Carnival Day

167.Visiting your home often makes me a tad uneasy. This was foreign territory to me akin to a strange land with strange new people. I could never have adjusted in a short time if I didn't observe you all to be such good people with good intentions. Loud, boisterous, fun and close. I've often wondered why my own family is so different from yours and if ever I'll get the hang of your family. But they make it so easy so I'd be a fool to worry. Before we went to your house we already ate at the mall yet when we got there, your mother had food prepared so we ate lunch once again. Did I mention she baked some brownies as well? Another gorge fest. Then your brothers appeared and they prodded you for some ice cream which you gladly obliged. And so, another gorge fest. Your father wasn't around though because he was busy with work. After watching a movie with your family at home, since it was your municipality's annual fiesta, we visited the site of the festivities and had fun with some games and the ferris wheel. I got to observe some local gambling games that resembled roulette. Your mother was great on it and it seemed as if everyone knew her. They probably did. It was also great playing shooting games with you. For a person who's short-sighted, you sure have a deadly aim to match your good looks. My aim wasn't half bad either. You bought me a simple metallic necklace that was amazingly intricately formed into my name by a talented man. He was so fast that it was great to watch. But it all went downhill during that ferris wheel ride. That ride seemed old and rickety and unsafe but for just twenty pesos we could stay up there as long as we wanted. And many others were riding on it anyway. It was so romantic to stay side by side and looking at a bird's eye view at everyone down below, so small they were. We were alone at the top of the ferris wheel for the first time. Then it turned. The ferris wheel revolved so fast that our insides felt like exploding on the way down. At first it was amusing but a few minutes later we both felt like throwing up that we signaled to be let down. All the food we had eaten, I felt going back up my esophagus. We walked around the cool night grounds to relieve ourselves from the stomach ache. It would have been perfect save for our rumbling stomachs threatening upheaval and the people looking at us. Well, we were a good-looking tisoy-tisay pair if I do say so myself. You explained that it was rare that they saw such fair-skinned people here with their livelihoods involved  baking under the sun by the seashore for hours on end. You felt proud having me on your arm, and I  did to. You lead me gently and showed me a world I have yet to explore. It was a very good day. You and your father drove me to the bus stop and I insisted that I would be fine riding alone though it was late and I had far to go. It would inconvenience you greatly as well but you insisted on me messaging you every step of the way so I did. When I was home safely and tucked away in bed, I went over the events of the day in my mind. It had been a good day indeed.  

The Fainting Incident

166. I don't usually have fainting spells but on this particular incident, I had one of my most embarrassing fainting spells  to date. Our group, group IV of our class, was lucky enough to be chosen for the Cadiz Medical Mission. It was a golden opportunity to finish our major and minor cases and we were so happy. Save for the fact that they let us stay in a run down, haunted house in front of the hospital, it was great. It wasn't so nice for those of us who had open third eyes though, they were thoroughly disturbed by the shadows, noises and ghosts of old in that house. I was saddened to be apart from you for one week though since I was used to seeing you every day at this point. Anyway, I was assisting in one operation, a cholecystectomy, where I was given the task as a retracting scrub nurse instead of an instrument scrub nurse. Somewhere in the middle of the operation I began to feel dizzy. And it wasn't because of all the blood as some would likely think. I wasn't afraid of blood at all. As my vision became a little blurry, a surge of panic overwhelmed me. You can't faint here! Not now. So I began to breathe as deep as I could, as my arms became stiff. I told the doctor, who coincidentally had the same last name as me, that I was dizzy and if it was alright if I switched with my partner who was on instruments. Perhaps he misheard me because he just laughed and joked "DC? Discontinue the operation?" Oh no. And then when I tried to tell him once again, my vision became narrow as a tunnel and everything went dark. The last thing I remembered was to let go of those two deaver retractors I had been using and let myself fall away from the operating table, away from the patient. When I woke up I was on the floor, with worried faces crowding around me-- my classmate, my clinical instructor, a surgeon and the anesthesiologist. They took off my mask and gave me some oxygen, gave me some candy. The first thing I said was "Oh no, I'm unsterile now. I'm so sorry." They rebuked me by telling me that I should be more worried that I fainted in the operating room to begin with. So I scrubbed out. My clinical instructor was so worried that he accompanied me until I was feeling better. He inquired as to the probable causes- did you not eat breakfast, are you feeling unwell? I told him I ate a hearty meal before the operation, and I felt just fine; probably it was exhaustion from all that retracting. He advised me to get my bloodwork done when we returned home. I broke into tears in the dressing room. I was so frustrated and embarrassed with myself. Would I still be able to get my case? When the operation was done, they let me come back and clean the instruments. Pitying me, they still gave me the case. So save for my pride and weak constitution, I was alright.  It turned out that I was slightly anemic. I just hope in the future that nothing like this ever takes place again. I really hate being a bother and a nuisance, making an embarrassment out of myself. When I told you this, you were also concerned and even accompanied me to the laboratory. I just want to put this incident behind me since the operating room is one of my favorite places for duty.  

The Phone Call

165. When we fight sometimes it cannot be helped that things sometimes turn ugly. We both have passionate and proud personalities after all. What I mean to say that we both can be stubborn and have to have our own way. This particular time, we were arguing about a particular friend of mine that you detested. You didn't want me spending anymore time with him because he was only using me for selfish reasons, according to your irrational thinking. I was crying and quite distressed in my room, I wanted to call you on my cellphone but I was surprised a woman picked up. My aunt at Manila. I had rung the wrong number. Embarrassed, I hung up. Then out of concern she called me and we talked about what was wrong. I couldn't help but tell her about my problems and seek her advice. She told me not to worry so much and she encouraged me to talk to you because it was surely unfair what you were asking of me. If you loved me, she said, you would not restrain me from my friends. I was enlightened. Girlfriends weren't supposed to do everything their boyfriends asked of them. Even you. No matter how much I love you, it doesn't mean that everything you tell me I should follow like a blind puppy dog. I mean, I like being lead, I'm a great follower, but I also follow my heart on making decisions of importance in my life. I don't go around telling you not to see your friends when you wanted to so you shouldn't do that to me. I still love you no matter what happens. I thanked my aunt because for even just a moment in time, she showed how much she cared even if we weren't close as relatives. If it weren't for that one misplaced phone call, I wouldn't have gathered my sanity and scattered emotions. That one call made me a little stronger where it counted. I should have a voice in our relationship too.    

Brownies Unlimited

164. Got a sweet tooth? We certainly do. And at times we'd satisfy our cravings for sweets at this particular stall at a shopping mall. They sell brownies, what else? They've got a nice variety of brownies and among them, my favorite is the one called walnut swirl. One bite and it will have you craving for more. They also sell some sambas and silvanas which are our favorite puffy, sugary, cream-filled treats. Somehow for a time, every time we watched a movie at that particular mall we would always buy some brownies along with our other usual movie fair. The last time I remember eating a brownie was when my mother baked some when she run a small bakery in the past. My mother's version was moist but had a crunchy top. Your mother, come to think of it, is always baking something sweet every time I visit. She made brownies last time I visited as well. From top to bottom it was moist, chocolatey and perfect. It always seems to me that loving a boy like you always lead to something sweeter and sweeter. Better watch out though, we may become diabetics if we're not careful. One bite is all it takes and we're off into calorie la-la land. Just look at what happened, just one taste of you and I'm addicted to your kisses up until now.  Oh, it's our anniversary again today. Six strong wonderful years. Cheers for us! 

The Dog that Lived

163. We both love dogs. When we met, I had a feisty boy-hating German Shepherd while you had around four mixed breed dogs at your house in Pulupandan. You came to school in a really bad mood. I could practically see a strange gray mist enveloping you in a foreboding way. Irritable, snappy, I knew something wasn't right and when I asked you about it you told me that your dog died last night. He was run over by a tricycle on the road and your neighbors hurried to your house to tell you. It was terrible because it was so sudden and your were so fond of that particular dog. Your whole family was in mourning, especially you and your mother. I imagined the horror and anger you felt when you found your dog, probably still twitching in pain, in a bloody mess. The driver of the tricycle didn't even bother to stop, had he done so your entire male- dominated family would probably have pounded him to a pulp. He was a creep, to say the least. You told me that his name was Domingo and he was the dog that frequently placed his head on my lap when I visited your home in the past. Your eyes became watery as you told me about him and you even shed a tear or to. Clearly, you were grief stricken. I comforted you the best I could. I remember that we drowned your sorrows in pancit and coke. I remember telling you that it wasn't your fault and there was nothing you could do about it. It was simply his time to go. What matters was that you would remember him in your heart; where he could still live on. He's in a better place now, I am certain of it.

Life of a Student Nurse

162.We were once student nurses. Newbies in the health world, at the bottom of the food chain, still clinging on to the aprons of our motherly clinical instructors. Hesitations abounding every procedure. Awe at ongoing surgeries and newborn births at special areas. Thousands of boring lectures. Refining our growing skills at the skills laboratory. A hundred reports, case studies, presentations and researches. Countless nights burning the midnight candle to beat deadlines. Dramatic and fierce competitiveness at the urgency of completing the magic 5- deliveries, assists, major and minor surgeries and newborn cares, that were all prerequisites for graduation. Community exposures where we braved all sorts of natural calamities while waiting for our pricey school bus. Being exposed to overly strict instructors, sour staff nurses, yelling doctors, grouchy patients, crazy patients who knew no personal boundaries and the risk of contracting infectious diseases like tuberculosis and Hep-B. Now the positive side of the entire thing. The experiences we've gotten were priceless in developing character, skills, attitudes and knowledge. We've gotten stronger and closer as a class. Teamwork, team-building experiences were priceless. We've met people from all walks of life-- families from selected communities whom we have given much-needed health education and classes, elderly patients from the homes, psych patients from the local mental health care institution, patients from various hospitals who had various conditions. Working for the first time with experienced staff nurses as they brought new life into the world at delivery rooms and health centers. The amazing feeling of assisting at a surgery and handling all those gleaming, sterile instruments and getting our gloves bloodied. The rush of urgency of activity at the emergency room where we learned to assess and carry out life-saving interventions in the nick of time. And to be a witness to not only of life, but also of death.  There are just some things that are inevitable and we learned to accept death as a part of life, and as nurses we needed to give those who died dignity even in death. Nurses are there for the greatest events of humanity-from birth through adulthood until death, during happy times, desperate times when the will to live is tested. Being a nurse is a heavy burden indeed. These challenges, we solved them in our own ways didn't we? And come graduation, we were ready to face our next challenge- the  dreaded nurses' licensure examinations. But that's another story all together.  

Family Portraits

161. I guess one of the family traditions we have during the holidays is our annual family pictorial. Aside from the food, and presents, it's one of the things I look forward too. It's amazing to see so many changes in my family across the years, immortalized by those yearly photographs. There used to be only me, I was the first and only granddaughter 22 years ago, and now there are six precious apos scattered across the country. Weight gains, weight losses, a flurry of hairstyles and awful style choices were evidences of a yearly struggle with identity, finding one's true self. And I think that is clearly seen especially with me and with one of my aunts. When I asked you if you did the same at your household, you flat out said no. Come the holidays yet you couldn't really say that it was a real celebration at your side of the family. Of course I understood how different our situations were, no one on your side is really intent in documenting family moments. I think I just naturally caught the capture-the-moment bug and applied it to our relationship. Have you every wondered how our annual anniversary pictorial started? I dragged you to the studio  in spite of your reluctance, teaching you how to smile because you didn't know you could. I just wanted the moment to be held in the palm of my hand, memories to last, even if were old and gray and our failing minds cannot anymore recall. I want to someday sit side by side with you and show you our pictures, saying, 'look hon, how great we looked together when we were in our twenties.' We'd show our children and our children's children these memories and prove to them once and for all how beautiful genes definitely run in our bloodline and say 'look kids, this was when it was just your father and I.'. Now isn't that a nice thought? I really want to keep the tradition and the love alive. Let's just do it. 

For the Love of Disney

160. We all grew up with Disney movies. I haven't met a person who hasn't seen at least one Disney film. I haven't met one kid who hasn't idolized at least one Disney character, be it from movies or television, in his/ her lifetime. Aside from being a cut-throat strategic money-making industry, this company from the start has always delivered in  terms of making children's dreams come alive. And even if these children have long left the fantastical world of make-believe and donned the mantles of adulthood and responsibility, their works are always remembered with warmth and then passed on to the next generation. Among my favorite films were Beauty and the Beast and Hercules. And I'd like to think that those two were among your top favorites as well. I remember you mentioning one time how you admired the complexity of Beast's character and how similar I was to Belle. And for the other, how I'd playfully tease you as my own Hercules and I would be his Megara. You had a favorite song entitled 'going the distance' from the film, it was truly inspiring and mirrored how we both wanted to reach our goals in life. I always wondered why their films were always just right. Recently they released Enchanted, Rapunzel and Princess the and Frog and all three were still so unbelievable. I imagine how much time and effort it takes to finish just one film and it astounds me. These were full-grown adults working like the seven dwarves in some part of the world, trying to make fresh but morally relevant stories for children. It's amazing. There is some magic left, no matter what the age, no matter how critical or skeptical we become. It's not all about the money. There is still a little child inside of us that will love the charming dreams spawned by them. I think we'll both love their films until the end of our days. 

The Song

159. You gave me this song last year for our anniversary. I thought it was so beautiful. So beautiful that it moved us both to tears. Thank you for taking time to make it and serenade me on that memorable day. I love you. I shall place it here so as to never ever lose it. Music by me and lyrics by you. There will never be one without the other.

Work in Progress

Megy, Megy I hope will stay forever

Remember this day for

I'll promise you that

I'll be forever

Loving, caring

hold your hand so tightly, baby

Oh please let me be the man

that you really want Megy

Megy when you cry

don't worry 'cause

I'll wipe your tears

Oh Megy, when you're down

don't worry 'cause I

will be your comfort

Oh baby Megy

when you feel so lonesome

I'll be there for you

Make you smile

and together watch the moon

and say

Megy, Megy I hope will stay forever

Remember this day for
 I'll promise you that
I'll be forever

Megy, Megy I hope will stay forever

Remember this day for

I'll promise you that

I'll be forever yours

Sinful Baby Back Ribs

158. I believe the first time we fell for this sinful dish was the day someone, though I cannot recall who at the moment, introduced us to Lord Byrons, a small restaurant in a neighborhood that only served what else? Baby back ribs. The place was modest, unassuming and was outdoors, located across the street from the owner's home. I couldn't believe something this great was being kept a secret in a quiet neighborhood, away from the hustle and bustle of city life. Someone could potentially make a ton of money selling this recipe, I thought. The meat was perfectly cooked and practically fell off the bone. The barbique sauce was delicious and the aroma positively sinful. One helping was enough feed the both of us. But if really hungry we usually opted for two, served with two or more helpings of rice. It was great. Other baby back rib places we liked was from Bigby's and at Pamilya Grill. All their back ribs were perfect and the only difference was actually in the sauces and the helpings. One was more sweet and savory. The other was a little on the sour and smoky side. Still incredibly delicious though. And what's great was that both Lord Byrons and Pamilya Grill offered this dish at economical prices. I really expected the one from Bigby's to be more expensive since you also paid for the environment, which was more on the high-end side but it was still quite homey and offered so many more enticing dishes as well. I cannot think of a more sinful, mouthwatering dish than this because it completely ravishes your tastes buds at the same time demolishes one's diet. Nope, I don't even want to go to the cholesterol content.

Candles and Roses

157. Choosing the final list for my 18 roses and 18 candles in my debut were quite a chore. The 18 candles were traditionally made up of female friends that have impacted my life and since I have plenty of friends both from highschool and college, it wasn't that much of a challenge as compared to making the final list of the 18 roses. The 18 roses were the men in my life that have really made a difference in my life or have affected my life in some way. Of course, the first rose I've chosen was my dear father, who after a bit of pressure agreed to sing me something for my birthday as well as dance with me. It was a special occasion after all.He was the first rose, the yellow rose. Yellow was his favorite color and is the color of fondness. The rest of the roses, I just chose white. These would be made up of my brother and other relatives and male friends. The last rose was you, of course, and it was red symbolizing love. You were my first love and there was no doubt in my mind that you would have the honor of that red rose. Then there was that rose that was not meant to be. You know which one of my friends was that. When you knew he was in my list, you made quite a fuss since you weren't in such good terms with him. For the sake of the event going as smoothly as possible, I had to remove him from my 18 roses. The things I'd do for you. I was very saddened by this because I really wanted him to be one of my roses since he was a very good friend. Which much apologies to him, though I still gave him an invite, I did not appoint him as a rose. I had to think of someone to replace him so I turned to another friend, who couldn't refuse me. Remember him? He was the tall guy, who was a good friend, yet was exhibiting symptoms of unrequited love for me. He wasn't trouble at all save for the fact that he was sulking in all the pictures and in the video. Needlesss to say, my 18 roses and 18 candles were all present at my special day. And all went as perfect as I could possibly imagine.   

The Perfect Gown

156. I've been dreaming of the perfect gown since forever. I dreamed that it was white, soft, smooth, and flowing. I dreamed it would have graceful butterflies on them and would be Grecian inspired. No, not for my wedding alone, but also for my debut. Luckily, I was given permission to design my gown and I did so, on a piece of yellow pad paper during one of our classes on a burst of inspiration. Although it would have spaghetti straps for it to be demure, the back was daringly low. There was a gigantic golden beaded butterfly hugging my lower back as well, just like in one music video by Leanne Rhymes. The talented dressmakers who usually made clothes for us for special occasions brought this dream of mine to life. There wasn't a gown more beautiful. On the day of my debut, I wore it with pride not only because it was everything that I had wanted it to be, but because you were by my side, completing the entire picture. You looked quite dashing in your suit. Many remarked how we looked like a recently married couple especially since I chose to wear white, the traditional color of brides. And in my mind, I liked it that they thought so because it meant, even in a physical aspect, that they thought we looked good together. On that enchanting night, with my beautiful gown and equally beautiful man, I felt very beautiful and treasured as I walked and danced. And that was more than four years ago. And I've worn that gown only twice. The first one was on my debut while the second time I wore it, we added a delicate white cape, and used for one Santacruzan festival. Sometimes, wistfully, I would take it out of its' box to air it out and see if it still fit me. It still does. Perhaps the next time I wear it it will be on my wedding day. It would still be just as perfect as the moment I first dreamed of it. 

The Second Proposal

155. Almost a year after you've first proposed to me in front of a Chapel altar, the ring that you've given me started to rust yet I kept right on wearing it anyway though it caused me a few allergies. You noticed this and shook your head. I shouldn't have given you that kind of ring, you said one day. I told you that it was alright and that I didn't mind. As October came upon us and the date of my debut started to loom ever closer, you thought it would be a great idea to have our own personal celebration before the event came. A simple date a few days before I turn eighteen. This was one of the few times I was late to our meeting place because I didn't get the timing right. You had something to do at your old school and we decided to meet up there instead of you picking me up. Needless to say, I was late and when I arrived you were positively grouchy. We argued for awhile and I apologized and we rode in the front seat of the jeepney in stony silence. Then quite suddenly you grabbed my hand, turned to me and asked me to marry you once again. You placed a new ring on my finger as you told me you loved me. My eyes grew wide and as you could imagine, I started to cry softly. Of course I will, I replied, wiping the tears away, bot you could have picked a better time and  place instead of inside a jeepney to propose! Damn you, for making me cry in public eye. Damn you, for proposing as the jeepney was passing through the market, with all its funny smells. If you wanted to surprise me, it worked well. I was more than surprised. I was shocked. And we laughed and giggled in our seats as we tried to compose ourselves in the front seat before people started staring at us. They probably were. The new ring you gave me was the partner of the one I gave you months before. My heart warmed at the thought of the trouble it took you to find it. I love you so much. And we went on with our date on cloud nine, worries forgotten with hearts open wide. I kept staring at the beautiful silver ring encrusted with zirconiums with delight. And we held hands with our rings for the first second time, rightfully together and in love. 

Movie Memory

154. One of the things I love about watching movies is the fact that there is something very romantic not to mention dangerous about being in the darkened room with a boy. I remember one time in the beginning that we were acting quite crazy and you pinned me to the wall as we frantically kissed. Luckily there was no one to see. It would be so embarrassing to be caught in that compromising position like deers in the headlights. We're nowhere near as wild as we were in the past though. Flames dying down true, but is still quite alive though controlled.   Sometimes it is frustrating how well-built your defenses are, because try as a I might you would never give up your self-control. I don't know any straight men with that kind of restraint even after so many years of being together. And that alone makes you special and a keeper. Our lives are significantly less interesting now since they've developed a well-established routine. When we do go to the movies at the present, we do no more than hold each other's hand and give a chaste smack on the lips, generally more attuned to the movie. We laugh and talk all throughout and you attempt nothing more. You tell me that you respect me now way too much to behave so carelessly with me in public and in private. Your maturity and general coolness of it all tell me that you're serious about me and that you're willing to wait no matter how long it takes. And I'm not only talking about the pinning-to-the-wall affair. I find that amazing. Where else can I find someone like you? Nowhere.  

Marathon

153. Instead of having our usual P.E. class, our teacher told us that she'd be requiring us to participate in a marathon being held in the city for the benefit of breast cancer. Everyone was excited for it although it required waking up very early to go to the meeting place which was in front of a certain showroom, where the starting point was. I remember this particular memory because there were so many late participants because of the early morning traffic caused by hundreds of participants from all schools, not counting independent participants. You had not arrived yet so as we started, I jogged alongside our other friends. It was a tiring event had it not been for the conversation. The entire thing lasted around two hours. I kept wondering where you were and I texted you continuously. You were very late. Then suddenly, halfway through the route I spotted you, standing by a tree. And without skipping a beat, you joined us. It was totally unfair because you only run through half the given route. You only laughed and said it didn't matter because you had already signed the attendance sheet. Since you were late to begin with, it didn't make sense for you to start from the beginning, so you took a jeepney ride to where we would be passing. Totally unfair. Afterwards, we enjoyed a simple but hearty breakfast together at a little carinderia you knew of. It was a new experience and we got to have a few laughs as well.   

By the Window

152. For as long as I can remember, I have always watched you leave my house through my bedroom window. After we've said our repetitive 'I love yous' and inevitable 'good-byes' I rush up the stairs to my bedroom window just in time to see you across the street awaiting a passing jeepney or tricycle. I would catch your attention, waving a final farewell to the last glimpse of you as you go. I always feel wistful as I do this because I honestly do not want to be parted from you, and partly because I worry a bit for your safety because you have a long way to travel home. How many times have I watched you walk away from me like this? It was never the other way around. You have never been in the position to watch me walk away. I was the one always left behind. Like the time you went off to Manila for three months. It was agony for me yet what kept me going was the mere thought and hope of you returning to me- the same thoughts I still have when I stand by the window, drawing away the curtains, to smile at you, wave at you goodbye. I would never have known the happiness of seeing you again and being reunited, if you never left. You glance at me for one last time, as you usually do, and mouth goodbye. I sigh as your figure disappears into the darkness of the road into the cold night. An hour later, I'd receive a message from you- I'm already home. Tadaima. Okairinasai. Welcome back; I'm happy you're home safe. I truly am.     

Friendship Revisited

151. Somewhere along the line to becoming an adult, I lost track of my best friends from high school. Oh, I knew where they were and what courses they were taking in college, but since I usually don't text unless texted to and was so busy with my own world and blossoming love life, my barkada somehow became distant. It became so rare to see them that get-togethers boiled down to only once or twice a year. My girls also had their own lives to live, I was aware of that. I missed them and would often wonder how they were doing. You filled that void  and I am ever so grateful for it. Though you didn't start out as best friend material, our closeness and your determination eventually paved the way for us becoming true friends. I guess I became one of those lucky few who gets to have their boyfriend and bestfriend rolled into a single person. When my girls ask me out, even though I know that I don't need your permission to do so, I still ask you. You just tell me to have fun and to be careful. When I encourage you to bond with your own barkada, you shake your head and reassure me that you're fine without them and that you'll only be wasting your money. Still I encouraged you because I knew that you missed them too. Every time I see my girls it always seems that although we have indeed become distant on some level, a part of my heart, my young high school self, beats anew in our renewed bonds. These women were my family, thus a part of me, and no matter where I went, we would always certainly remain friends. I don't even have to think so much of it. When I reflect on how different our set of friends are, it still amazes me of how complicated yours seem to be; how awkward the relationships within them are. Boyfriend-girlfriend speaking. Perhaps that's another reason why you are reluctant to see them. Frankly, I don't know how a friendship like that survives after a disaster. I really don't think it can be salvaged after being torn apart like that. But I don't like dwelling on the past because what matters is now. We would always have our memories with our friends, and our lingering fondness for one another no matter the time and place. If the friendship is true, then it remains until we're old and grey. You've become singularly the most important person in my life. The one whose name I've carved in my heart and the one I've chosen to hold my hand when it's time to finally go home. My lover and my best friend. I am glad you are here.    

Television Habits

150. Let's face it, we both love watching television. If hypothetically we lived in a house with only one television, we'd probably be fighting over the remote. No, I wouldn't say that we are addicted to this type of entertainment but it is probably one of the main things around the house that cause us to relax for much needed brain-emptying after a heavy work day. You love watching natgeo, discovery, history channel and abs-cbn. Whereas my usual fare usually constitutes of starworld, starmovies, hbo and axn for their excellent assortment of shows, dramas and blockbusters. Not that I don't appreciate learning and informative channels like the ones you mainly haunt; there were moments wherein we both tuned in to shows like mythbusters, dogwhisperer and fight science for the fun of it, shows that are so interesting and makes us both look at the world a bit differently. I remember during our first to second year of being together how we loved watching telenovelas and koreanovelas at abs-cbn during weeknights. We'd text each other all throughout the show and tell each other our reactions, whether it be silly, angry or astonished. Television shows actually helped us bond especially in the beginning. Later in our relationship, we liked buying dvd anime series and movies to watch together on the couch, a way cheaper alternative to a movie date and just as enjoyable. I find television a habit that should have limits. It's alright to watch shows but not for more than two hours at a time. I'm sure there are more productive things to do with one's time than just laze around making our eyesight suffer no matter how interesting the subject. Remember, homework came first during our school days. And now, our work, rest and relationships are more important than any show we could watch over and over. Time is precious so it shouldn't be wasted...so much. Besides, Samara may just crawl out of the television and scare us silly.   

Capping, Pinning and Candlelighting

149. It's tradition for student nurses to have a capping and candle-lighting ceremony somewhere around their second or third year. More than just  symbol of the nursing profession itself, the white cap worn by the female nurses and pin for the males, symbolize the honor and responsibility it takes when taking care of people. The lighting of the candle shows that we, like the lady of the lamp Florence Nightingale, could be a light to others; a source of inspiration and compassion, especially those who are suffering and in pain. Although people from other  countries may think that the cap is dated and a mere decorative item on one's head, I think that it is more a symbol to other's how serious we are about our professions. However, the down side to using a cap during duty is because one may actually be harbouring infectious pathogens on one's lovely heads. That is one of the reasons why first world countries don't use caps anymore, only scrub suits which I actually like for their comfort. Anyhow, we had this ceremony during the first semester of our third year. We all wore our white student uniforms and since we were so many, we resembled a sea of white. It was very moving to see so many of us getting capped and pinned by the different clinical instructors, head nurses of hospitals and deans coming from different colleges. Then we lighted our candles and recited our pledges. I was so proud of the both of us and the rest of our classmates. We were going to start having real duties from now on. Five days straight, different hospitals, different areas, different patients, different clinical instructors with different personalities and ultimately start honing our skills as nurses. Previously, we were only having one-day-a-week duties practically with nothing to do but stand around all day taking vital signs and getting oriented. From this day forward it would be different. People would be expecting a lot more from us, and watching us with hawk eyes for the slightest mistake. Still, I was excited and proud for all of us. We were halfway there. 

Eating Eggs

148. I never noticed it before but I've just realized that eggs are part of our daily existence. Other than being a part of everyday breakfast fare, it makes everything just a bit more special with its good cholesterol content and general richness. Its' versatile and could be cooked in any way possible. One time when you had taken a nap in our guest room, I decided to make you an cheese omelet as a snack when you woke up. I thought that waking up to a nice home cooked, warm meal would be a loving gesture. And you agreed. You thought it was delicious and an ultimately sweet gesture. You even said you'd love waking up to the smell of my cooking in the future. I told you that you should love it because it would happen rarely because I usually don't cook. I credited the nice taste of the omelet to the evaporated milk and cheese, pepper and the perfect folding. I think everything, no matter how simple, tastes better with the right amount of condiments. Another type of local delicacy using eggs that we have around especially during fairs and festivals are the baluts and pinoys. Is that spelled correctly? One is basically a chick a few days old, cooked in its own amniotic sac so when you crack the shell and sip its' contents that tastes like soup. I really like the other one with the egg yolk the most because it doesn't have the presence of the actual chick with feathers inside and the still-hard egg white. Other eggs that I am fond of are quail eggs which are usually sold by sidewalk vendors either boiled or fried with flour called kwek-kwek, smothered in sweet-sauce if one so desired. Simply delicious. I remember from the my childhood, my grandmother used to make these delicious deviled eggs for family parties. It's too bad that she can't anymore because I would have loved for you to taste it. Yes, indeed eggs is, was and will be part of our everyday gustatory lives. I only pity the poor chickens who live only for the purpose of egg-laying to fill man's all- time favourite dish.    

Remembering the Others

147. I don't know why is it that every now and then I keep asking you about your girlfriends. Owing to the fact that you had so many before me, I guess I would indeed be mighty curious. Well, it may also spring from a masochistic side of me because I like to compare notes when they may be better than me, essentially to make myself jealous over nothing. A few questions you don't really mind since you find them amusing but when I keep prodding about those good ol' days you get increasingly annoyed especially when I asked about very personal and revealing information. After my eyes tear up and my voice cracks from the hurt of new knowledge, you then keep reassuring me about how perfect for you I was and that I was one of the best decisions you've ever made, that I was the most sensational; in other words, I was really pushing your buttons by faking insecurity at first and then being truly insecure I was of them. It would start out innocently and then escalate into a full blown argument and that has actually happened a lot of times. I don't know why I put myself through it and then wishing I had similar stories to tell but I didn't since you are my only boyfriend. At times I found it unfair, having only one boyfriend and no ex-boyfriends, therefore knew nothing about relationships other than I one I was in. You dared me to find other men but I refused since it would only mean hurting myself and you. Then I would see the light. Those 'others' were but shadows now and I shouldn't be threatened by them any more than you should be threatened to advances made by other men on me. It is nice to feel your possessiveness at times though. Human beings are territorial creatures after all. So if hypothetically one of your exes, particularly the one you called bestfriend, tries to date you once more, I shall skin her alive using a spoon. 

P.A.N.T.S.

146. I taught you this simple game, that I have known since grade school. Once again, we played it simply because in between classes we had nothing better to do. I think we even sneaked a few games during classes when we were seatmates since the game was on paper. The P was for place, A for animal, N for name, T for a thing and S for the score. We each took turns at choosing a letter for the alphabet and had a few seconds to think of things, places etc. that had that as a first letter. Once everything was written down, the player should say pants. It was so much fun that we laughed so much when we tallied up the scores. Sometimes you won, on account that you knew more places in the world than I that started with hard letters like W, V, X, Y, Z. It has been ages since we've played that game but the memory of it still warms my heart just like the other games we've played.

Winning Your Love

145. You've told me in the past that one of the qualities that has attracted you to me was my vulnerability. What does that even mean? I've asked myself time and time again. At the start, did I make the impression that I was so weak that I needed constant protection?  No, not weak, you said. Innocent. Thus, vulnerable. I considered this because I was indeed far too innocent and cloistered in the beginning. I didn't believe this trait to be attractive yet I magnetized your attention as Guinevere did Lancelot with it. What I realized that,  I immediately recognized that you had that chivalric streak. And you had it deeply engraved on your emotional armor as you rode about on your horse called 'confidence'. You needed someone to protect and admire. By chance, your eyes had found mine that faithful day and have been watching me ever since. I admit that having you, dear Lance, by my side is very reassuring because with every step I took into the unknown I was aware that I needed just a little courage to push me in the right direction. Even if it meant going in the very direction you wanted me too, being very gentle and gracious about it though secretly manipulative. I frankly didn't know what hit me. I fell for you and soon, when I wasn't so vulnerable or innocent anymore, I saw a change in you. It was a good change though. Your clasped hand opened and you let me go my own way. I found my voice and then I returned to your side, no longer being lead by the hand, but walking with you side by side. You weren't as strong as you thought and I wasn't so weak. Our relationship became a true give and take relationship with both parties, trusting, accepting and depending on each other. And we won each other's love and respect.      

Jersey Girl

144. In one of my entries, I have mentioned how I love the scent of you. I went so far as to preserve your perfume on one of my hankies by sealing them in plastic inside my cabinet. You knew of this little quirk of mine, so you gave me a gift. One of your old highschool shirts. Actually, it was more like a sleeveless basketball jersey that was bright yellow, with blue lines and held your favourite numbers, the good ol' ten. You've only seen me wear it once or twice and usually only at my house but that didn't mean I didn't appreciate the gift. I giggled the first time that I wore it because it somehow still smelled of you, which I really liked. No, not the disgusting sweaty smell of man just the pure freshness of manly pheromones. When I wore it, I felt like you were hugging me and that made me very happy and warm inside. Then I wondered how many games had you played in high school wearing it. How many victories did you celebrate with this jersey? How many agonizing defeats? To belong to a team, is a great experience that forges bonds, sharpens skills with healthy thirst for competitiveness. This jersey, I thought, was like a trophy to you yet you gave it to me. It was like you were sharing your old life with me, and I felt honored. Though I wasn't a part of your glorious memories then, I would be from this moment on. 

Siblings

143. Today, I shall talk about those little creatures that hover in our homes in the form of human beings having the same parents as us, sharing our lives whether we liked it or not. Our siblings. I come from an average sized family. I am the eldest child, and the same goes for you. No wonder we both take responsibilities seriously. I also have a brother and a sister, who is the youngest of our brood. She's ten years younger than me and so made her the apple of the eye of our father. She's generally nice and well-spoken though a tad insensitive and absolutely atrocious when pissed off. She loves Japanese anime, like me, and values her friendships and family. I see her blooming into a passionate woman in the future, after she gains her self-confidence. My brother, the middle child, is the wildest of us and I frequently wonder if he does it to grab our parent's attention. He drinks, smokes, is in a band and has had many past girlfriends. He's changed courses in college. He's actually quite intelligent but sorely lacks the motivation to perform well in school. He values his freedom highly and could be a gentleman if he wished it. He's improving though, right before my very eyes. He's well on his way to becoming a real man. One thing that we definitely have in common though is our love for music. We can all play at least one instrument and can be found listening to music almost all the time. I cannot say that I have such a tight knit relationship with both my siblings though we get along easily enough. You were right in your observation that we each had our own thing, our own space in the house. It doesn't mean though that I love them any less. Does one have any choice  with matters like this regarding family? No, I didn't think so. You, on the other hand, have three other siblings. All boys. The one next to you, from my point of view, is intelligent, capable and talented. On the down side though is how he doesn't handle responsibilities nor relationships well. He has the tendency to be a little conceited as well from too much confidence. The brother next to him, I find quite handsome, talented and intelligent. He's like the moreno version of you, I think. Though still a bit irresponsible, he is considerate and kind, which are two great qualities in a guy. Your youngest brother is in in his last year as a grade schooler, but  he's far from outgrowing his child-like qualities. He's the apple of your parent's eye, as usually is the advantage of the youngest child. He loves food and playing computer, and he is always so very warm and welcoming to me though painfully shy at the beginning. What I admire in you and your brothers is your sense of togetherness. You have so much fun together and it's clear that you're all very close and open to one another, with you at the helm. And at this point, I have to mention how big and tall you boys are when you are together, that I always feel so minute beside you. But even so, you all radiate that sense of warmness that I feel as if I was already a member of the family, a sister they never had. One trait that I like about you is how parental you become towards them. You always take care of them so well, and usually don't think twice with regards to sharing what you have, monetary and morality-wise. I'm sure you've had many issues with them and I imagine there were lots of sibling rivalry between you but somehow you all turned out alright. Especially you. You always encourage them all to be responsible and excel in their studies. I think you'd make an excellent father one day, regardless of everything. Every time you invite me to one of your family outings, I always look forward to them because it's a chance for me to get to know your family better. I honestly have no problem with your siblings so I hope that you don't have any issues with mine. Acceptance, I believe is the key to any lasting relationship. There are just things that one cannot change and that includes that people you've grown up with. Any eccentricities, any negativity is just thrown out of the window and one is left with someone, your own flesh and blood, staring back at you with eyes that are the same as yours. No matter what problems and challenges they bring, you still give them the support and guidance they need, no matter how undeserving. That's what brotherly love is all about. 

Just Shake It

142. We love shakes especially when they are from Zagu. Yes, delicious shakes of different flavours with black sago pearls for that chewy extra little something. If that isn't enough, one can even add more little extras like crystals or gulaman, rice krispies, corn, beans and choco bits. I cannot count the times we've sought this drink during our dates. Your favourite is of course the ultimate mango which is perhaps the most popular flavour on the market. And mine is of course black forest which I adored the moment I felt adventurous enough to sample it. I usually opted for the regular sized one while you prefer the manly grande size which I felt had too many calories to count and that I couldn't possibly finish alone. Somehow the only shakes we've managed to put up against this delicious temptation are the krushers shakes from kfc which is more expensive but tastes more rich because of the added yoghurt. Needless to say, we've had our fill of guilt-filled calorie-laden shakes and now it's definitely the ripe time to move on to more healthy drinks. Like water or tea or perhaps some carrot or green mango shakes or juices. Something rich with vitamin C. Don't you agree?      

The Adding Game

141. One of my best friends at high school taught me this game. It was great fun especially during break hours at our school. I taught you this game and somehow it was one of the things that have save us from complete boredom at college. It was really simple. It was played by two people who each took turns. Each person starts out with 1 finger per hand, usually the index is used first, that equated to 1 point. In each turn, the player has the option to 'add' the points on one hand to his opponents' hand with a tap of his finger/s or add it to his own other hand. When the points reach five or more the hand is out of the the game. The goal was to be the only hand left. You were far better at the game than I. And I would either squeal in annoyance at you or grab your hands or tickle you every time you won a match. I should have expected it since you were good at math and could adeptly calculate mentally. Well, to be frank, I won some and I lost a whole lot, including my pride. I did not regret teaching you though since we both had a really good time from it. Perhaps we could come up with our own game one of these days. Something not involving math though because clearly you have the advantage.    

Pokerface

140. I don't gamble,as a rule. Except when it comes to poker. I'm surprisingly good at it. I once beat ten boys and won the pot money and then I withdrew from the game with my winnings to give them no chance to hit back.  I'm a safe player. I first learned the art of poker from you and practiced my skills at the Texas hold'em poker game from Facebook. It took awhile for me to get a hang of it but once I did I became quite a decent player. All thanks to your patience for teaching me. Being a woman of emotions, I discovered that the most challenging part of it was holding the pokerface expression. I was bad at it but used it as a tactical defense and surprised them with straights and flushes and full houses galore paired with sheepish grins. You on the other hand played more risks than I and as expected, wore the pokerface expression better thus were a great bluffer. You're also a better loser than I am because you rarely get so upset since the stakes are usually very low when we play. I sulk a bit when the game doesn't go my way. One never knows what cards you get dealt with and you play with what you have or you fold. It's the same with life. It's the same with us. Had I not responded to your advances or felt the spark I doubt we would be together. You were one gamble I was definitely happy to make.  

Too Much To Handle

139. During our early years, drinking alcohol was something I looked at with both curiosity and disdain. It was probably because some men became rowdy during drinking sessions and ended up doing or saying something stupid that has become cause for shame. It is true even for some women as well. Certainly, I have had a few awkward moments myself.  Even I haven't seen you truly drunk until that one time a few years back. And it was during that time that I was finally comfortable with alcoholic beverages at social gatherings. You changed that outlook completely with that horrid behaviour that made me question my sanity. We were celebrating at our hotel room that our board exams were finally over when you had too much to drink that you started to act differently. The first symptom was how you were transformed into a fatherly figure before my very eyes. You began to talk to the new boyfriend of one of our classmates and proceeded to lecture him about topics ranging from respect, trust, propriety and what would happen should he hurt our precious classmate. Fatherly much, we all thought. Thankfully the guy was understanding and just went along with you. When I tried to stop you from drinking more, you accidentally slapped me across the face. It was painful but I forgave you because you were totally out of it. Then the second symptom appeared: the constant denial of drunkenness. You simply refused to stop drinking because you still felt fine and just a tad bit tipsy. Then you proceeded to have more shots. Then the third symptom appeared: you began swaying in a strange manner and began to lurch, threatening to discharge all of your stomach's contents on the hotel room floor. Well, we tried to get you to stand up because everyone was sitting on the floor cross-legged. In the process, someone knocked a bottle of vodka to the floor, and to my horror you vomited all over yourself. It was awful. It took all my strength to not vomit myself from the stink you caused. Me and two other friends, one guy and girl, helped you to the bathroom and let you sit on the toilet. We debated as to what we were going to do with you. Your body was still swaying and I think you puked some more and you were mumbling something incoherently. When we asked if you could handle cleaning yourself up by yourself, you nodded so we left you alone for a few minutes. Then I took the time to cry on my bed with my friends soothing me. Was this the man I was going to marry someday? This is wrong. Plain wrong. But still, I was the girlfriend so I had to take care of you. You would have done the same for me. I opened the bathroom and I saw that you were not doing anything, just sitting there in a pool of stink. Everyone agreed that you had to be cleaned up and that I was going to be the one to do it since I was the caring dutiful girlfriend. They helped me take your clothes off but that's all they did then they left me to clean the partially unconscious you up. I had a desire to take a picture of you at this point just to show to you the next morning what you've put me through. But I didn't because I thought it may traumatize you for life and may hold a potential for blackmail. So I wiped all the vomit from you, then showered you using a 'tabo' followed by shampoo and soap. I was a nurse, I kept telling myself, this doesn't bother me one bit. I towelled you off and I was about to ask help from my friends but most of them had already left for dreamland. What a helpful bunch they were. Luckily one guy friend was still awake. It was too much of a hassle to clothe you in your state so we just wrapped you up with a towel and hauled you off to bed. I slept in the bed beside you with a girl friend and she heard me whimpering throughout the night because of the loss of my usually iron-willed, conservative, practical boyfriend. Well, imagine your surprise to wake up this morning without any clothes on. You actually thought I took advantage of you. Not a chance with all the puke involved. You went to pee and put on decent clothes and was shocked by the carnage in the bathroom, as one could imagine. Wow, you thought, someone was really hung over. Imagine your shock when we told you that it was all you. Great, you couldn't remember a thing. I didn't really let this incident go for a long time, to your absolute dismay. It made your skin crawl every time the subject was broached or hinted upon and you would shake your head in denial. I think everyone got a good hearty laugh at that. And I'm sure that you're never getting drunk in this life ever again which is a great thing for me. Please never ever put me through that incident ever again. It's too painful. 

Sleeping Positions

138. I've always been fascinated by how people sleep. Some people believe that our sleeping positions actually reveals our personalities inside. From the several times I've seen you sleep, I've deduced that you predominately prefer the fetal position, curled up to one side with a large pillow between your arms or legs. While I, on the other hand, prefer lying on my back, arms tucked behind a pillow, feet apart but somehow during the night I too drift into the fetal position. When we cuddle or nap together, it's either you envelope me in a half hug, which I really like, or a nuzzle-spoon type position wherein we're both curled up in each others arms with my head close to your neck, arms enveloping each other and our legs intertwined. Individually, the fetal position suggests a degree of shyness or toughness on the exterior, but are actually quite sensitive and warm on the inside. My position, that some people call 'starfish' position, indicates a person who is quite friendly and open, always ready to listen and give advice which is true. As a couple, studies suggest that when a man half-hugs a woman it means that although he's laid back, he's still willing to give in to the woman's needs. And with regards to the second position, it simply means that we crave intimacy from one another and that we're both a little possessive with each other. Also true. A rendezvous in  bed with you is one of the greatest things I've ever experienced. Feeling your warmth up close, enveloped in your scent is just intoxicating. Intimate skin on skin body contact with you minus the naughtiness is single-handedly one of the most relaxed states I've been in. A feeling of total fulfillment that I could possibly want nothing else of the world but just that very moment with you. Like we belonged together. I've never had a better night's sleep in my life. As I've said before, a fascinating subject.   

Phones: The Good and the Bad

137. I have to say that technology, particularly cellular phones, have played their role in the development of our relationship. Perhaps in our modern world, only a few can bear to leave their phones at home or live entirely without them because it has become akin to having one's arm ripped out. Phones have become such a necessary part of our day to day lives that we spend a lot of money on loads, on maintenance, repairs and given a few years, new ones. Come to think of it, from the start of our relationship, how much have our phones actually cost us? I think a great deal more than we'd like I suppose. But, we take that all in stride because without those expenses, it would be dreadful to not feel connected to you even in some small way. What if there was an emergency? What if there was something important that needed to be said in the dead of night? I remember our phones back when we first met. I had the smallest plastic phone, brand Injoy, that looked like a toy, and typed so slowly that I had to wait a full second to type the letters. It required patience. Your phone was a rather large Nokia that I often called a ladybug that you often dropped. Funny, I don't even remember you asking me for my number. I had a weird feeling when I saw those numbers for the first time on my screen, I knew it was a boy texting me. And I instinctively knew it was you and felt the first pangs of 'kilig' and girlish fantasies acted up quite nicely. I knew you were interested though I wasn't sure. I warned you that I wasn't an avid texter and others would become frustrated with me because I don't usually reply to nonsensical texts, only important ones. You and I, unsurprisingly, became textmates. We soon became very close. We usually texted each other if we were home already, to make sure we had both arrived safely. When our little chats became intense or flirtatious in nature we could go on until the wee hours of the morning as I recall. Thank God for unlimited texting service. It was the only way we could stay connected since you didn't have a landline. It does have its downsides though. You and I would be frustrated with each other if one did not reply quick enough due to oversight, battery loss, signal or loading issues. We would misunderstand each other and that led to arguments. Though cellular phones were most definitely great means to air out our issues, it sometimes made it challenging because it did not give us time to cool down our emotions. How many times have you thrown your phone in anger at me? How many times have we said such harsh words to one another only to regret having said them later on? Although it does give us some time to edit our messages prior to sending, when it's sent however, there's no turning back. One can go over and over a particular message reliving the hurt and the insensitivity of the sender. There was even a time that I deleted your name from my phonebook out of anger. Another time, I edited your name and made it into 'nonexistent boyfriend'. All too dramatically juvenile I believe but that's how it was. I am thankful that in spite of all that, we've survived. And still texting each other, closer than ever. People have a remarkable way of communicating through technology that constantly amazes me. Though in many ways it has made lives easier and made relationships possible and stronger, it also is a vehicle for many dastardly encounters and opportunities to make things harder than it ought to be. Nothing can beat the old reliable face to face encounters. It's better than getting any smiley face or a lol on a screen.