Pageants

46. When I see pageants on television, I would normally gawk at all those men and women and their seemingly perfect bodies. I did not envy them, I just admired their outstanding physical features and used them as motivators to psyche me to be physically fit. I secretly wanted to be in a pageant however, it just wasn't in my schedule to do. If one asked me to sacrifice my academics, then my answer would be an absolute no. It was a little strange when I found out that you were in a pageant yourself when you were in highschool. You had so many activities yet you even had the time to participate in one. You won that pageant. While you were telling me, I noticed a mixture of pride, shyness and even shame rolled into one coming from you. When I asked you about it, you told me it was because you recalled all those 'agi' or gay men, prepping you for your time on stage, doing your hair, placing oil over your body, touching you in places I need not mention and openly showed  their enjoyment while doing so. They made you look good, but you hated it. You showed me the video, which is now missing, of that pageant and I was shocked at how lean you were and even more boyish than you were now. I must say that seeing your body during the swimsuit competition was mouthwatering with that confident stride. I thought your answer during the question and answer portion was brilliant. No wonder you won, for the male category. It was even published in a newspaper, was it not? I was proud of you, yet I sighed at the thought that I would never get to enter such events. The one time that someone prodded me to join, I just smiled and politely refused because I knew the elimination round would fall on an exam day and since there was a swimsuit category, my father would absolutely kill me if I joined. Nevertheless, I think pageants are frivolous affairs. There are better things to do with one's time than parading around. Anyhow, now that I have you, your eyes are the only pair I want watching me.  

Let's Face It

45. Your fascination for my skin habits led you to some awareness of the importance of skin care. When I mentioned in an offhand conversation that I recently had a facial treatment, it really triggered your curiosity. What is that? How does it work? Does it hurt? Is it really good for the skin? Will it be effective for  guy like me? I laughed and explained to you all about it. I recommended a salon as well. You were really pumped up and told me that you were willing to try it. I warned you that your face will be red and puffy for a day or two but you didn't mind because you wanted to experience it yourself. Besides, some guys do have facials. Right? That weekend we went to that salon to have your facial. A warm wet towel was placed on your face, to open your pores and to make you comfortable. Then the procedure began. I was holding your hand because you felt some stinging sensations as all the whiteheads, blackheads and acne were being removed by the skin specialist. A number of products were being put on your face before and after that sore process. I remember some of them as cream, a peel-off mask and honey. It was great. Though you felt so sore and looked as red  as a tomato initially, after a few days, you were practically flaunting your perfect clear skin. I swear it made you even more mestizo. You enjoyed it and I was glad. Now we had more activities we could share with one another. I'm so thankful for your open mind. 

An Ordinary Day

44. Not all days are filled with fun and the excitement of a whirlwind romance. There are days which are made up of simple, ordinary experiences, some dull and habitual, that are indeed a welcome break from all the heart-thumping, adrenaline- stimulating, drama-filled events that fill our lives with color and interest. God forbid that we have too much emotional trauma that we exhibit signs of early death in our youth. During our college days, there were frankly so many ordinary days that they were too many to count. I'd wake up every morning, excited for the day ahead, filled with regular classes and you. Waking up became so much easier now that I had something to look forward to. I'd take a shower, eat and get dressed and commute to school. Cheerfully, I'd walk the hallowed halls of our university and greet friends good morning. The moment I entered my classroom, I'd automatically search for you. It was either I'd get excited if you were there or disappointed if you hadn't arrived yet. You were habitually late because you lived so far away.  I'd catch up with my other friends awhile or reviewed my notes. Classes would start on a high note. Lecture, discussion and some time in the laboratory. Talented and dedicated educators were much appreciated for making classes interesting. Boring teachers, however, who lacked creativity and enthusiasm were so monotonous that some of our classmates dozed off or pretended to listen. There would be some tests and we'd do well on them as expected from the star section. Then we had much coveted break hours. Some lasted for thirty minutes while some lasted for two hours. These were spent eating, reading, joking around, making last-minute homework or projects, sleeping some more or wishing that the next teacher was absent so we could have a free day. Our classmates lived for those hours because it seemed like we were like one big family. I personally relished simply the time I spent with you, they were a comfort to say the least. There were no quarrels, no arguments and definitely no barriers. After a day like this one, filled with much learning and bonding, we'd usually eat, play computer or you'd simply take me home. There would be a goodbye kiss. At night we'd text each other while we went on with our separate lives with our families. I'd know a little more about you each day. Before I'd close my eyes, I would give a prayer of thanks. Each ordinary day was like a pulse with a steady rhythm. It's important for me to share this because though at times, I am undeniably the kind of person who is drawn to drama, I want you to know that the happiness I feel on ordinary days is just as important to me as those on extraordinarily exciting,  emotionally- driven, milestone days. And I love you just the same. I imagine in the future, if ever we do build our lives together as partners, there will be many of those ordinary days. I do believe that when we fill those ordinary days with love, kindness and laughter, that in the end we'd have a strong foundation and a much stronger future together. It all just adds up. That's the beauty of ordinary days.

Scent of You

 43. People can't help but turn their heads toward a person with a very alluring perfume.  This topic calls to mind one of my beloved teachers in high school. Though it was a well known fact that he was gay, girls went gaga when he passed in the hallway; their noses, including mine, literally followed the trail of scent he was leaving behind. I know that the sense of smell is very powerful, it can evoke so many memories including those that we have long forgotten. I guess, that was what I was thinking when I asked you for a little bit of your perfume- Coolwater on my handkerchief to be stored inside my closet in a plastic bag. I wanted to remember you and your delectable smell that exuded a lot of masculine confidence and sex appeal.  It was a little expensive so you only wore it on dates and other special occasions. I can't count the times wherein I felt my knees go weak and shaky when you were beside me and purposefully shook your shirt and let your perfume as well as your unique bodily scent engulf me, knowing full well how I would react. That was probably the main trigger for my bordering-on-the-obsessive-hanky-saving instinct. Nevertheless, another one of your sneaky methods worked and you're in my thoughts every single time I smell that scent. Even worn by other men, I would immediately look for you like a blood hound even up to now. 

Relaxing Day

 42. Studying is stressful that was why we decided to have a little break over the weekend. We decided to do something a little different than the usual lunch-movie date. You gave the reins of the plan to me, and boy did you regret it. Being the girl that I am I organized girlish activities that we could do at my house. Among our itineraries included bellydancing, facials, massage and little canape-making. I was glad you just went along with it and didn't get so upset. I was amazed how you exercised with me using my bellydancing videos and had such a blast, sort of. It takes a very secure man to make all those hip rotations and hip lifts! After a quick shower, I made a home-made facial using oatmeal, egg whites and honey and we watched a movie while the mixture dried off on our faces. Afterward, we cleansed our faces and I let you try on some of the products that I use- toner and cream. It was no wonder, you told me, that my skin looked so good, my regimen was very thorough. Thank goodness we were the only ones in the house. You'd never have agreed if other people were around!We then fed each other canapes made of liver spread, mayonnaise, parsley and biscuits and some iced tea. I promised to give you a massage, and I used a special muscle cream that had a lot of menthol as I worked on your back. After an hour, you had fallen asleep, giving me the chance to clean up and just enjoy the sight of the contented look on your well-defined features. It was a great relaxing date at home. Thank you for spending time with me.

The Weak Spot

41. I think everyone has a special spot on their bodies. I have a sensitive area on my neck, that when touched, sends a delicious chill up and down my spine and goosebumps to appear on my arms. When we were teasing one another when we were just friends, I liked to tickle you immensely. You were almost immune to all my attempts at tickling you all except for one spot that makes you have uncontrollable fits of laughter. The back of your neck. Whereas I am ticklish almost everywhere so obviously I usually lose at this ,kind of battle. We knew each others weak spots and I found so much pleasure in teasing you there that it was most certainly outright flirting between singles. It didn't help that when you looked at me, you kept holding my gaze for several thoughtful seconds which in turn caused me to flush uncontrollably. When we were already a couple, I used your weak spot to literally make you weak from desire. I'd kiss you there or I'd blow on that spot and you'd end up shivering and beg me to stop. I still liked teasing you and your self- control. And it was downright fun and a bit dangerous for a woman to be teasing a man in that manner. And it's the same the other way around, isn't it? Yet you do it to me too and then go away, laughing after adding wood to the burning fire that we both are trying to control. Really, it's a dangerous game we're playing when we both know each others' physical weak spot. It's becomes even more dangerous as our relationship becomes longer and deeper. I wonder when we'll finally truly lose control. I do hope it happens on our wedding night.

Cheering You On

40. You love sports and were actively involved in numerous events during high school. You used to be a center at your highschool basketball team, the captain of the volleyball team and played a number of other sports- swimming, table tennis, track and field, you name it. I had absolutely no idea how you balanced those extra curricular activities along with your academics since you were also in the honor roll. It was impressive and I was thoroughly impressed. In all honesty, I would have loved to be cheering you on in one of your events however, the moment you stepped foot into college you decided to take a break from all the extra activities you've been doing. No matter how proud I was of your past achievements-- I wouldn't get to play your little cheerleader. It was a shame really because I never got to see you in your element and your glory days. After a year of not doing anything, you decided to participate in our college sportsfest. In three events: shot put, javelin throwing and tug-of- war. I shouted and cheered my heart out for you by the sidelines because I knew you'd need the support. No, there were no pom-poms involved though I seriously considered making you a placard. You told me it didn't matter and that you only needed my presence to feel so energized in the game. Your team won first place for the tug-of - war and you won a respectable 3rd place for the other games. Pretty good, considering how long you haven't played. I was proud of you and I let the world know it. It didn't matter if I didn't win, you said to me once, I've already won you. I laughed, was I a trophy? No, I'm just your little chearleader.  

A Day at the Beach

39. It was such a beautiful sunny Saturday that my family decided to go to the beach. It was down south of the island and the resort's name was Soleo. We arrived there around lunchtime and immediately ate lunch which composed of rice, porkchops and a great number of delicious seafood- oysters, grilled fish and scallops. The spread was amazing and we ate to our heart's content. After a desert of ice cream, most of my family took a dip in the sea. And later, my sister and I collected seashells and played in the sand while others took a nap or continued to swim. All that while, your family was also preparing to go to that same beach later in the day. When you texted me this I was so excited. Was it fate that our two families were going to meet face to face? I was musing this as  I was fiddling with the sand. However, I felt disappointed when my father called out that we were leaving in an hour. Not much time for you to get here, unfortunately. Then I had a fantastic idea! Why not leave you a romantic note on the beach? Something that told you I had been here. I found myself a stick and wrote in the sand-- I love you forever. They were big and deep letters so they wouldn't wash out when the tide went up later on. We left the beach, happy though tired, with my father driving the car. You texted me your location on the highway and that you were riding on a blue jeepney and I told you about our car and where it was. I opened the side window and around ten seconds I spotted your car coming from the other side of the road and became so excited. That was the moment you poked your head out of your vehicle and extended your hand towards mine. I heard you call out my name and I laughed in delight. My family were probably wondering what I was up to as I too poked my head out of the car window and extended my hand and shouted your name.  Though our hands didn't touch, the moment I saw your face I felt so much joy, my heart was beating right out of my chest. Then our two cars passed one another. My parents curiously asked me what was that all about and I explained excitedly. They may have been thinking that I was exhibiting signs of loco de amor but I didn't care. It was quite a day.  Later on, you told me your found my message and told me that you appreciated the gesture and that you loved me too. Now I was certain that when you enjoyed the rest of the day with your family, you'll have me on your mind as well. I swear some of our moments are so good they should be on a telenovela.

When Inspiration Strikes

38. I have many hobbies and among them is drawing. I draw only on occasion or when sudden inspiration strikes. In this case, the inspiration was you. You fell asleep at one of our long boring lectures and though I knew that I should have woken you however since I knew you were so tired and looked so peaceful, I left you alone. Our teacher didn't even notice you anyhow. It's true what they say, I thought, as I watched you, people did look very childlike when in the throes of sleep. I took out my pencil and began drawing you on my notebook. Your face was to me, and it was nested comfortably in the crook of your arm. I wanted to remember each and every line, every shadow, every strand of hair that moment. This was only the first. As the days wore on, I drew you in several poses, some of them without you knowing. One was how your back looked when you were sitting in front of me and another was when you were staring directly at me. My notebook was filled with you, just like my heart. I was just thankful that I could multitask. Juggling you, homework and classes, I definitely had my hands full especially since I hated failing in anything. Left brain, right brain and heart is working to its' fullest capacity. It also helps that some research actually encourages doodling in classes to help with memory retention. I guess that the image of you sleeping in class is now forever encased in the deepest recesses of my memories. I believe that inspiration definitely preserves these precious memories, what else would I be doing writing this blog every single day? 

Catch Your Smile

37. I remember after a few months of being together, that very first Christmas party we attended together as a couple. It was with our classmates at a Chinese restaurant and after eating and having a few games we had a secret-santa- type of gift-giving. A friend gifted you a big bottle of alcohol and you all laughed about it. There was only one thing on my mind though. You. Your smile in particular. As you already know, unlike me who usually has easy smiles even for mere strangers, it takes more effort for you to make the corners of your lips turn up even in an ironic way. I wanted to take a picture of your happy smiling face as a remembrance for Christmas break but somehow, somewhere within that party, your mood turned sour and I think it was because of that green-headed monster again. I did everything I could to change that mood, paying you more attention so much that people called us "so sweet that ants were all over us". To top it all off, I gave you my surprise present which was a black t-shirt with a cool dragon in front that made you so very happy. My effort definitely paid off because suddenly there it was. The smile. Click! I caught it at last. Thank goodness. We also had our first picture taking as a couple here and I was absolutely ecstatic as I had those photos developed and placed them in an album. Every now and then, I like to take out that album and just reminisce about our moments together, including that day that I first triumphantly caught your smile with my trusty camera. 

Culinary Beginnings

36. One time, morning classes were cancelled because the teacher wasn't feeling well. We took the opportunity to spend more time together at my house. We watched some television, and I made some snacks for us. You found my tuna melt so delicious that you ate so much. I remember this because you practically got addicted to it and would ask for it every time you came to my house. I was so happy. I may not be so experienced at cooking but I pride myself on my sandwiches and my own version of the adobo. And you shower me with praises that make me blush. You once told me that my food was so delicious because it was prepared with lots of love and joy. Just watching you eating my food and enjoying yourself made me feel so warm inside. And that's when I became interested in learning how to cook. I may never be a professional chef in my lifetime, but I want to somehow be like my grandmother and your mother, who are experts at cooking exceptional dishes. Food that radiates love not only fills your heart but also your stomach! Besides, if I'm going to have a family one day, I'd want them to eat well and be properly nourished too.

The Intertwine

35. Do you remember that awkward moment in our coliseum when we were just friends? Actually not only that, there were actually many awkward moments that we've undergone before we were officially a couple. But I remember this one because it was more awkward than usual. There was a program and cheering event we were all required to attend. You found us a spot in the bleachers and while you were leading me up, our arms got intertwined. I don't know how that happened, I don't think you did it intentionally. I don't even remember placing my arms in that compromising intimate position. Before we knew it we were sitting close to one another and when I realized how we actually looked, instead of getting my arms untangled with yours immediately, I just looked at your arms, amazed at how it fit so well with mine. How your hands were on top mine and almost exactly like my own except bigger and manlier. And how warm it felt. Such a right fit. Such electricity. I wondered if you noticed. Our eyes met, I blinked and pulled my arms away hastily and said 'oh, oops.' and apologized sheepishly. You grinned and said, 'careful there, people might get the wrong idea.' I caught the spark in your eye and blushed. I thought you were having a couple of ideas yourself and I admonished my stupidity. We tried to concentrate on the program but still there were times wherein I swear I caught you stealing sidelong glances at me. While the crowd was shouting and cheering all around,  all I could think of was you and our accidental interlock that I secretly liked. My skin was still burning from were our skin made contact.  I wondered if you felt it too.

Watching From Afar

34. Isn't it an unspoken rule upon breaking up, never to act intimately with one's ex ever again? More so especially when you have a new girlfriend. Forget it, it's impossible to remain friends with one's ex with all the pain and heartache that you can remember. Then again, that wasn't the case with you and her. Yes, her. That one. The one that always causes me to raise an eyebrow, cause my body to stiffen and my facial expressions to become plastic somehow with forced friendliness. I can almost feel that feline instinct like I'm about to pounce on her quivering underneath my skin. That was exactly how I felt when she approached me one day in front of the coliseum. Surprised at her presence, I said hello. She looked distressed and looked like she was about to cry. She asked me where you were and I pointed her over to you across the lobby. She immediately run over to you and hugged you in front of me, bursting into tears. I watched you both from across the room uncomfortably. I didn't like the way she was clutching you, nor the way you were holding her and whispering soothing words to her. I actually felt some shock. Our eyes met, and I heard you say 'were just going to talk somewhere, I'll be back soon'. Great, I thought, she stole my boyfriend away right before my very eyes using her feminine wiles. She had no delicacy whatsoever. I really had no idea what came over me when I decided to follow you. I even brought one of my close friends along with my spying. Hiding behind a large tree, I watched you both intently as you were talking on a bench near the chapel. I felt the rage building up. My close friend, half-laughing at the whole situation, told me I was crazy and that we were both acting like a pair of stalkers. Embarrassed, I told her she could leave and she did and told me good luck as I continued to spy on you. No doubt I too had that possessive streak in me as well, and I didn't like my personal space, you, being trespassed by other women, especially by one of your exes. After that whole fiasco, and that other girl left, the first thing you asked me was 'Were you watching us while we were talking? I practically felt your stare burning at the back of my head.'  Sulking, I said yes and you proceeded to tell me that nothing happened and that she only wanted some advice since she recently broke up with her boyfriend, which incidentally was your best friend as well. I didn't understand why she had to come to you. Why of all people she could have sought help from, why you? You told me, in spite of your past relationship together, you were still good friends. Is that even possible?! And you even broke up horribly. However, I did feel better after you had explained yourself and laughed the whole thing off especially the spying part of it. In fact, you couldn't stop laughing your head off at me, you enjoyed it immensely to my dismay. I realized that this must be how you must have felt when I talk to my male friends and understood you a little better. I think I just got a dose of my own medicine.

Slow Dance

33. A very close friend of mine had her debut. She was an only child and since she was quite well-off, her family had it held at a hotel. Her debut was gorgeous, complete with an ice queen  theme, her cake was an ice castle and there was even a gigantic backdrop of icy mountain ranges, and a smoke machine. I was one of the 18 candles as well as part of the cotillion which we practiced two weeks for. It was the first time I had participated in a cotillion which was a group waltz. It turned out that we were lacking one male dancer and my friend suggested I invite you to her debut and be part of the cotillion. You thankfully agreed. The dance instructor, after observing us a bit, separated us and made us partner with other people, to my absolute disappointment. You promised to dance with me at the debut to make up for it. It was interesting to be partnered with my friend's cousin, who, though good-looking, reminded me of a bouncer at a bar. He was a decent dancer who never stepped on my toes and had a very strong masculine perfume that kept tickling my nose. I kept checking up on you though, since you were partnered with my friend's tall, lean and tanned cousin. You were doing just fine. I regretted not having been partnered with you and felt a teeny twinge of jealousy. Gowns were made for the women, tuxes were fitted by the men(you looked really dashing in a tux) and finishing touches were added to the venue. At the debut, I asked you to dance with me but although you promised you would, you refused me saying you were a horrible dancer and that it would be embarrassing with all the people around to see. No matter how I pulled you, you wouldn't budge from your seat. I sighed. If you wouldn't dance with me, then I would have to be satisfied with an imaginary partner, I thought. It was at that moment the band started to play Madonna's 'crazy for you' song. How ironic, I thought, as I went to the middle of the dance floor and put my hands out in the air, around my absentee boyfriend's neck. My close circle of friends had a great laugh as I did this, especially since I was the only one on the dance floor. They prodded you insistently to save me from making an utter fool of myself in public. In reluctance, you came after me. A small smile played on my lips as you slipped into my arms so naturally and we slow danced. You're crazy, you whispered, and told me you loved me. I know, I replied, melting in your arms. Touch me once and you'll know it's true. I've never wanted anyone like this. It's all brand new. You'll feel it in my kiss. I'm crazy for you. We held each other close and danced until the end of the song, oblivious to the rest of the world. It was our perfect, romantic, memorable first dance. It couldn't be more perfect. And it wouldn't be the last. 

Breaking the Rules

32. Coming from an all-girls catholic high school, you could say that I've lived with rules every day of my life. I was made into this good, intelligent, conservative, sweet girl that could do no wrong. Well, that is, until I met you. You, who I have only known for one week, caused me to go to the discipline officer's office, forever marring my perfect record. Imagine that. One week of being in college. What was the offense? You wanted us to get out of the school faster, so instead of using the normal gate, you, tugging me along, went out the exit gate for cars, which was closer. We were already far off when the guard caught up to us and confiscated our IDs and told us simply to go to the d.o.'s office. Honestly, the blood drained off of my face because I had never incurred even a minor offense in my life. In contrast, you were so calm, cool and collected, it was annoying. The d.o. angrily lectured us and told us to write an apology letter and let us off with a warning. He gave us back our IDs thankfully. I did not like displeasing authority figures, much less breaking any sort of rule, so with my eyes watering from embarrassment after many apologies, we went to class. I told you it was all your fault. And you told me it was and you said sorry to me though you weren't aware of that rule either and it was also my fault for following you willingly. To you it may not have been such a big deal, but to me it was. The perfectionist in me simply would not allow it. I had no idea that the romantic in me had other plans and that in a couple of weeks from that moment, I would be breaking one of the biggest rules of all-- by falling for you. You are a bad influence.

Just Smile

31. Let me just take you on another trip down memory lane. To those special days wherein we always bonded behind the chemistry laboratories, a relatively secluded area that was adjacent to our school's secondary parking lot. In between classes, we would go there and bond and have one of those deep long conversations about anything and everything about life, love and family. You would sometimes put your head on my lap and doze off and sometimes we would sneak kisses in between when no one was looking. What I remember most about those warm sunny days was when the security guard chased us off. We weren't doing anything during that time actually, just talking, but perhaps the guard misunderstood. And yet, it was so hilarious we couldn't stop laughing after we ran off. We never stayed there again. That was the main reason why, on our two- hour breaks, we started to go home to my house to watch television instead. I love spending time with you. I guess we have that guard to thank for giving us more cuddling time at home. Now every time we pass by there, you can't help but smile and give me a little nudge and then we'd both burst out laughing. Moments.

Seeing Red

30. One day, I came to class early and sat by my usual chair in the middle of the classroom. The seat beside me was empty. A dear friend of mine sat on it and sought my attention. We talked and laughed about random things. And the class started. Concerned of your tardiness, I kept glancing at the door. Our eyes met just for a split second and I saw yours darken in anger. You turned and walked away. I was confused at your reaction. After class, I found you and demanded an explanation to your outrageous behavior. 'How could you let him sit beside you?' These were your words. 'That was my seat and you let him sit on it. Were you not thinking of me? How could you forget me like that? Is he more important to you than I am? Is his friendship more important than what we have together?' You demanded an answer and I honestly didn't know what to say. These words of yours stabbed me like a knife and left me speechless. When I found my voice, it was small, because back then, you frightened me when you got angry. 'I don't know', I said, 'please don't make me choose. I didn't forget you. You could have sat in the chair in front of me that was vacant. I didn't know that sitting beside me was such a big deal to you. And, I love you both differently and you're both important to me in your own way. It's unfair to let me pick between you both.' You considered this answer to be unacceptable and became even more angry. This scenario, as I recall it now, would happen over and over again to the point of sheer exhaustion on my part emotionally that I finally gave up. And changed my answer. 'you're the most important person in the world to me. I love you more than I could ever love him. I love him only as a friend. And that amounts to only a tiny part of my love for you as my boyfriend.' This pacified you to a certain point yet in my heart I knew that I still believed otherwise. I only said what you needed to hear from me. And in that aspect I guess that it means I lied, partially, for the first time to you. Out of fear. And I am sorry that I wasn't strong enough to tell you the truth right then and there. You see, there is this unquenchable part of me that seeks your approval like a blind bird in flight yet there is also a part of me that is defiant, competitive and hates to be controlled. Just like you when you saw red every single time, this friend said a word to me, I saw red every time I knew I was being controlled like a pawn without a single regard for my emotions. I saw you, the love of my life, capturing me in this gilded golden cage, and it just wasn't right. I love you. But when you act like this, it just turns the deepest love I have for you, into the darkest hate. Be careful dearest, thread carefully on a woman's emotions.   

The Moment I Saw You Cry

29. Most men think that crying is a physical manifestation of weakness. Growing up with such a caveman mentality, the definition of strength either came from brute strength or power stemming from influence, money or both thus furthering true strength into the realm of ambiguity. But not all men believe this, thankfully. Some men are actually such softies on the inside, once the hard exterior is broken into. And you are one of them. This was evident the moment I saw you cry. Remember the movies "if only" and "the notebook"? Two hardcore dramas that I've convinced you to watch with me. It wasn't much of a surprise to us both that I've started crying at the middle till the end of these movies. But you surprised me by crying, nay, bawling with me at the end of 'if only' when one of the main characters died. A lover, giving his life for the other. You couldn't bear the thought of losing me in that manner. And I abhorred the thought of you dying and leaving me and our dreams together unmade, never to come true. We cried in each others arms. Such emotions those movies caused! They were just so damn sad and struck such emotional cords in us both. I must say though that I was very much honored about how you were so emotionally secure in our relationship that you found no shame in showing your true self to me. And don't ever think that it's a show of weakness. Those tears were a testament of your great, generous heart and your humanity. It formed a bond of trust between us and I believe it has made us both stronger. It is ironic though, you've placed yourself the most vulnerable to the one person who can hurt you the most. We both have. And it's a risk I am glad to take. And I do believe that that is a show of true strength, don't you?

Say A Little Prayer

28. They say prayer works miracles. I have yet to see one, but I deeply hope to experience a miracle for myself someday. Prayer does indeed, however, make me feel warm. As if someone big and strong was giving me a great bear hug. Squeezing my heart for a little while, then flooding within my soul a sensation of peace. For me, prayer doesn't have to be long, it doesn't have to be so confined to specific times or rules, although they must be appropriately done. Prayer is simply having a conversation with God, who is Lord of all yet at the same time a very dear friend who's ever present. When I graduated highschool I promised myself, at every start of a great change, I would go to a church or chapel to pray. First day of school. First day of work. First day that I became really serious about you and me. I have never stopped thanking God for giving me this life, all the good and bad in it would have its purpose. I would pray for you, simply because I thought you needed it more than I did. God gave you all your challenges, earlier than mine, and I saw that life made you hard yet mature in your ways.  I would pray for me to be kind, patient and more loving and gentle towards mistakes. I prayed for our families that they might pass through all the difficulties they were facing. I would pray for us because up until now, there are always fears-- fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of being alone, fear of making a mistake and that possibility that our relationship was a mistake. And I've learned that prayer makes you braver yet with a child-like trust that everything will work out in the end. So far, the prayer is still working and we're still together and strong. One thing I find challenging about prayer though, is neither the asking nor thanking part of it, it is the listening involved. Sometimes silence would be all there is. Sometimes I use my heart to decipher what God is telling me and swear that I would be hearing things. Sometimes signs or solutions would come later like bright sparks. The answers may not come right away, but they always do. That is an incredible thing. So amidst life's little ironies and cruelties, I continue to say this little prayer every now and then. A little lover's prayer as I would call it: God, please watch over the both of us. Keep us safe and close and together. Let me become someone good and continually deserving of his love and let him be the one for me. Let us love each other for the rest of our lives. Thank you for everything always and forever. Amen. 

Catch Me

27. People would observe and comment that I am the type of person so lucky to be born with natural grace, and though I hate to disappoint them I have to. I am a klutz. With all the skills I've gotten from my social graces class in high school, at times I trip all over nothing still. And hurt myself. I've slipped into holes, canals, fallen from stairs, tripped in hallways and fallen off my bed. Luckily, I got no more than just a few scrapes and bruises that healed quickly from most of them. The worst I've gotten was a pain on the base of my spine that wouldn't go away but just after a massage from a midwife disappeared completely. Once I was with you however, thank goodness, my accident rate decreased significantly. Now I had someone to catch me when I fell. Well, most of the time. When I'm beside you, I not only feel more secure but also significantly more safe. And thank goodness again for your quick reaction time. You'd repeatedly catch me when I fell and never seemed to get tired of it. You'd laugh and tell me to be more careful. But you know, if I fell, knowing that you'd catch me, I wouldn't mind falling... I'd be falling in love with you all over again each time.   

My First Flowers

26. The first time someone ever gave me something for valentines day was you. And though I tried to get into the 'no, there is nothing more I could need but your love' mindset. It was still quite heart-warming how when I went out of the class, you were purposefully late and you were there in the doorway and triumphantly presented me with three red long-stemmed roses. So romantic I could swoon! No boy had ever given me flowers before and I was giddy. Gifts used to be such a touchy issue  for me because I got it into my head due to my parents that I shouldn't receive any from boys because they would always expect something in return. I received an expensive perfume from a boy once in high school and my mother forced me to return it. Though at that time I was so  disappointed I rationalized that since students usually bought gifts using their allowance so essentially it was the parents' money that was being used to buy something for his/her girlfriend. However, the act of giving a little something on valentines day to your loved one is still such a treat and such a romantic gesture. Three roses to say I love you on our first valentines day together. And a dozen roses the next year. Ooh they made butterflies in my stomach every time. And I couldn't stop grinning from ear to ear especially when people would fawn over how lucky I was to receive it. One of the perks of a healthy relationship on valentine's day. However the flowers take little precedence over the giver's love because I know they will soon fade and die but your love, our love, will last an infinitely longer time. So I will now take the time to thank you for the roses. But more than that, thank you for loving me.

He Gave Me You

25. I had dreamed about Lance most of my high school life. I knew from my dreams that he would be my soul mate and I had to give up some of my other dreams to be with him. He was worth it. Never a dull moment. And he was embodied into a human form, you. He wasn't perfect but he was kind and had a lot of love to give though he was temperamental and possessive. Lance  and Stan are one and the same to me. Lance. Stan. Even your names sound the same. Now, don't get me wrong. I definitely can differentiate dreams from reality. And in this life, there is nothing that I want more than to be with you forever. And that forever is my new dream now. It was a pleasant surprise how little things in my dreams would become real. Like our dance. Like how I came down the stairs and you complemented me. Your warm hand. When you whisper I love you. The silver ring. Your rage. Your kiss. The second chance you gave me. Those things from my dreams became real, did you know that? Not exactly, but almost. Strange as they are, they were little premonitions of things that would happen and they did. If I told you right now I dreamed of our wedding day, and our future family, would you be happy? Because I most definitely am. You told me once that you've dreamed about me too when you were in high school. But just once. There was a girl you were talking to in the darkness. Then the bright lamppost lit up behind her and you could see her silhouette, and you could tell she was smiling. When it happened in real life you were so shocked. Deja vu. So that was you, you said repeatedly, it was you, how can that be possible from a dream?! But can't you see my love? It's simply in God's plan that we would meet and go through all the things we did. Somehow, he heard my prayer and gave me you. For all the things I lack and all the things I need to learn in this life, He sent me you. And that's the truth of it. And though I know at times I am so damn guilty of questioning it again and again, it would always come back to that. He gave me you to show me that He loves me and cares, to test me, to uplift me, to teach me to love, to make myself a better human being, to show me that there is a God in this world. And that I'm never ever truly alone in this world. That we both will never ever be truly alone. And I know in my heart that that is the only truth He wants us to find out. 

"To love another person is to see the face of God."-- quote from Les Miserables

The Broken Bracelet

24. Remember that beautiful crystal bracelet you gave me on my birthday 5 years ago? Your precious first gift to me? Now that was indeed a memorable event five years ago. Yes, that bracelet was the one I cherished and wore almost everyday to the point the lock broke and all the beautiful beads, to my absolute horror, scattered all over the dirty comfort room floor as I was brushing my hair in front of the mirror. When it happened, I felt cold panic sweep over my body as if someone splashed icy water all over me. What were you going to say? You were waiting for me outside the door, and I shuddered at the thought of telling you. I gathered what beads I could find and then, teary- eyed, went out and told you what happened and how sorry I was for being so careless, so thoughtless. I shouldn't have worn them too much. I should have taken better care of them since they were so expensive and all. But, seeing the look on my face, that I was crying, instead of getting angry, you shook your head and said it was alright and said that you simply couldn't stand it when I cried for something such as that. You brushed me gently aside and went inside the girl's bathroom. Eyes wide in surprise, I watched you as you went on your hands and knees, and started gathering the beads that were left. You gathered the very last pieces you could find. Even from behind and around the stinky toilets. You found a small container and placed all the beads, strap and lock piece. You told me that you'd fix it and told me not to worry so much. About a month later they were returned to me good as new, though a few beads were missing. The lock was replaced and the beads were threaded using nylon. Whole again though not perfect. I was so very very glad. And such is my heart, every time you come around and fix it. 

Gaming Warfare

23. For any conflict that we've run into there were only four outcomes. One, I win and you apologize and do whatever the hell it is that I want or agree to some of the things I say. Two, you win and win me over with whatever it is you want by brainwashing me with your charm, wit and sneaky way of twisting the things I say until even I think they're wrong and you're the only one who's right. Three, we ignore one another until one concedes defeat. And lastly, four, we compromise and we both win to some extent. Well, number four is exactly what happened with your gaming problems. I finally had enough of you making me wait while you went off galavanting in your magical world of dot.a and such. Enough of falling asleep at your back or waiting alone outside while your played. Two can play at your game. And I thought, I was pretty good at some of the characters and our male friends actually enjoyed my company. I explored my love of games, and was hooked at two. A game called audition, wherein you typed the correct arrows to make your character dance and perfect world, a game involving creating your own magical avatar and going on adventures. It was actually the one game were we were hooked for so long because our relationship actually continued within the game. As I began to spend time with you on the internet, it became apparent to me that I rarely got angry at you playing games now that I understood and was involved in them. Maybe it was because I released my inner child or maybe because I found that there was simply nothing to be jealous about. The notion that computer games could replace me in your life was just ridiculous. Or maybe my desire for more attention from you was fulfilled somewhat. Either way, I was now more secure now with your love more than ever and my waiting time grew significantly less.

My Chemistry Test

22. I am not so good at chemistry and in my whole life there was only one test I've experienced a mind-blank and it was on this particular subject. I am a straight-A student, and I push myself into making reviewers and studying during my free time to keep my grades high up. However, the combination of math and science, coupled with a boring, monotonous teacher, really prevented me from understanding the topic. If I can remember correctly it was about attaching molecules or was it atoms? Anyhow, I went blank on a test. And you, since science and math is your forte, were the first to finish the test. In triumph you looked over to me and became concerned, as I had not written anything on my paper. I was panicking in my seat, and I looked at you, almost crying. This never happens to me. I am ashamed to say that perhaps because of your desire to help me, you gave me two of the answers as you passed by my seat. I was shameless to take it. I was horrified at myself. I got a 2 out of 20. When this happened, we were just friends, not yet a couple. After class I went to a secluded area and cried, you comforted me and even offered to tutor me. You were kind and sweet. And you kept your word, you taught me, and for the life of me, I couldn't believe I had experienced that mind-blank when the topic was fairly understandable. Before I went home I kissed you on the cheek and gave my thanks. As you walked away, you didn't know I was still watching you. I saw you do a yes move, with your hands in the air, and I knew for certain that you were into me. Just because of that failed chemistry test.

First Date

21. Date. Such a foreign word to me in the beginning. Made me uncomfortable, uneasy, awkward as well as giddy. It was a Thursday that I unknowingly became your girlfriend, sort of. I don't really remember the full details but I think we went out a few days later, Saturday. It was a typical sort of date, lunch, movie and the playing at the arcade. These activities have become staples for us as the years went by. I remember how nervous I was, and how self- conscious since I didn't know how to act on a date, as I've never been on one. And going out with my girl friends are so different. It was so unfair. You had so much more experience with me with these things, and I think that knowledge gave you the leverage. I couldn't help it when you held my hand and my mind would just go blank with bliss, taking a trip to la-la land. I couldn't stop smiling as we talked and got to know each other better over lunch. In the darkness of the movie theater my heart would thump so hard, what was going to happen? Mind racing, as I knew that you'd definitely try to kiss me again. I was nervous that people might see. We cuddled for the first time in the darkness. We paid little attention to the movie, as we were more aware of each other. When we kissed it was like I died and gone to heaven. Our first kiss was definitely no fluke. My lips were burning from your kisses and it was like there was electricity on them. You felt the same way. After the date, you took me safely home and we would steal goodbye kisses in the darkness of the garage. I guess it was safe to say that our first date was an undeniable success. And would be an established pattern we would always love and enjoy.

Course Troubles

20. Honestly speaking, six years ago, we were both forced by our parents to go into Nursing, which was a popular college course during that time. I wanted to take psychology however my parents were unwilling to let me go down that road. Needless to say, I let them push me down the Nursing path because I wanted to please them though I was so unsure. Your situation was similar though more intense. You wanted to be an engineer, a clear-cut male-dominated profession. I realize that prior to meeting me, that was your biggest heartbreak, not being able to live your dream, and you even had a scholarship at that. Yet your parents pressured you to take nursing, no, pressured is too soft a word. Coerced is a better word. You simply didn't have a choice. With that negative start, it surely explained a lot why when I first met you, it seemed that you always had a dark cloud around your head. So in the end, we both did what our parents wanted. It was lucky that we are both adaptive people that we ended up loving our course in spite of the negative beginning. It was more than how interesting nursing is, and how pleasant it was to be with our classmates who were so invigorating. It was you. And it was me. It was us. You told me once that I was like a ray of sunshine to your life. And how you'd never survive nursing without me, with all the studying we did together. We'll I'd like to tell you that you were the spark I needed to shine my very best in nursing. And how I think that I depended on you, just as you depended on me. You were like my knight; and no one dared to mess with me with you around. I never experienced any sort of maltreatment or bullying. Unlike in high school. You unknowingly made me stand out, and you helped give me a voice and build my confidence. So thank you. My diploma, my awards, my success, belong to you, as much as they belong to me.

The Libra and the Capricorn

19. I was born under the ever- friendly, sociable, month of October, the Libra or the Scales. You, born in January fell under the capricious sign of the half-fish, half goat known as the Capricorn. We are two signs, obviously far different as the air and earth, and that brings that air of intensity and passion to the relationship. While this works well for the both of us, keeps us romantically alive and guessing, some say that our opposing signs spell disaster when there's too much friction. And I would have to agree, but luckily for us, we're both mature adults now, aren't we? We now know how to sort out our problems with communication and understanding, well, most of the time anyway.  You are initially reserved, while I am easy to talk to. And while I like to stay neutral or above the fray, you like to delve right in with your opinions and strong stands. I admire how strong-willed you are, I see it as your strength and I actually like it when you usually take the lead in our relationship. According to zodiac experts, you provide structure while I add the flourishes to our lives together. I know I'm indecisive but we have the same goals anyway... I just go about things a little differently than you. You are a born ambitious leader and businessman, I work best when I'm second-in-command because I like organizing and utilizing my creativity. You are a little bossy which bothers my diplomatic side a bit. You prefer to be more practical while I am naturally drawn to beauty and pleasure. When I have one of my dark, bloody moods, talking to others really lifts my spirit while you prefer to be alone, retreating into your dark, moonlit cave of a mind like a hermit. We both have to be patient with one another, because sometimes we really don't understand one another. Man and Woman. Male and Female. That's life. And yes dear, you are definitely one delicious yummy man, don't you think any less of yourself. You are perfect, though different than me. And I respect that. There is a thin line between the deepest love and the darkest hate. And I hope in our lives together, we continue on with love and respect for each other in spite of our differences. You. Complete. Me.  

Smolder and Wink

18. Among your many tactical approaches to melt my heart, there is none that can affect me as much as your signature smolder and signature wink. I personally have mastered the come- hither approach however, there's nothing greater that you can do that can unleash the butterflies than the old smolder and wink. Up until now, you make me so happy and giddy at times that I still sometimes feel like my old sweet sixteen self, the age that I met you. They say that Casanova had profound seduction skills... and it clearly appears to me that you have some of his skills, although less pronounced and only directed at me. And that is why perhaps your are so magnetic in the way you speak and interact with people. I admire that trait in you. Although at times you can be so manipulative, it is mostly an asset to you. And like a student, I started to learn from the teacher. I came into this relationship so innocent, so eager to learn and too optimistic and now I find myself, more confident, more, shall I say, comfortable with my sexuality and feminine wiles. Thanks to you, I have my own signature irresistible smolder and wink, coupled with a hair flip to ignite that instant attraction between us. Or at least gain your undivided attention for a few moments from your busy schedule.   

Auras

17. Auras, to my understanding, are the energies of people that surround them like halos. And though I am far from psychic, I can sometimes see the auras of people or things around me especially  during daytime. One time I was taken aback by a beautiful morning glory in our garden, it's white aura was so bright that it appeared almost glowing to me. It was simply so pure that it shone through. With people, it's more complicated. Sometimes, there would be two or three colors at a time, depending on their mood or health. I was always wondering why when I would watch you from afar, you would often sport a bluish- brownish aura, while I usually had a gold- red one. When we're together, it completely changes into something different, something bright. It's so interesting. I read somewhere that lovers shared auras. Is that why when others look at us, they comment how great we look together or how similar we look to each other? People would always say that. Then they would go on and remark at how beautiful our future children must look, which always leaves me uncomfortable. The many days we've spent together have allowed us, strangely, to be blended into this single entity with same auras, same ideals and same goals in life. Don't get me wrong, I love being with you and spinning dreams out of thin air about our highly possible future together as a married couple. And I love the sense of security it brings. However, I believe that it is important that we don't forget ourselves, how before we came into this relationship, we were free individuals with our own plans and hopes. I don't ever want you to sacrifice your personal dreams for me. I don't expect you to. And I don't want you to change either, be just as you are- the man that is so different from me, the man I love and adore, one who completes me and is completely unique, the man I am continuing to fall in love with... whatever your aura is. 

Five Hours

16. In previous blog entries, I have mentioned some of our problems with each other. Issues, such as jealousy, that causes much friction in our relationship. People, even those closest to us, sometimes don't even notice that we are having problems. We don't want them to and they wouldn't truly understand anyway. I'm the kind of girl, always have been, that kind of girl who cries a lot because of her problems and runs to others for comfort. I wanted to run to you, you know, but how can I when sometimes you are the root cause of my problem? So I sought companionship and advice from my friends. To me, there was nothing wrong with it. For you, it was dead wrong if those friends were guys. You were so paranoid that other men were taking me away from you, your source of happiness and emotional outlet, your girl. You just didn't understand how at times I needed  man's point of view to sort things out. I love you. I hate you. I must be stupid for falling for the person I hate. There was a point that I couldn't take it any more, and you were being so unreasonable. So around 1 AM, I broke up with you over the phone. We were hardly together a year when that happened, and I was so uncontrollably emotional at that time. Perhaps you didn't mean to be so mean and uncompromising. And perhaps I didn't mean to be so impulsive. Tears flowing, that night I slept a listless, dreamless, fatigued sleep. It was the worst feeling ever. When I awoke I was staring at your face. My first reaction was shock. How and when did you get here in my room? You can't see me like this, my eyes so puffy and the rest of my face equally messed up. You held me ever so gently, and told me that you were sorry and that you couldn't let me go. And that you loved me. And that I was so important, so precious to you. Don't... leave me. Those words. They broke my heart. I took you back in a heartbeat because I felt the same way. And I hugged you as tightly as I could,  the tears flowed all over again, only this time with joy. Then we joined my family for breakfast. It's funny being on an emotional rollercoaster with you. You can break me and fix me. How in just five hours, you made my crumbling world something more beautiful once again.