. I remember one time, at our annual school fair, the grand entrance of the horror room where a bloody, ghostly bride walked with two zombie flower girls around the school. It was splendid. I remember when we watched a horror flick at a friend's house during our free time. He was essentially a scaredy-cat even with such things so we even had to tie him up to keep him from fleeing the room as we watched the Ring. When we watched movies at the mall, we would hold each other close and tremble together in the dark together. You were just as scared as I was. The most terrifying event for you would probably be when you saw ghosts at our university and at my  house. But if you would ask me, there is wisdom in the saying that the living should be more feared than the dead. After all, given enough faith and positivity, ghosts cannot harm us. Facing a flesh and blood murderer, robber or rapist is a much more horrifying thing. It scares me to be in the shoes of families of victims who've died so brutally. It scares me to imagine myself or loved ones hurt in any kind of way. It scares me to death to imagine you taken from me because of a number of things like accidents or you leaving me for another woman. Nothing is more spookier than being in the dark. Alone. Cold. Hungry. As I imagine so many people are in the world. These are worse things than dying. It's the loss of dignity. It's so awful that many people go to war for it which only compounds the problem. Ghosts probably all watch these with dismay that they cannot do anything corporeal to avenge their own deaths and preserve the lives of others. So they remain as lost souls in my opinion. And every November 1 and 2, people visit their graves, some with a festive air, some with heavy hearts, to pray. And ghosts probably are thankful for that event that remembers them once a year- the event wherein the veil between the living and the dead are at its thinnest.

The Realization

182. Funny. I just realized an amusing fact about myself. I am a guy magnet. Not an ordinary guy magnet. An already-taken-guy-magnet. I attract guys who are already in relationships. Does that make me the other woman on all counts? Perhaps. Does it make me evil? I really don't know. Does it make me potentially attracting disastrous relationships? Yes and no. Just great. Even with you. I started out as the other woman. Yes, you didn't love your girlfriend then but the fact was that you were still in a relationship. Currently, there are even two guys who are in relationships currently flirting with me though they fully know that I'm perfectly happy with you. And there's another who broke up with his girlfriend because the more he got to know me, the more unhappy he got with his girlfriend. No, this one didn't fall for me much, it just made him so picky when it came to women. He admired the qualities I possessed too much that I didn't like the way he put me on a pedestal because I knew I wasn't perfect. I doubt that this one will ever be satisfied if he came across a perfectly good woman if he himself doesn't reform his own character flaws. And then there was he who should not be named. Well, that was just such a horrid affair that I refuse to speak about it at this time because it just upsets the both of us because this event only proved how gullible, careless and stupid I am at times. Of all these guys, I do think that only you are the only successful one I've had a successful relationship with which says a lot. One is that you were responsible and decent enough to break it up with your girlfriend first before you pursued me actively. And two is that you have such a secure view of our relationship that though others may come in the way at times, we will survive it no matter what. And three is that though you hate it that I'm so nice and friendly that I attract this much unneeded attention from the opposite sex,  you have never once reacted physically violent to any of them in the least. Jealous as though you may be, you handled all these quite maturely. I love that about you. And lastly, you think of the long-term, even more than myself which shows how invested you are in our relationship. I've realized that I should handle awkward situations with other men as careful and responsible as possible, being assertive though friendly but not giving much of myself away because it could be taken differently. There is wisdom to be had from learning the art of saying "no". In doing so, I am not only protecting our relationship but also myself. I may have not realized it readily at first, but I could have saved myself a lot of heartache by stepping away when the warning signals in my brain sounded. As they say, guard your heart for it is the director of your being. I have already given my heart away to you, therefore I cannot give away what is not mine to give anymore. It wouldn't be right. And it wouldn't be true. It is simple logic. 

Imagine A Different Life

181. From how much you've read about yourself in my blog, it's for certain that I think that your ego has bloated enough for me to tell you that it's time to get your head out of the clouds and into my arms. I've often wondered what my life would be like without you in my life. Of course, I imagined myself to be less confident than I am though I'm not certain I will be entirely unhappy. God has made me into a happy person, for the most part anyway. And I think I'm flexible enough to handle any trials that may come my way even without a man by my side. If you had taken up a different course, like Engineering, I think we would never have become a couple. If somehow circumstances were altered, we would never have been. What if you were happy with your previous girlfriend what then? What if somehow fate had this crazy idea to pair me up with a scumbag instead of you? What if I became an awful person in the end, I doubt my instability would have attracted you if ever we would meet. I would just be one of those poor "kanugon-sa-iya-gwapa-tani" categorized girls. If things were somehow just a tad different. Like if I had succumbed to the charms of another man with way more devious skills than yours, I doubt I would still retain my sexual innocence and playful wit. Or perhaps if you had given all of yourself to one of your exes, going all the way, I wonder if my jealousy would even be contained. You'd tire of me soon enough if I had that kind of attitude and I would be just a number. Number seven. You'd forget my name the way you did your number two, three, and six.  I rue the day that that should ever happen because if it ever did then I think it would mean the absolute end for us. Yet none of these things ever happened. We are now living in this concrete reality were we have miraculously been together for six years in spite of our obvious faults and unique temper-filled personalities. I think we've learned to adapt to one another. And that is the secret of this version of life with you. Compromise and communication. We are lovers here and not strangers. We are friends, not enemies. We are living, not dead. Although I am curious as to what life would be if things had gone differently, given a chance to change my life, I would still not have changed a single part of it. It's important for a person to realize how blessed he or she is in the life given to him/her because everything is given for a purpose. I am grateful for all the good and bad things given to me because somehow it has made me and you stronger and brave enough to form a future all our own. With faith and love, I believe we can do it and truly walk upon the path that was meant for us and not dwell on a broken road that leads to nowhere.    

Under The Neon Lights

180. A well-built man wearing a black shirt looked over us, seeing as we had the proper attire, he stepped aside to let us through. As we entered the metal doors, the faint smell of cigarette smoke immediately invaded our senses and the beat of the music from the speakers began to pound in our ears. We saw the dark shadows of bodies dancing closely to one another, gyrating to the rhythm, touching one another, shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip and all that jazz. Under the neon lights, indistinguishable from one or the other, friends and strangers, where the young and young at heart, spent their wayward Saturday nights. Welcome to a world where drinks flowed like water and flirtatious glances and pick-up lines from the opposite sex abounded. Hold tight to the one you're with, as he or she may be taken away at a moments notice, in a arms of another in the heat of the moment. We chose a table outside the noise and the people, near an ironic idyllic melodious fountain. We were with friends. We had just finished with one of our greatest achievements in life so far- graduation. Celebrating with one another and remembering triumphs and failures above numerous cold beers and pitchers of margaritas and cheese sticks. Glasses clinked with one another, pictures were taken, and guffaws shared as we started to become loose and undone. There was only one thing I wanted to do in this place. And it was to dance, to feel your eyes on me and your hands on my hips. To feel the eyes of others on us as they watched how much fun we were having on the floor. To feel ourselves let loose in a sea of shadows and desires. To feel your lips against mine as my world kept spinning and spinning. Never mind that it was the first time that we would be doing this. Never mind the guys making passes at me as I excused myself to go to the ladies room, I ignored them all. Never mind the smell of smoke stuck in my straightened hair and the sweat gathering on my new dress, I forgot all about that in that moment. Nothing mattered but you and the music. Under the cover of darkness, cut only by the searing neon lights, I was free. Savage. Undone. Pure satisfaction in your arms. And nothing to hold us back. Eyes locked, seductive and bewitching, we would remember this night for the rest of our lives.     

My First Heartbreak

179. I experienced my first heartbreak as a child of nine. I saw my crush, who was a chinito, being so very friendly to one of his female classmates during break time. They were just kidding around in the cafeteria and were talking so animatedly I couldn't help but notice. I stood up on my seat just to gawk at the scene that made me increasingly heartbroken and jealous. Why is he talking to her like that? I'm not sure I've outgrown that habit yet- of getting jealous over females that fawn over the object of my affections. Until now, it still causes me to raise an eyebrow and view the targeted girl with suspicion. But then, after your frequent reassurances and laughter, I relax and think nothing of it. Certainly there have been instances that warrant my undisguised jealousy like when you talk with one of your exes and she completely ignores my presence. It makes me wanna push her off a cliff. But seriously though, the first real heartbreak I experienced with you was when you walked out on me during one of our fights on our first year together. I hated you when you did that you know. I couldn't understand why you didn't stay with me so we could have at least talked it through. It made me feel like I was nothing and worthless. Like a cast off. If you could walk out on me then perhaps I wasn't so important in your life after all. After you cooled off a bit from God knows where, you found me in the cafeteria with one of my guy friends. This made you storm off once again. You were so irrational and childish back then. It was the first time I realized that this perfect being that I saw in my partner had flaws that challenged my patience to the brim. It was the first time that I contemplated breaking up with you too. I was young, I thought, perhaps we were not meant to be. But then again, perhaps we were. Though I shed a lot of tears I know for sure that life is uncertain. One never knows what to expect. Then, I expected us to truly break up, I was wrong about that because we're still going strong until now. With a gargantuan amount of effort that should be accounted for. When was your first heartbreak? I don't think you can remember. I only wish that I am your final heartbreak- the final heartbreak that would never ever come because I'm fully tangled up in you.   

The Warning

178. Today, after a month of inactivity, I've again placed my hands tentatively on my keyboard. Feeling renewed, inspired and invigorated after my two-week Manila adventure, I feel that it is now time to catch up on my blog. I've decided on the topic for today's entry: my father's reaction on my having a boyfriend. My family, conservative as it is, had mixed reactions on my having a boyfriend. My mother and grandparents accepted it as part of growing up though they also cautioned me the risks of being in a relationship this early on in my college life. They didn't have the heart to oppose because they saw how happy I was with you. They even guessed correctly that you were my boyfriend though I didn't declare it outright since I frequently brought you to our house. Besides, my brother was already on his second girlfriend and he was still in high school. You were handsome, charming and had good manners. You were perfect. So as long as I had no complaint with you, they wouldn't have anything to complain about either. I just assumed that my father felt the same way about you. Then came the shocking news that two of my cousins, one in Manila and one in Tacloban, were pregnant and unmarried. Though their poor decision-making skills had absolutely nothing to do with me and my brother, my father called us both in the living room and proceeded to lecture and warn us about our partners and about relationships and premarital sex. Me, especially since I was a girl therefore the weaker of the two sexes. I remember him being so mad that time and calling me awful names just because I had a boyfriend. He even called me a sl*t and told me to take my pills. My mother, bless her heart, rushed to defend me from him. He shouldn't have acted that way when we weren't doing anything wrong. He even threatened to disown me if ever I became pregnant. Me and my brother couldn't speak out, when we tried to we were just shot down because, according to our father, the only time we could talk back to him was when we weren't living under his roof anymore. It saddens me greatly that my father doesn't trust me and handle us democratically and I don't think I can forgive and forget those awful things he said. There's still a lot of hurt coming from this particular memory. Perhaps in time, he would recognize just what a strong person I've become and say sorry. I just don't know. Our father's side of the family are a hot-blooded lot, with a passionate undercurrent, so I presume he was just worried about me and may have said things he didn't mean. With regards to you, I think he is beginning to regard you with respect because we've been together for so long and you haven't gotten me pregnant in all that time. Plus, you already have a stable job now so it means more security for us as a couple. I doubt he is thinking that having a son-in-law like you is an entirely bad thing. You've proven yourself very responsible so far and I haven't once complained to him about you anyway. He must be pleased that his angry lashings in the past were taken into account no matter how hurtful it was to hear. Well, a father is a father.      

Music I Love

177. Sometimes I have bad days that causes darkness to loom over the horizon of my life. Then all of a sudden a light cuts through that darkness as a song begins to play from the radio of the jeepney I am riding. A day, that seemed hopelessly bleak, had now a ray of light that caused me to smile. Then flashbacks. The first day that we met. The time you feigned sleep on my lap. Our first kiss. You giving me a ring. You showing up at 5am on my doorstep. You making me laugh and kissing my hand. By the end of the song, I'd be grinning ear to ear, delighted and sighing. Songs that make me behave in this fashion are mostly love songs, country songs and soft- rock songs, all with wonderful, meaningful lyrics. Praise be to talented songwriters whose works cause me to tear up. Of course, on the top of my list is our love song. Then probably there is "two is better than one" by boys like girls or some Lady Antebellum or Taylor Swift or Rascal Flatts song. These songs somehow go perfectly with my changeable moods no matter what. I think they also go very well with yours. I picture us slow dancing at night in the middle of an empty road just like the movie "the notebook". I picture us walking side by side on the beach at sunset. Romantic yes? And all fantasies caused by these music. I'll treasure them all the same way I treasure our memories. Why? Because I know that even if I cannot see you, listening to these music will be the same as hearing your loving whispers to me. They're like a gentle caress upon my heart and a kiss on my forehead telling me "won't you smile for me?" Flooded with such warmth, how could I not?  

Play Pretend

176. I loved playing pretend as a child. I loved make believe cooking, living in cardboard boxes, thinking I was a unicorn and playing with dolls. I had a very active imagination and couldn't wait for playtime to begin each and every day. As I grew up, I still have that streak of the creative mind within me, now channeled into other meaningful things like relationships and life. First day of school in college I met my prince without even batting an eyelash. I danced in beautiful balls wearing beautiful gowns. I began to sincerely believe that all my wishes in my life could come true. That I would be happy with you and live happily ever after. Pretend that we were married and all we lacked was our wedding vows. Pretend to have children that would have my creativity and your athleticism and your eyes. Pretend to see the world from a bird's eye view of everything and anything and anywhere. Pretend that everything was alright though it was not. Pretend that I could be a perfect woman for you, the only woman who could complete the missing puzzle inside your heart. Pretend that I could be the perfect daughter who excels in her studies and in music. Pretend to be a perfect sister who always made her siblings felt appreciated or a granddaughter who had the patience of a zealot. Yes, I still definitely still had that imaginative streak in me. I played pretend for most of my life. I learned to speak but not speak my mind. I learned to hold back tears and bite my tongue and suffer in silence. I learned that I had to look the part of perfection though was far from it in reality. I think that's what draw you to me. Don't pretend that it's not true. I may have a heart like marshmallows but I'm not entirely blind. I love sunlight, butterflies and rainbows, but am equally comfortable in darkness as well. I think that's what draw me to you. I think that I actually started to live the day I met you; live not in pretense but in actual life. I didn't need to be anyone with you because you accepted me for who I was and loved every imperfection I had. I didn't need to pretend. I have never been so honest in all my life. You brought out the best and the worst in me and it was like a breath of fresh air. Here I stand barenaked, yet I am unafraid of getting hurt by you.  You've never pressured me into anything, never asking anything in return but my love. Do you know how that makes me feel? That I want to love you even more. Thank you for not letting me pretend anymore. I don't need to pretend because I am who I am. And that is enough. 

The Beauty of Goodbyes

175. I am not used to saying goodbye to loved ones. I've said many goodbyes to my father when he worked in Thailand and other countries and frankly, I always get emotional though I try not to let it show. When you told me that you were leaving for Manila, I supported you all the way. There was just a part of me though, that grieved for the fact that I won't be able to see your face and your beautiful smile. Every sunset from then on, I treasured with  you on my mind. We were growing up too soon. We couldn't stop it no matter how hard we tried to fool ourselves. It hurt but it was part of growing pains we will just have to endure. I tried to keep up a strong front, and I know you did too. I knew you were more nervous than me because you'd be in unfamiliar territory soon. Never mind that you were with your family, it wouldn't be the same as home. Your parents drove you and your cousin to the airport, with respective girlfriends in tow. It was a silly situation, because your mom kept trying to comfort us when it was obvious she was having some issues of her own. You didn't want me to cry when I said goodbye, but there was no stopping it. At my last look at you, before you checked in, you looked at me so lovingly, a tear escaped my eye. We kissed for the last time before you left. It will have to last for a very long time, I thought, this mere second- long kiss. There was never a more painstaking moment for me. The uncertainty. The long months I will have to endure without you. The night before, we had our last date together, and we cried and comforted each other. I cried so many tears that night. And you told me, it was good that I did because you didn't want me to cry so much at the airport. Still though, tears escaped my eyes in that moment. I'm such a baby, I thought, I'm so infatuated and immature that I couldn't control myself. I looked at you and though I told you take care of yourself and be careful, I'll be here when you get back, you can do it. I didn't want you to go in the least. I'm such a liar. To never feel your hands fit perfectly into mine. No, I reject it completely. Yet I told you to go. Why else do I want you to stay like I do? It's because every fiber of my being loves you. It was a sad time but it was beautiful. Saying goodbye to a lover is beautiful. The same way a sunset is beautiful though it signals the end of a day. I'm happy to have known love than to have never known love at all. I held on to the hope of you someday returning to me but for now it is goodbye. Goodbye for now. Goodbye to everything that I knew.

Few Words

174. I am in love with a man who has few words to say. He in turn loves me, a girl who also has more words than he could ever hear in lifetime. He may talk a lot to others, but those words that he uses just brush the surface of what he truly feels. Self control and propriety urged him to silence his tongue and to choose his words carefully, the same way he chose the people who surrounded him carefully. The same way he chose to love me from a room filled with strangers. With his magic tongue, with few words to say, he managed to enchant my heart.  I loved that about him. Charming and cunning. In the past, I used to be a girl with few words to say. I locked the real me away in the written word, and in the arts and it was only through my closest confidants that I gave my words freely. To reinvent myself, I forced this version of me to retreat, and let another take her place- a girl who had lots of words to say and who wore her smile as well as her heart on her sleeve and in her eyes. This girl faced the world like it was on the palm of her hand. You led her in a dance and taught her many things she did not know. She became stronger and less afraid because of you. She learned to love herself, even the one within her who had few words to say. There wasn't a more ironic pairing,  yet for an odd reason, it worked. You suddenly had so many words to say to me, and I to you. Bit by bit, these words became fewer and fewer. Storms came and went in time, and calm settled over us. Yet we did not care. It was enough for me and for you to know the words that filled each glance, each touch and each action. I love you. How can  these few words speak so much, I wonder? They resonate in my heart like a drum and fill my world with color and warmth. I used to think that speaking more words mattered when in truth it really didn't. What mattered was how those words made others feel. Did it make them happy? Or sad? Or ambivalent? Did it make them angry? Or uncaring? Did it make them laugh or cry? It's the heart behind those words that carry the impact. And it was your words that made an impact in my life. I am in love with a man who has few words to say. Words, though few, made such a difference in how I saw the world. 

A Slice of Happiness

173. Nothing beats a nice slice of mouthwatering chocolate cake. And here's our top two: triple chocolate cake with its gorgeous sinful three layers of various chocolate and cream and second, the pecan chocolate cake with its unparalleled, chewy, intense chocolate that puts all other chocolate cakes to shame. All from a great cafe called calea. It was a great ending to many of our dates and it left us quite full, and on the verge of going high because of the sugar rush that ensues. Just one slice was more than enough to salve our cravings for sweets. Sometimes, we can't even finish one slice because  it's just simply too sweet. Having coffee with these kinds of cakes is out of the question because you'll end up wasting your money because you can't finish them. The best beverage that goes with it is just water- that way you can appreciate the flavors more and it cuts through the sweetness so that you can endure till the last bite. The first taste of it is simply amazing but as time goes by, you just can't eat another bite because you've reached your limit so quickly. That's how sweet it is and that's why it's always best to share these kinds of cakes with friends, and better yet, one's lover. Chocolate has been longed thought of as an aphrodisiac after all. Happiness in a bite. And I think there's nothing better than to share it with you. 

All By Myself

172. When you were in Manila for three months, I realized that I had not a clue what do with all my spare time. With you gone, I didn't have anyone to date or just be plain silly with. I didn't have my anime buddy, movie buddy, cuddle buddy and all around partner in crime. I was incomplete. I had never realized how much I've depended on you to fill up my time. With you gone, it was like I had suddenly all this free time that I didn't want and didn't know what to do with. I didn't want to sit around waiting for you to come home like a hopeless princess in a tower. In spite of our constant communication through text, it just wasn't the same no matter what I did. It was the first time I went shopping by myself. I spent hours browsing in boutiques and bookshops, trying to find something I liked. The money that I'd usually set aside for dating, was suddenly available for other things like getting my hair and nails done since I don't watch movies nor eat at restaurants alone. I didn't even understand why I did those because you weren't around to complement me anyway. I even enrolled in a review class for IELTS just like you, though that was totally useless because I didn't take the exam. One night, one of my girl friends called me and confided that she was thinking about enrolling in a masteral program in nursing and she asked me if I wanted to join her too. I thought about it for a long time and talked to my parents about it and they agreed. I was going back to school again. For the first time, all by myself, I was going back to our school. Without you. I guess it was alright, our paths in life were different after all. I couldn't expect us to have the same opportunities and plans in every aspect of our lives. Somewhere along the line, it would still come down to me. I would still be on my own, independent and brave in making my own decisions. I would just have to get used to it. I still missed you yet I had to endure those long endless days. I endured my birthday without you though you sent beautiful presents through mail with much greetings of love. It still wasn't the same. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. I longed for you every second of every day. 

Start of Review

171. It was at our fourth year in nursing school that our in-house reviews started. A professional review center collaborated with our college and sent lots of talented and intelligent reviewers to prepare us for our dreaded licensing exams. In our vast lecture hall that had luxurious airline- type seats so comfortable for sleeping, we spent many hours listening, taking down notes, enduring endless mock exams and eating the delicious siopaos the reviewers were selling. Fighting sleep, the urge to chit-chat and to just leave to go to the bathrooms and play hookie was one of the challenges we face. Sure enough, the reviewers themselves tried to keep us in line with numerous attendance checks and penalties for lateness especially during mornings where we had to be at the venue at 7am sharp. Their tests were quite difficult but since their strategy was aimed at improving our test-taking skills it was necessary. Thankfully, unlike the present time, those tests weren't graded at all nor included in the curriculum. If they had, I seriously doubt any of us would have made the honor roll. During review sessions, I always remembered us sitting together with other classmates. You were my study buddy. It was fun reviewing with you and trying to rationalize the answers and being competitive with you during tests. It was even more fun when the instructors, especially the gay ones, had games to liven up the review and had made fun of those who were tardy. Somehow, all work and no play, makes even the most studious student exhausted which was why we played hooky once or twice. I'm happy that we decided to take our exams straight away after graduation because what we've reviewed was still quite fresh in our minds. Not to mention going through our awful experiences during filing for our exams at Cebu, but I'll tell that  story another time. 

The Dream

170. I once dreamed a dream that I lived an entire lifetime in one night. You were with me in this dream. And it is one of my most treasured memories so I shall include a shortened version here. 

The Queen of Light

There was once a kingdom made of light, precious stones and glass. It was a powerful kingdom with riches beyond compare and magic to protect it. As war descended upon other kingdoms, this one took in the orphaned, the wounded and the dying. Each household was to adopt one of these lost ones. There lived a family, my family, who took in a boy around seven years of age. This boy, with defiant eyes and a quick tongue and a quicker mind, was you. The moment our eyes met, I instantly knew that we would be forever bonded. As children, none could separate us. We were happy, you and I. And we became lovers as we grew up. 

As time passed, and our schooling done, as was tradition in our land, we would be presented before elders. These were the oldest, most wisest, powerful spirits in the land who were to decide the paths of our lives into adulthood. We were given different paths. Mine was the path of light and magic whereas yours was the path of battles. Our paths were considered not only different in rank, as mine was higher since it would eventually lead me to a place in the senate and a place to rule- a chance to be queen. Yours was the path of a soldier, who wielded no magic in his body, yet would use himself to fight and protect our kingdom and travel to distant lands. That night, during the festivities of our graduation, you told me I was beautiful and that you would love me forever but it upset you that we would be separated, more than that, it angered you that my path would expose me to unnecessary danger. You left. 

Years passed and soon we were now twenty-five years of age. I was a renowned sorceress and was a senator. You were sent to fight abroad, and were fast rising in the ranks as well. What you lacked in magical ability you made up for in cunning and your vast collection of magical weapons. We were both so busy that we rarely sent letters to one another at this time. A messenger arrived proclaiming good news- that the war was over and we had won it. A great celebration erupted all over the kingdom and preparations were made for the homecoming of heroes. As the gargantuan glass gates were opened, our world weary soldiers, were lead into the stadium and given the due honors by our queen. I searched the many faces of our returning heroes for a glimpse of your face. Our eyes met and I ran to your arms like a child, much to the amusement of the queen, officials and the crowd. Arms enveloped around one another, we returned to the castle to talk. Passionately, we kissed by a stained glass window inside my quarters and talked about my achievements at home and your exploits and the many scars and medals you had received. You were so proud to be the youngest general in history, yet again you discouraged me from proceeding with the plans in my own career. 

Our sweet reunion was interrupted by a goblin that attacked me out of nowhere. You defended me, but his quickness was too much and I resorted to entrapping him in ice with my power. You did not hesitate to use a show of violence to persuade him to talk. He revealed that I should give up my plans and warned cryptically that I should not be made queen. As I used my powers to scour his mind, I found that he had placed explosives around the palace which started to explode one after another in that moment. I found myself using all of my powers to hold the castle together single-handedly in a magical field that stopped time while you sought help from the stadium. When you had returned with reinforcements to aid me, you saw much to your relief that I was not harmed. The queen was with you and she praised my skill and power and thanked me. You saw that contrary to your beliefs, I was suited to my path and capable of protecting myself.       

Several years passed and one day, as our queen lay dying on the bed, the light from her body about to disappear, she handpicked me as her successor from all the candidates. I remember being distraught as she died quietly after she placed the delicate royal crown on my head. A dear friend had gone, and I was now responsible for every soul in the kingdom. It was a heavy burden for me but I bore it well. 

There was only one justice in the land, and that was mine. Being queen, I saw through every issue, every crime and passed my judgment. The moment that enchanted, intricately made crown was placed on my head, my body was enveloped in a strange but beautiful  light, much warmer and brighter than the previous queens passed. The honor of that crown, increased my powers a hundred fold and allowed me not only to see into the minds of my subjects but also see the truth that lay in their hearts. A guilty and lying heart could not stand to be in my presence, and would be blinded by the light. There had not been a queen as wise, beautiful nor powerful as I and many people from all over the land came to seek my counsel. As queen, there were few moments that I could have to myself but it did not stop us from being together in the slightest. Though we remained unmarried because of royal protocol, we did not mind it as long as we were together. My reign was peaceful, and you stayed by my side in the kingdom that we both loved. 

One early morning, I donned my white cloak and asked my imperial huntresses to join me in the hunt, a pastime I enjoyed. Bows and arrows clinging to our backs we ran like the wind until we were outside the kingdom gates. Along the road to the forest, we met a strange sight. A horse-less wooden cart was left in the middle of the road, a black sheet covering whatever it was carrying. I asked my huntresses to uncover the contents and we were shocked to find a gigantic pulsating egg within, emanating an evil aura. Within moments, the egg cracked and a full grown dragon that breathed black fire emerged from it and attacked us. We fought using our weapons and I myself did all that I could and threw powerful spells and magic. I even infused all my huntresses' arrows with elemental magic yet it was of no use. Even for one such as I, this creature was too strong to overcome. It caught me between its teeth and wounded me fatally. The guards that survived carried me back to the palace and sealed the gates from the dragon. 

You were shocked with disbelief when you saw me with my wounds. They explained to you what had happened. This could not be real. All the years, you had taken such lengths to protect me and now in times of peace this tragedy has struck.You held me in your arms, you shook me as I started to fall unconscious, calling my name. Your face contorted with grief and yelled for healers to come quick. But alas their magic could not close the wounds made by the dragon. We looked at one another, and we saw our lives flash before our eyes as tears spilled down our faces, mingling with my blood. I knew I would not last much longer and I whispered to you that I loved you. You kissed my forehead, my lips and begged me desperately, not to leave you. My vision grew dark, and as a slight smile came upon my lips, my light disappeared. I love you, you whispered. Everyone was silent as they watched us. My lifeless body, dark and limp, in your arms as you were rocking it back and forth as you yelled my name repeatedly like an enraged maniac. Your heartbroken cries frightened everyone. The queen of light lay dead in her lovers' arms. They too cried for me. The roar of the dark dragon could be heard across the land.  

My spirit watched what was happening in silence. I looked at you and back at the body that I vacated at my feet.I looked at the enchanted crown still on my body's head and touched it. I could not. I did not even leave a successor which was the greatest duty of a queen. The power of the enchanted crown would be forever lost. Many of my people will perish because of me. You will suffer most of all. My heart ached and I cried though no tears came out of me. I called your name yet my words could no longer reach you. Then I sensed something, a strange power,  calling me. The sword in your scabbard. I knew then what I should do. With my last remaining strength, my power as queen, I willed my soul into your sword. 

Through your grief, you felt the sword pulsate at your side. Slowly and with great care you took it out, and it started to glow very bright with the same radiance that was from me. You stood up and as you held the sword in your hand, you felt as if my own hand was holding yours. I am here my love, I whispered through the sword, I am with you. Something came over you at that moment, a sense of relief though fire still raged within your eyes, to the depths of your own soul. I will have revenge, you said, and I will find a way to return you to your body I swear it.

All knelt before you, pledging themselves once more to their queen and to you, their king. 

The dragon roared. The gates were flung open. A solitary figure with a glowing sword emerged. 

And I awoke.  
 

Losing the Ring

169. When you're guilty of something and hiding it from me, I had never thought in my wildest dreams how great an actor you'd be. You'd been hiding it for almost a month yet I never had an inkling of it. What's worse was that you chose our anniversary to confess to me about that mistake you made. It was our fourth anniversary and we had an outing to Mambukal resort. As we traveled there, you told me that you wanted to tell me something and that I had to promise not to get mad. Curiosity engaged, I agreed. And you confessed everything. You accidentally lost the ring I gave you as you were riding a tricycle. It fell on the road and was lost forever. You told me you tried searching for it but it was too dark. It was hopeless and your heart sank. How were you to face me? I remembered how I asked you where your ring was. You just shrugged and said that you forgot it at home; the truth was that you felt so bad about it. I never even had a clue! So that's why your ring looked new. It was because you went out a few days later and bought a new one with exactly the same design. I didn't even suspect that the ring was not the one I gave you. After you told me, I couldn't help but get upset. How could you lose it when it was on your finger? No, you said, it was on your belt. How could you lose it when it was on your belt? Silence. How could you keep it from me and lie to me all these days? And why tell me now of all days, I thought, when you could have told me earlier. I should have screamed at you and cried my eyes out in my seat. Luckily I didn't. You apologized again and again to me. As I sulked and glared at you with my ice cold stare, you tried your best to lighten the situation and tried to make me laugh it off. Look, you said, you tried to make the ring look old by scratching it. You told me that you also soaked it and washed it multiple times with soap to make it lose that sparkling silver gleam. Then you told other corny jokes and tickled me. I couldn't help but smile. I was impressed that you succeeded in that. You're so good at making me laugh. It's good to have a boyfriend who is willing to ask forgiveness for his mistakes and who is filled with humor. I made you promise to be honest to me from that moment on and to always confide in me about your problems. You shouldn't have had to go through those lengths just to buy that other ring. It was expensive and we were just students at that time after all. Losing that ring, I learned something about you. You don't like me to worry. We still had our upcoming board exams at that time when you lost the ring, it would have just added to my problems and would have distracted me. You would have been right in that aspect. So you waited until after the board exams, more than a month after, to tell me. That was quite considerate of you though I would have preferred the truth. But thank you for that thought. I took that new ring from your finger and proposed to you again. You accepted and wore the ring. There, problem fixed. The ring was from me once again.

Good Days, Bad Days

168. In the beginning although we were so aware of each other physically, we were still quite oblivious at times to each others' emotional undercurrents. Thing's are very different now obviously and we are so in tune to each other. Unintentionally, I wear an ordinary expression that is slightly out of sorts and you automatically ask me if I am alright and usually I am not because I'd be fretting about something. You read me so well these days that it's scary. Well, that happens on good days. Everything just flows like water. Good days are when the sun shines bright, the wind blows on our faces and we hold hands and the world is just clean, gleaming and seemingly perfect. No fights, no quarrels though there would be a little teasing, laughter and joking. We'd have little triumphs in school, at work and family matters. One look and we'd get each others meaning. Problems would be solved straight away. We'd lay in each others arms and just fantasize about our "somedays". One text and we'd reply right away. Always ending with I love you forever, goodnight. Happiness, gratefulness would be at our fingertips and we'd have a great rest when we closed our eyes at the end of the day. A far cry from bad days. Bad days are when darkness invades our souls and we see this world in a deeper shade of sadness. The days would be gray and stormy and no matter what we do we just can't seem to see eye to eye. You'd prefer to be alone rather than with me or anyone else. Our opposite qualities would seem glaring and irritating and we'd repel each other. The glue called love would sometimes not be enough to hold us together and cracks would appear. I'd clam up and not talk to you or do the opposite and nag. You'd evade the subject completely or harass me with inquiries, making issues bigger. Little  annoying things seem more annoying. Character flaws would be exaggerated. Things that have gone wrong in our individual lives we take out on each other instead of just talking it out. Everything just turns into one big drama-fest gone wrong. And when we'd wake up the next day, it would be as if all the light and love had gone out of the world, and it would be so exhausting. And have you noticed that our bodies would seem immunosuppressed and we'd look as bad as we feel. Ugh. Bad days are definitely the worst! The only thing good about them is the silver lining- the hope that things will eventually get better. And they do get better. It's a cycle, you see. Nothing stays the same. We cannot have good days all the time. Bad days don't last forever. And ordinary days don't stay ordinary for long. We've learned so much from each other because of those bad days, had they never happened perhaps we'd still be strangers. Those bad days are a testament of the times when our relationship is being tested. Stretched to the limit. Wouldn't you say that it's an accomplishment that we're still together after all this time? After all the problems, challenges and heartache? I don't think there is a love such as ours. And I'm willing to spend the rest of my days with you, whether they be good or bad. I think that mere fact shows commitment. I am committed to you though that makes be all the more vulnerable to be hurt. I know that I will be happy with you. And I hope you feel the same way. No. I know that you feel the same way. That alone, makes me happy. Being with you through the good and bad, that's what a real relationship is about. And as our lives progress, I only hope that we experience many more memories and beautiful days with each other.