The Fear

54. I have a lot of fears but since I know myself well, I know that they all come from this single fear that encompasses them all- the fear of being alone. Rarely, I have dreams that cause me to break in sweat in the middle of the night and awaken, finding myself in tears. I call them dreams of fears or simply put, nightmares. Losing loved ones is one of the worst dreams one can have. I once dreamed of an angel taking away my mother. I also dreamed how you stopped loving me and left me for another girl. But the most disturbing was how I dreamed of you dying and my heart broke completely. If it happened for real how would I survive? If I lost the very thing that makes my life worth living for; the gift that has made my life whole, would I be able to go on? When I posed this question to you, you said that I though would no doubt shed so many tears for you; I would be strong enough to move on, might even love another man, get married and have kids. I was that kind of person. My face fell, I felt ill. I told you that I did not think I would find anyone who could be you and make me as happy as you again. No could ever replace you. You took my hand and told me that if ever I died and you were left to live, you would be devastated and would probably go insane. This prompted me to laugh ruefully. But I'm sure you would love again too, I said. Maybe, you replied, but that would take a very long time and by the time I've recovered I've lost my looks that no woman would even look at me. You laughed it off as a joke. No, you're silly, I retorted, because there's so much more to you than just physically and if another woman would take time for a second glance, no doubt she would love you as much as I do, maybe more. But she's not you, you said. No, I replied, she's not. Can we not talk about this anymore? It's so depressing, you pleaded, I don't even want to think about losing you. But you know what?  That fear of losing you, of being alone in the world, of not seeing you ever again just makes me realize that I truly do love you more than words can say and that we're both very much attached with each other whether we like it or not. I'm just so sorry for acting so morbid at that time.