Seeing Red

30. One day, I came to class early and sat by my usual chair in the middle of the classroom. The seat beside me was empty. A dear friend of mine sat on it and sought my attention. We talked and laughed about random things. And the class started. Concerned of your tardiness, I kept glancing at the door. Our eyes met just for a split second and I saw yours darken in anger. You turned and walked away. I was confused at your reaction. After class, I found you and demanded an explanation to your outrageous behavior. 'How could you let him sit beside you?' These were your words. 'That was my seat and you let him sit on it. Were you not thinking of me? How could you forget me like that? Is he more important to you than I am? Is his friendship more important than what we have together?' You demanded an answer and I honestly didn't know what to say. These words of yours stabbed me like a knife and left me speechless. When I found my voice, it was small, because back then, you frightened me when you got angry. 'I don't know', I said, 'please don't make me choose. I didn't forget you. You could have sat in the chair in front of me that was vacant. I didn't know that sitting beside me was such a big deal to you. And, I love you both differently and you're both important to me in your own way. It's unfair to let me pick between you both.' You considered this answer to be unacceptable and became even more angry. This scenario, as I recall it now, would happen over and over again to the point of sheer exhaustion on my part emotionally that I finally gave up. And changed my answer. 'you're the most important person in the world to me. I love you more than I could ever love him. I love him only as a friend. And that amounts to only a tiny part of my love for you as my boyfriend.' This pacified you to a certain point yet in my heart I knew that I still believed otherwise. I only said what you needed to hear from me. And in that aspect I guess that it means I lied, partially, for the first time to you. Out of fear. And I am sorry that I wasn't strong enough to tell you the truth right then and there. You see, there is this unquenchable part of me that seeks your approval like a blind bird in flight yet there is also a part of me that is defiant, competitive and hates to be controlled. Just like you when you saw red every single time, this friend said a word to me, I saw red every time I knew I was being controlled like a pawn without a single regard for my emotions. I saw you, the love of my life, capturing me in this gilded golden cage, and it just wasn't right. I love you. But when you act like this, it just turns the deepest love I have for you, into the darkest hate. Be careful dearest, thread carefully on a woman's emotions.